


Lost Dreams

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-08-08 02:11:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 39,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7739455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yet another drama messes with the life of the young band Nightwish. While Tarja tries to deal with everything, Tuomas just wants her to understand that he loves her the way she is, no matter what.<br/>Read to find out what happened and what's going to happen after the truth comes out ...<br/>[T×T]</p><p>Genres:<br/>Drama/Romance/Friendship</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The young Finn clenched her stomach. "I'm - I'm not feeling well," she mumbled and left the studio, announcing that she'd drive home.  
"Don't you dare!" Tuomas shouted after her but Tarja ignored him with tears in her eyes. "That's the third time this week!"  
Yes, it was indeed. Tarja wiped her eyes before she jumped into the bus, the one which would not bring her home but right into the city.  
She couldn't even think of the guys' reactions when she would tell them. They would scream at her, be angry at her. They would throw her out of the band, they wouldn't care that she hadn't even finished her education, that she had quit her education because of them. They would call her things and talk about her behind her back, they would hate her.  
'Keep calm,' Tarja thought and stroke over her rebelling stomach. 'It's not even confined yet.'  
As if she was in trance, Tarja got out of the bus. The guys had never been quite supportive to be honest, they loved to scream at her for not reaching high notes. They loved to shout at her for coming too late, they loved to scold her because she never saw herself as a part of the writing process. But Tarja loved them. They were like her brothers and Tarja loved her brothers. She knew how to deal with them, so she knew how to deal with her bandmates. They were nothing but four more brothers. Quite annoying ones.  
Tarja opened the glass door of the building and walked inside, strolling over to the hygiene products.  
They'd forgive her early leave and they'd forgive her for what she had done.  
Especially Tuomas would forgive her, after he had screamed at her and seen how she had cried, he had taken her hand.  
"We'll try again," he had said and nodded at her. His eyes had been so gentle, Tarja was sure he'd forgive her.  
"Can I help you?" a blonde woman asked and Tarja smiled shyly.  
"Thank you, I'm just looking for ... something specific. It's okay, I'll find it."  
"Ask me if you need help," the clerk offered and walked behind her desk again.  
Tarja sighed quietly and grabbed a family pack of toothpaste and dental floss. She was so afraid to ask, she needed to wait until everyone was gone ... If anyone heard this ...  
Tarja looked at a bottle of facial tonic and decided to take it, before she noticed that she was now alone inside the pharmacy. She put the toothpaste back and walked to the clerk with shaking hands. She put the floss and tonic on the counter and while the nice woman scanned the products, Tarja looked around. Her tummy threw somersaults and she felt as if she would vomit any second.  
"Anything else or is that everything?" the clerk asked and Tarja looked at her. She swallowed.  
"And a pregnancy test, please," she said, her voice dropping.  
The clerk was very professional. She didn't move a single muscle in her face, but asked her how long her period was overdue.  
"About a week," Tarja said. "I usually don't pay so much attention but this time it was more serious because I was in Lapland two weeks ago and I should have had my period a week after. And now I'm noticing ... signs, so I wanted to get sure."  
Still the clerk didn't show signs of shock or something else in her face, maybe only light concern. She asked about her sex habits, like which protection she used.  
"Only a condom," Tarja lied. She had no idea. "Probably no good quality," she joked weakly and the clerk smiled before she sold her the test.  
"The best results will be shown if you use it in the morning right after waking up," she informed the young singer, who nodded.  
"Thanks," she said and stuffed the things into her bag quickly, as she heard the door open behind her. She paid and walked outside, another wave of nausea washing over her. She knew she didn't have to make a pregnancy test, she was sure she was pregnant.  
But from whom?  
Tarja couldn't recall a single night of Lapland. She was no drinker but this had been something else ... She and the guys had been in this cottage, with around ten other boys and girls in their age. They had partied every night and one night it had probably happened. But with whom?  
Tarja massaged her temples. Too bad it was only noon ... She hadn't even eaten something.  
Tarja clenched the bag against her chest while she sat down on a seat in the backside of the bus.  
'Alright, think. Who could it be? There was Lauri, who was really nice and funny. But he had a girlfriend, Salli. She never left him alone with me. There was Eerik with whom I talked a lot during the ski tours when we paused, but he wasn't my type. Oh, and the guys of course. Tuo, Sami, Emppu and Jukka. But none of them would sleep with me and I would sleep with none of them. They're like my brothers, ugh. But wait ... There was another guy ...' Tarja closed her eyes, trying to remember him. He had been quiet and shy, but one night he had asked Tarja to dance. Tarja swallowed as she remembered it, but she didn't remember his name. Or how he had looked. Or if they had gone to her or his room ...  
Tarja tried to suppress her tears but they suddenly made their ways down her cheeks.  
If that guy had gotten her pregnant, she wouldn't even know who the father of the baby was. He wouldn't know he had made a baby.  
Tarja decided to never drink alcohol again.  
With trembling hands and a shaking voice she entered her house. "Mum?"  
No answer came, so Tarja broke together immediately. She sunk against the doorframe, crying out everything she had to hold back in the bus. She knew she was pregnant, she felt it ... Knowing that she'd keep the baby for sure, she went to the computer to google what she was allowed to eat, and after writing a list, she went to the kitchen to cook herself something edible and tolerable. After half an hour her mother came home.  
"Tarja!" she said surprised.  
"I cooked," Tarja said softly and placed a bowl of vegetable lasagna in front of her mother. "Lots of vitamins."  
"Why are you here already?" Marjatta asked and kissed her daughter's forehead. "Have the guys been mean to you again?"  
"No, no. Not today." Tarja shook her head. "I've just... I didn't feel so good so I left earlier. I think I'm getting ill, I'll go to the doctor tomorrow."  
"Oh," Marjatta said and eyed the lasagna.  
"It's fine," Tarja said with a smile. "I didn't sneeze into them."  
While eating, Marjatta told Tarja about her day at work. The girl didn't pay as much attention as usual, her thoughts had faded again. How had that man looked? What had he been called? Tarja had only remembered a gentle look upon herself, but she had been too shy to reply it. She had avoided his eyes mostly, which she regretted now.  
Tarja tried to remember other details, had he said something to her? Had he kissed her? Had he led her directly into another room?  
Tarja wished to remember if it had hurt.  
"Tarja?"  
"Hmm?"  
"You look pale, dear ..."  
"I - I think I'll go to my room," Tarja whispered. "I'm not hungry anymore."  
Like a zombie she walked upstairs, her thoughts only with the little thing inside her body. If it was real, she was only two weeks along, if even! Or maybe her body was betraying her? Tarja had heard of those imagined pregnancies, there were women who thought they were pregnant, so the body started producing the pregnancy hormone which got tested at pregnancy tests - so the test would be positive. The woman didn't get her period anymore and she started gaining weight.  
Even if there was no baby.  
But why would Tarja think she was pregnant, if she didn't even remember having sex? Her body had no reason to produce the pregnancy hormone.  
Maybe she was ill, just ill ...

Tarja hadn't left the room for the whole afternoon. She had buried herself into her pillows and was reading a book now, stroking her belly absently.  
Now it was morning and her whole family had gone out already, so she tiptoed to the bathroom, the pink pregnancy test clenched inside her fist.  
She was nervous. She was scared.  
And as she thought, the test turned out positive.  
"Fuck," Tarja whispered, tear after tear streaming down her cheeks. "What shall I do now? What?? I'm screwed ..."  
Nine months of her life would be gone soon. She'd look like an elephant. Everyone would talk about her. Now she could forget her education. She could forget touring with the guys ... Instead she would raise a baby alone, without male help.  
She stumbled back to her bad, fell on it and let the tears flow like a waterfall.  
When she was done, she left the house without calling anyone. She took the bus and drove to the city again, trying hard not to burst into tears. Only the doctor could help her now ...

"Turunen," she said softly. "Can I get a check up?"  
"Sure, honey, what's your problem?" the assistant asked.  
"I'm ... I'm pregnant," Tarja whispered.  
"One moment," the assistant said, a flush of sympathy washing over her face as she looked at the young woman. "I'll stuff you between two routine check ups."  
"Thank you," Tarja said and sat down.  
She only had to wait for ten minutes, then the doctor came out. "Turunen?"  
Tarja stood up and walked inside the room, feeling some stares in her neck. Oh how she hated this.

She shook the doctor's hand and sat down.  
"I'm actually surprised," said the old and nice Doctor Hivilaatanen. "Most women see her gynaecologist when they're pregnant."  
"I don't have a gynaecologist," Tarja replied with a red face and the doctor nodded, instantly knowing why.  
Because she didn't need one. Because she wasn't sexually active.  
Well ...  
The doctor took some blood from her and told her to call her as soon as the results were here.  
"Thank you," Tarja said. "But please make sure not to tell anyone else of my family ... I still haven't told anyone."  
The doctor promised her not to tell the results to anyone else than to her and after he shook her hand, Tarja left as quickly as she could.

At home she called Tuomas, she told him that she was ill. As he offered her to come over, she declined, telling him she might be infectious. He wished her a speedy recovery and Tarja thanked him, hanging up without giving him the chance to reply or ask something else.

Only a day later the doctor called. Her mother picked up and was quite confused that the doctor insisted on talking to Tarja and only to Tarja.  
"You're really pregnant," he revealed and Tarja closed her eyes.  
"Okay," she whispered.  
"But you have a huge lack of iron and vitamin D in your blood, anything else is alright. If you come over today you'll get a prescription for some vitamin supplements I recommend to you for a healthy pregnancy."  
"Thanks a lot doctor," Tarja whispered. "Thank you."  
"And you should see Dr. Laukkanen ... She's a terrific gynaecologist."  
Tarja smiled. "Thanks again. I will call her. Thank you for your help."  
"I wish you good luck. Don't forget your vitamins!"  
Tarja quickly hung up as her mother entered and stared at her fingernails absently.  
"Wat did he say?" Marjatta asked, but her daughter didn't answer.  
Dully she stared at her fingernails, thinking of what she could do. Sooner or later she had to tell her mother ... An abortion was no option, highly religious Marjatta and Teuvo wouldn't allow that! Oh, they would sue her if Tarja told them what she had done. She could abort the baby secretly ... Yes. That was a good idea. She would visit this Dr. Laukkanen and set a date for abortion.  
"Tarja?"  
"I have mononucleosis." Tarja looked at her mother. "Should be over in a few weeks."


	2. Chapter 2

Infectious mononucleosis (mono) is often called the kissing disease. The virus that causes mono is transmitted through saliva, so you can get it through kissing, but you can also be exposed through a cough or sneeze, or by sharing a glass or food utensils with someone who has mono. However, mononucleosis isn't as contagious as some infections, such as the common cold.

Signs and symptoms of mononucleosis may include:

• Fatigue  
• Sore throat, perhaps a strep throat that doesn't get better with antibiotic use  
• Fever  
• Swollen lymph nodes in your neck and armpits  
• Swollen tonsils  
• Headache  
• Skin rash  
• Soft, swollen spleen

The virus has an incubation period of approximately four to six weeks, although in young children this period may be shorter. Signs and symptoms such as a fever and sore throat usually lessen within a couple of weeks, but fatigue, enlarged lymph nodes and a swollen spleen may last for a few weeks longer.  
You can get mono only once in your life.

 

"I thought the doctor prescribed antibiotics to you?" Marjatta asked as she opened the door of her fake ill daughter the next day.  
"He did - why?" the daughter asked, close to freaking out. Did her mother know something?  
"Well because mononucleosis is a virus, which can't be treated with antibiotics." Marjatta pressed her lips together. "May I see the box of the medicine?"  
"It's not an antibiotic," Tarja said and fake-coughed. "I just thought it was. It's just something for high temperature. I already took a tablet, now I feel better."  
"Aha," Marjatta said and squinted her eyes at her daughter. "So you won't let me have a look at it?"  
"I don't know where I left it," Tarja said weakly and Marjatta sighed. This girl ... But poor her if she really had mono. Marjatta opened her mouth to ask the next question, but she got interrupted by the doorbell.

Tuomas stood in front of the door, well, he rather stepped from one foot to the other. He was nervous. Very nervous. Tarja was ill and he had brought flowers. Lilies.  
Should he ring? His heart was beating. He hadn't been alone with her since ... That night. They hadn't even had the chance to talk in private.  
Tuomas swallowed.  
That night ...  
She had been so beautiful. So passionate. She had told him she was a virgin but he hadn't believed her after she had done ... what she had done. She had made love to him with the same passion as he had made love to her. She had whispered sultry things to him, she had moaned and cried out in passion. And now he got red every time he saw her.  
But damn, she was a good actress. She didn't even fringe a bit whenever she saw him.  
Tuomas cleared his throat. "Tarja. I know you're ill but listen, we really have to talk about ... this night." Tuomas groaned. It sounded so stupid in his ears, but better than, "Tarja, after our night I can't stop thinking about you and I think, no, I'm sure that I love you."  
This wasn't totally true though. Tuomas had always admired the younger girl, he had admired her since the day he had first met her. He had fallen in love with her even before she had joined his band, and he had always known how he felt for this beautiful girl who turned out to be the most wonderful, exciting and most amazing woman he would ever meet. In his eyes.  
She was perfect in his eyes.  
"Now or never," Tuomas mumbled to himself and rang on the doorbell.  
He felt like running away only a second after, but his feet wouldn't let him. A minute later Marjatta opened and Tuomas smiled at the mother of his Love. "Hi, Marjatta," he said and blushed as Marjatta's eyes wandered down to the lilies in his hand and her smile turned into a huge grin.  
"Oh hey, Tuomas."  
"Is - uh ... is Tarja here?"  
"She is but she's quite ill," Marjatta said. "Come in."  
Tuomas stepped inside the house he had spent so many days and nights already. "How is she?" he asked softly. "What does she have?"  
"The poor girl has mono," Marjatta sighed. "Means she won't be able to join rehearsals for at least a month."  
"Wait," Tuomas said. "Mono?"  
"Mononucleosis," Marjatta said and at the sight of Tuomas' confused face she added, "Kissing disease."  
Her eyes seemed to bore themselves right into Tuomas'. And as he blushed again, her frown turned into a triumphant grin once more.  
"Could you give her those flowers?" Tuomas mumbled while he avoided the elder woman's eyes. "I don't ... I don't want to disturb ..."  
Marjatta nodded and took the flowers from him. "To be honest I don't think you would disturb," she said gently. "I'm sure she'd be happy to have you around."  
"I should go," Tuomas said. "I - please wish her a speedy recovery."  
"I will," Marjatta sighed and Tuomas quickly left the house.  
He didn't know much about this kissing disease, but what he knew was that there were always two people who had it - the two who had kissed. If Tarja had it and he didn't - who else could she have kissed? Tuomas was confused. What happened to his sweet, lovely and innocent Tari?

"Tari?"  
Tarja groaned and opened her eyes. Since she was pregnant she was constantly tired, and even though it had only been ten minutes ago that her mother had answer the door, she had already fallen asleep again.  
"What?"  
Her eyes widened as Marjatta stepped inside, carrying a bouquet of light pink lilies.  
"From your secret admirer," Marjatta said. "With kind regards."  
"Tuomas was here, right?" Tarja asked and Marjatta nodded. Tuomas always brought lilies, those were the only flowers that grew in his garden.  
"He didn't want to disturb you, though. I said he wouldn't disturb but -"  
"Good," Tarja interrupted her mother quietly. "I don't want to see him."  
Marjatta didn't answer first, then she laid her hand on her daughters forehead.  
"How are you, baby?"  
And Tarja started crying.  
She mainly cried because her mother had called her 'baby' but she also cried because Tuomas had brought flowers and her pregnancy hormones were already taking over. Oh - and because she was pregnant. Of course.  
"Tarja!" Marjatta said surprised. "What's wrong??"  
"I - I -," Tarja sobbed, "don't know! It's just, oh, I'm just too weak. I wanna sleep."  
"Sorry," Marjatta mumbled and kissed her daughter's forehead. "Sleep. Don't cry, everything will turn out to be okay."  
"Sure," Tarja sobbed, and after her mother had left and she had calmed down, Tarja grabbed her phone and dialled the number she had found in the internet.  
"Hello, Turunen here. I'd like to make an appointment ... Something specific? Mh, yes. To be honest, yes. I'd ... I'd like to abort my baby."

"Tarja won't come for a month," Tuomas told the guys the day after. As he had thought, the reactions weren't that good.  
"Seriously?" Sami asked.  
"Is she insane or what?" Jukka chuckled.  
"Not insane, no," Tuomas said. "Honestly, that'd be better than what she has."  
"What does she have?"  
"Mh ... mononucleosis," Tuomas mumbled.  
"Wait, what??" Emppu shouted. "Kissing disease?"  
"Yeah," Tuomas muttered.  
"Why don't you have it?" Jukka asked.  
"I don't know okay??" Tuomas shouted. "She probably kissed someone else as well. And I really hope she only kissed him."  
"I think you should talk to her," Sami suddenly said. "This is not good for the band. We're in the middle of something here, and our bosses refuse to talk to each other."  
"I agree with Sami," Emppu chipped in. "Not with the boss-thing. You two are not our bosses ... But you should really talk."  
"I'm with the guys," Jukka agreed as well. "Every time Satu and I have problems, do you think we'd ever ignore them?"  
"But Tarja and I aren't together!" Tuomas shouted. "She'd ... she'd never want me ..."  
He stared at the floor and the guys exchanged a look.  
"Dude ... She jumped into bed with you once already," Jukka pointed out. "Why do you think she wouldn't want you?"  
"Because she ignores me. She keeps on ignoring me or refusing to see me ..."  
"Tuomas," Emppu said carefully. "She obviously needs to talk with you. Just break into her house and talk to her. And if she infects you with mono - congratulations!"  
Tuomas laughed. "So I shall just kiss her?"  
"You should either do that or sing Gethsemane to her," Sami nodded. "You know - your eyes they were my paradise ..."  
"Alright, I get it," Tuomas sighed and stood up. "I'll do it now."

"Tuomas was here again," Marjatta only said as the door went close and Tarja stepped inside. "I had to tell him that you were asleep."  
"Thanks," Tarja said softly and her mother rolled her eyes at her daughter.  
"Where have you been?"  
"I had another appointment," Tarja said. She was shaking. She had just made an appointment for abortion.  
"Aha," Marjatta answered. "So, what do you have?"  
Tarja looked her mother in confusion. "Mono?"  
"No, certainly you don't," Marjatta laughed icily. "Did you know that I had mono when I was sixteen? I almost died, Tarja. I lost fifteen kilos in one month and I had to get fed by infusions. You don't have mono."  
Tarja's lip was shivering and Marjatta pulled her close. "Do you know what you have?"  
Tarja nodded and within a second she had wrapped her arms around the elder woman. "I - I'm so sorry!" she sobbed into her mother's shirt. "I - I can't even remember how it happened ... I'm so stupid! I don't know what to do!!"  
"Shh," Marjatta whispered with tears in her eyes. "What's wrong? Tell me, sweetheart, what do you have?"  
"I ... I ..." Tarja opened her eyes and looked at her mother, eyes swollen and red. "I'm pregnant, mother ..."

I'm pregnant, mother ...  
She had known. Oh, she had so known it. The mood swings. The sudden importance to her to eat healthy.  
Marjatta looked down at her sweet, young daughter and her heart ached. She hadn't wanted this. She knew she had made a mistake.  
And she needed help so, so madly.  
"Oh, honey," Marjatta whispered and kissed her daughter's forehead. "We'll figure out what to do, okay?"  
Tarja nodded and bit her lip. "Actually ... I've already set a date for abortion," she whispered.  
"Oh no, cancel that!" Marjatta said shocked. "Now! Tarja, cancel it!"  
"I don't want this baby!" Tarja shouted. "I don't have time nor the nerves to raise a baby!"  
"Then give it away! But Tarja - abort?! I won't allow that!"  
Tarja jumped up and glared at her mother. "You don't get this! I - I don't know who the father is!"  
First Marjatta didn't answer. She didn't know who the father of this baby was ... What had happened to her sweet, innocent daughter?  
"That's no reason to abort it," she then said. "That baby has a right to live! I get that you don't want to keep it but Tarja! Could you really kill a baby? Inside your womb!?"  
"Why did I even tell you??" Tarja groaned. "Mother. Please promise me not to tell father -"  
"I won't, but you will. He's gonna find out anyway once your belly starts growing -"  
"No!" Tarja shouted. "I'm going to have an abortion next week. He won't find out. My band mates won't find out. And I will never have to worry about with whom I slept again. I made a mistake -"  
"And abortion is an even bigger mistake!" Marjatta shouted, but her daughter ignored her.  
"I made a mistake and I'm going to straighten this out."  
"By killing your baby??" Marjatta shouted. "Forget it. I don't allow this."  
"Mother -"  
"No!" Marjatta grabbed her daughter's wrists. "I'll help you ... Please let me help you. But please don't kill this baby ..."  
Tarja burst into tears. "I ... I can't, mum, I can't get this baby ... The looks, the talk ... My fans, mother!"  
Marjatta groaned. "Forget about your fans! Forget about the talk and the looks, you're Tarja Turunen! Singer of Nightwish! You can do everything, you're a star! You can even get a baby ..." Marjatta smiled as her daughter's face softened. "Believe me. You can even get a baby without a father."


	3. Chapter 3

Tarja cancelled the appointment, much to Marjatta's happiness. But to her dismay, her mother grew into a careful and annoying, overprotective mother hen. She paid attention to what her daughter was eating, drinking, how much she was sleeping, how often she was feeling nauseous in the morning and so on. Tarja completely lost it as she came down one evening and her mother asked her casually,  
"How's your stool?"  
Tarja's hormones were crazy, they constantly put her through a rollercoaster of feelings, one Friday she had to leave during the Turunen-movie night, crying madly.  
"What's up with her?" Toni had asked and Marjatta had only shrugged.  
She had visited her daughter later, comforting her.  
"Everything's going to be alright, you'll see," she whispered and stroke her daughter's hair out of her face. "We'll find a wonderful family for the baby and you can go on with your life. Nine months are nothing, it's not even a year of time you're about to lose."  
"But I could do so much in this year," Tarja sighed and Marjatta chuckled.  
"Like singing in a metal band? Please."  
The metal band.  
Tuomas.  
Tarja swallowed. Tuomas tried to call or visit her everyday and according to Marjatta he looked or sounded quite depressed every time he called or showed up.  
"What could he want?" Tarja mumbled and put the lilies aside he had brought again the day before. She had so many lilies in her room already, she was sure there would soon be no single lily in Tuomas' garden anymore.  
"I don't know," Marjatta said. "I think he only wants to see you and I personally think it'd be the best if he did."  
Tarja shook her head helplessly. "No! He'll see I'm not ill. He will ask me why I don't join rehearsals anymore -"  
"Then just tell them, for God's sake!" Marjatta moaned and Tarja shook her head.  
"I can't! Mother, I can't. They will ask me who the father is and then I have to tell them that I don't know ..."  
"And you have to tell your father!" Marjatta insisted, not impressed by Tarja's excuses.  
"Please go out of my room," Tarja whispered. "I want to be alone ... with my baby."  
Marjatta nodded and left her daughter's room, who shoved her shirt up, revealing a small, cute baby bump. She leaned back and stroke over the bump gently.  
"You completely turned my life upside down," she chuckled. "A little thing like you ... Oh, I wish I could feel what's the right thing to do ... I wish you could show me somehow, little one ..."

Luckily it was winter, so Tarja could go to church wrapped in a thick jacket, bonnet and scarf. She placed herself in the last row, folded her hands and prayed during the whole mass, prayed for herself, her baby, for guidance and acceptance.  
She felt much better until ...  
"T - Tarja?"  
It was only a whisper, but Tarja would recognise the voice out of everywhere.  
Oh, damn.  
She ignored Tuomas, but she knew that he sadly knew her jacket.  
"Tarja."  
He sat down next to her. "I thought you're ill."  
Tarja rolled her eyes at him and pointed at her throat, pretending not to be able to speak.  
"Do you really have kissing disease?" Tuomas asked and Tarja nodded.  
Did he really look crushed?  
"Wow, uhm - sorry."  
Tarja shrugged.  
"Can we meet?" Tuomas mumbled. "I ... I have to tell you something ..."  
But Tarja shook her head.  
"Please," Tuomas begged, but Tarja continued shaking her head. He would notice that she hadn't mono! She was able to talk, able to eat normally, able to - wait, what was he doing here?? Tuomas was an atheist, why was he here?  
'Because of you, he knows you love being at the church,' a little voice inside her head told her, but she ignored it.  
Wordlessly, of course, Tarja stood up and walked out of the church. And Tuomas followed her. Of course.  
"Tari, wait," Tuomas begged. He followed her persistently and Tarja let herself fall on a bench at the graveyard. She was completely out of breath thanks to pregnancy.  
"Why are you running away from me?" Tuomas asked. "What's wrong?"  
"I'm infectious," Tarja whispered.  
"And I don't care," Tuomas replied. "Please don't run away from me."  
His blue eyes were practically drowning in her green orbs.  
Tarja swallowed. The flowers, he had followed her, he didn't care that she was infectious ... What was up with him?  
His blue eyes were as soft as they had never been when he looked at her and his next sentence made Tarja's heart jump into her throat.  
"You're so beautiful ..."  
Tarja smiled, her cheeks blushing madly. He found her beautiful?  
"Despite the fact you're ill," he added and Tarja turned away from him. Jerk. Why did he destroy that romantic moment?  
But Tuomas wasn't done yet. "Do you want to go ice-skating? With me?" he asked with a stutter. "We two. When you're healthy again. Alone with me. You and I?"  
Tarja giggled as she noticed his red face, but she couldn't help but nod. Why was he so nervous? They were best friends!  
"Great!" He sounded relieved. "Call me once you have a voice again. We miss you in the band, your crazy girly-headbang and stuff."  
Tarja nodded. The times where she crazy girly-headbanged were over now, at least for a few months.  
In the next second Tuomas' lips had already landed on her forehead. He did that quite often, no big deal. What Tarja felt were her hormones which forced her to start crying, but what Tuomas felt was the warmth of her skin on his lips and the scent of her skin in his nostrils and his heart beating along the symphony he only heard when he was with her.  
Tarja stood up and turned around, suppressing her tears.  
"Wait, I'll drive you!"

Tarja cried into the scarf, praying that Tuomas didn't notice that she was crying.  
But he noticed.  
And he had no idea what to do.

Marjatta was quite surprised and hopeful as she saw Tarja leave Tuomas' car, but her hopes got crushed quickly as Tarja just left and Tuomas started the car again to drive off.  
As Tarja entered, her mother embraced her immediately. "Did you tell him?" she wanted to know, but Tarja shook her head.  
"I - I couldn't," she sobbed and took off her winter jacket. "This is so complicated, mother ..."   
"It's not, just tell him. What could he do? The worst he could do is kick you out of Nightwish ..."  
"Exactly," Tarja sobbed. "If he does that, I won't have a future ... I have nothing, mother!"  
"But he's your best friend, he'd never do that!" Marjatta protested. "Where did he find you today?"  
"At church," Tarja answered and Marjatta lifted a brow.  
"I thought he was -"  
"He is," Tarja quickly said. She avoided talks about Tuomas' atheism, she knew that Marjatta and especially Teuvo couldn't quite accept the fact that he was an atheist. "He probably knew I was going to be there."  
"He followed you? Oh my god!" Marjatta put her hand over her heart. "That's so cute!"  
"Yeah, and he asked me to go ice-skating with him," Tarja chuckled. "After I'm 'healthy' again. He was so nervous as he asked ... I guess I'll tell him soon. But not too soon."  
Marjatta rolled her eyes. Tuomas had it so bad for her daughter, but she was too stubborn to notice it.

Another week went by and Tarja noticed panicking that her belly was growing faster than she had thought. According to Dr Laukkanen she was only in her tenth week, but Tarja was quite a small and delicate person, so the growing of her belly was very noticeable.  
And one night she couldn't keep the secret anymore.  
It was Friday night and Marjatta had opened a bottle of red wine. Teuvo put some of it in everyone's but Toni's glass, but Tarja immediately shoved the glass away. "Thank you," she rejected the offer and looked at her mother.  
"Eh, Tarja can't drink alcohol, honey," Marjatta said. "Her voice."  
"I thought that was about smoking?" Teuvo asked and Tarja stifled a cough. "Yeah that - that too," she said and her hands immediately went down to cover her belly - she always did that lately, especially when she felt uncomfortable.  
And Teuvo noticed. "Tarja? Are you okay?"  
All eyes were on her now, and Marjatta's eyes were squinted at her.  
"I'm okay?" Tarja said, letting it more sound like a question.  
"Why don't you meet your band anymore?"  
Now Toni switched off the TV, staring at his sister as well.  
"How did you know?" Tarja whispered. No one had known, only her and her mother ...  
Tarja's eyes went to Marjatta, who shook her head.  
"I met Tuomas today," Teuvo informed the pale girl and now a wave of nausea washed over her. Oh God. "He asked me if you felt better ... I had no idea what he could mean. Anyway, you should call him. Now, why don't you -"  
"Tarja," Marjatta interrupted her husband. "Tell them."  
"Tell us what?" Timo asked confused.  
"Nothing." Tarja huffed and crossed her arms.  
"Tell us!" Toni said and jumped around the table. "Are you failing at college?"  
"I don't even go to a college," Tarja replied coldly.  
"Did they throw you out of your band?" Teuvo asked and Tarja shook her head.  
"No, it's nothing. Really!!"  
"Come on, tell us," Timo now chuckled. "Can't be that bad as long as you're not pregnant, right?"

Silence.  
Tarja hadn't answered her brother, but her look had said everything. And after about five minutes of saying nothing, Toni spoke up carefully.  
"That was a joke, I think."  
Tarja avoided her family's looks.  
"Tarja ..." Timo started. "Don't get angry, okay? Toni's right, it was a joke."  
"Boys," Teuvo spoke up. "Leave the room."  
"What?" Timo started, but a single look of his father made him grab his little brother and pull him out of the room.  
The door went close and Tarja bit her lip.  
"Tarja ..." Teuvo started quietly.  
"It's true," Tarja whispered and stroke her belly panicking. He'd throw her out, he'd slap her, he'd ...  
But he wasn't angry at all, he looked ... sad. "Daddy?"  
"Who's the father?" he asked, no emotion audible in his voice.  
Tarja had been afraid of this question. "A - a guy I met in Lappi," she whispered and Marjatta shook her head.  
She was ashamed as her daughter lied so bluntly, but she could also understand the reason.  
"Do you have a name? Or a telephone number?" Teuvo asked.  
"I - only know his first name," Tarja mumbled. "Eerik."  
Teuvo started pacing. "What are we going to do, Mari?" he asked his wife.  
"We are going to do nothing," Marjatta insisted. "Tarja is going to give the baby away."  
Teuvo sat down again. "Why did you do that, Tari?" he asked. He looked so disappointed ...  
"I don't know, it just happened," Tarja whispered, tears in her eyes. She had disappointed her Daddy ...  
"Was it ... was it your first time?" Teuvo asked and Tarja avoided his look. She remembered the day they had talked to her about this stuff ... Waiting until the wedding night was ridiculous, Teuvo had said, but Tarja should make sure that she shared her first time with a person she loved.  
"Yes," Tarja whispered and buried her face in her palms, starting to sob madly.  
Marjatta immediately hugged her, one hand on her daughter's belly. "It's a miracle," she mumbled. "You should see it as a beautiful thing. A chance! Maybe something unexpected is going to happen."  
"Like what?" Teuvo asked and Marjatta looked up to him.  
"I'll tell you later," she mumbled and turned back to her sobbing daughter. "Don't cry. See? I told you he wouldn't scream at you."  
"Why should I scream at her?" Teuvo asked. "I'm not happy, okay. But I can't change it." And with a sigh he added loudly, "You can come inside, eavesdroppers!"  
And Toni and Timo came inside, gathered around Tarja and hugged her carefully.  
And after receiving a strict gaze from his wife, Teuvo joined as well.  
"We're going to support you, I promise," he mumbled.


	4. Chapter 4

Four weeks. Four weeks had gone by so fast and Tarja knew that she couldn't go on pretending any longer. She had promised Tuomas she'd be back in four weeks because she had been sure she'd have an abortion, but she was as pregnant as always.  
Week 11, she wrote in her little book. I could cry all day long, really. And I don't even know why! Yesterday I saw a squirrel outside and started crying. Damn those hormones. My mother told me about how swollen her feet had been during all her pregnancies and how bad her heartburn was. Only thing I'm suffering from is the morning sickness, which is over after I've vomited the whole morning. I already gained so much weight, I think the ice is going to break through tomorrow. Yes, I'll go ice skating with Tuomas. Am I going to tell him?  
... I don't know. I think I'm not ready. He's so cute and everything but I doubt he'd support me. If my mood swings tell me to do so then I'll do it, if not - well. Oh great, I'm crying again. The hormone guided Tarja.  
Tarja closed the book as her mother came in. "Tari and co?" she asked gently and Tarja groaned.  
"Don't say that, you know I don't like that," she said grumpily and got up, holding her belly protectively.  
"How's the little one?" Marjatta asked gently and Tarja shrugged.  
"I can't tell you, guess it's okay. The mother's not really amused, though. Woops!"  
"What?" Marjatta shouted as Tarja suddenly held her head.  
"I just stood up too quick," Tarja informed her mother. "I'm dizzy."  
"Oh, I remember those times," Marjatta said and guided her daughter out of her room. "I constantly fainted. You need to drink some water."

Since her brothers knew, they were very careful with their sister. Very careful in every way, what they did and what they said. Two days ago she had screamed at Toni because of the most stupid reason one could think:  
Tarja had wanted chocolate. A chocolate bar of Fazer, preferably with nuts inside. Or caramel pieces. Or crispy cornflakes. But Toni had read about something called pregnancy diabetes and had bought a bar of dark chocolate for his sister.  
"Dark chocolate is healthy!" he had tried to defend himself, but Tarja had thrown the bar out of the window in rage, which she had deeply regretted after a few minutes already. She had hugged Toni and apologised, before she had started crying.  
Toni had forgiven his sister, knowing that it wasn't her fault.  
"Mood swings, right?" he had asked and Tarja had nodded.  
"Y-yes, exactly," she had sobbed and ruffled through her brother's dark hair. Then she had sent him to get back the chocolate bar, and ended up eating the whole bar in one single night in front of the television, watching a documentary about miscarriages (which she regretted afterwards).  
In the morning she got up, feeling as exhausted and tired as never before. Besides constant internal praying to god to make her baby forgive her for the daily cup of coffee she was currently sipping (one, not the usual six to seven cups of coffee that the most Finns drank), she mostly thought of Tuomas.  
What would he say to her once she had told him? Would he tell her to leave their band immediately or would he wait a few weeks or months even, talk with the guys, talk with Tero, talk with his parents about her? Talk to the press ...?  
No, Tuomas was everything, but he was no betrayer. He'd probably give her peace until she told the press herself.  
"Ohhh, setting sun," Tarja sung quietly.  
"Are you alright?" a sudden voice asked and Tarja shrieked.  
"Daddy!"  
Teuvo pointed at the cup of coffee. "Did you ask?"  
"Whom, mother?" Tarja gave back.  
"No," Teuvo chuckled. "Your little one."  
"She's alright with it," Tarja mumbled and Teuvo sat down next to his daughter.  
"She?"  
"I have a feeling," Tarja admitted and Teuvo nodded.  
"Your mother had a feeling every time," he told her, "and she was right every time."  
"Really?" Tarja smiled. "Oh wow, I better start thinking of a name ..."  
Teuvo watched his daughter rub the little, beneath her pullover invisible belly and he felt a wave of both sadness and proudness wash over him.  
"Come here," he whispered and embraced her. "I think I don't tell you enough how much I love you ..."  
"Love you too," Tarja mumbled. "And you don't tell me enough because you show me you love me everyday. Like with not kicking me out and ... even helping me with this pregnancy stuff."  
"Why wouldn't I?" Teuvo asked. "I went through this for three times with your mother, we're basically professionals in this."  
"Oh, Dad," Tarja chuckled. "I wish I had another man in my life who would help me like you do."  
Teuvo immediately thought of Tuomas and what his wife had told him a few nights ago ("This boy is head over heels in love with our daughter, Teuvo! She needs to tell him. I'm positive she will only get full support from his side. Please help me convincing her to tell him!").  
"Tarja," he spoke up carefully. "You have four guys in your life who aren't your brothers or your father, and who will be very supportive if you tell them."  
"Those guys are my brothers," Tarja insisted and her father furrowed a brow at her.  
"Even Tuomas?"  
"Yeah - why?" Tarja asked in confusion and Teuvo sighed.  
"You're going to meet him today," he said and as Tarja nodded he added, "Right time to tell him."

"Tarja - wow."  
Tuomas was speechless as she entered his car.  
"What?" Tarja chuckled.  
"I don't know, you look - hm. Different."  
"Like back from the death?" Tarja asked and put on her seatbelt.  
"No, like - just different. Your skin is so ... soft and rosy?" Tuomas swallowed. He could hardly say that her face looked chubbier than usual, right?  
"Soft and rosy? Alright, guy, you need to get out of Kitee, no doubt," Tarja said with a roll of her eyes and Tuomas started the car.  
But as he switched on his radio loudly, Tarja immediately increased the volume. She didn't know the CD but it was nothing for her baby, of that she was sure.  
"What's wrong? System Of A Down; don't you like it?" Tuomas asked dazzled.  
"N - y-yes, I do. But ... The volume."  
"You never cared about the volume before," Tuomas chuckled and Tarja shrugged.  
Neither of them said a word until they got to the lake.  
"There's a hole in the middle of the lake," Tuomas informed her with red cheeks. "We could go in there, like old times, you know ..."  
"No offence, but I just got healthy," Tarja said with a light smile. He was so cute ... "Maybe another time?"  
"Yeah - yeah. Of course, sure," Tuomas stuttered and put on his skates. "Haven't done that in years," he mumbled and Tarja looked at him.  
"Then why did you ask me to join ...?"  
"Because I know how much you enjoy it," Tuomas said and stood up. "And it's like riding a bike, you never forget how to skate. Right? You on skis though, embarrassing!"  
"Asshole," Tarja chuckled and gave his upper arm a little slap. Then she took his hand and they skated.  
Hand in hand they skated over the frozen lake, not saying a word, but both of them deep in thoughts.  
'I can't just kiss her,' Tuomas thought. 'She just had mono, she'll think I'm suicidal. Well, for her I'd do everything ... But what if she doesn't want me? We had sex and she doesn't even talk to me. Maybe she's just shy ... Okay, how to start this conversation?'  
'I have to tell him,' Tarja thought. 'I owe it to him. He's my best friend, he -'  
"Tari?"  
Tuomas stopped and made Tarja stop as well. "Yes?"  
Tuomas just looked at her, took in her beautiful appearance. He was unable to say something, so he just looked at this pretty, calm, cute and confused face. Her shining green eyes. Her cute nose, he loved more than anything. Her beautiful, simply stunning, kissable lips. And so he just kissed her.  
He came to stand directly in front of her, cupped her cheeks, stroke her beautiful cheekbones with his thumbs. 'What an unusual but perfect face form,' he thought, as every time he saw her. 'What an innocent and confused look in her eyes. I love her so much ...'  
And then he just bent down and laid his lips on hers.

For a few moments her heart stood still. For a few moments she thought she was dreaming.  
This was Tuomas, and Tuomas was kissing her.  
Tarja closed her eyes after the first shock, after all he had his eyes closed as well.  
Tarja couldn't think anymore, and while his lips were moving on hers, probably trying to make hers move along with his, everything around her got black.

"Tarja? Tari, baby??"  
"I'm awake, Mum ..." Tarja mumbled and opened her eyes, looking right into Tuomas' face.  
... So it hadn't been a dream?  
And she was sitting at the passenger's seat in Tuomas' car, Tuomas kneeling by her side - had he carried her back?? On his skates??  
"Did you just call me like my mother sometimes calls me?" Tarja chuckled, but Tuomas' face stayed shocked.  
"What just happened?" he asked, almost angrily. "You fainted! You're still ill, why didn't you tell me??"  
Tarja rolled her eyes. "Gosh, I'm not ill."  
"So you're trying to tell me that you fainted because I kissed you??" Tuomas shouted and Tarja threw an icy look at him.  
"You'd like that, right?"  
"Damn, no," Tuomas sighed. "I would have loved that ... that you would have kissed me back," he mumbled, avoiding her look.  
Oh.  
Tarja's heart suddenly increased the speed of its pounding, as she looked at her best friend, whose face was glowing. Who had just kissed her.  
"But now I guess I'll get mono, which is just logic since I'm the one who caused it to break out inside you."  
His words needed some time to reach Tarja's brain, but as they had, she just stared at him.  
"What?"  
"Don't try to tell me you did it with someone else," Tuomas said, almost helplessly. "I know you, Tari. You're not like that."  
"Wait," Tarja whispered and covered her belly. "Do you know that I -?"  
"How could I forget our night?" Tuomas said bitterly. "I remember every piece of it, every second, Tarja. I've never felt so good before. You made me ... you made me live. And I could never forget the first night in my life I actually felt alive!"  
Tarja couldn't respond, all of a sudden she felt very strange. Confused and ... hopeful.  
Was he saying that they had ...?  
"We have to talk about it," Tuomas said and took her hands. "Look, I'm sorry how I treated you over the last months. I didn't mean to offend you, but it's just not fair ... You were so ... so sultry and passionate and I just don't want to believe that you only slept with me to make me pay for my behaviour towards you." He put his hand on her cheek. "I wouldn't have slept with you if I wasn't in love with you ... But I am. For very sad five years now. And you just kissed me, dragged me up to your room and I couldn't believe it! I asked myself if you could feel the way as I do, I prayed to the non-existent God ... You told me it would be your first time, but I still don't believe you. But it doesn't matter, Tarja. We made love and it felt like it, like making love ... But then nothing changed in our relationship. Well, you got mono and I got a huge bad conscience. But I still love you and I beg you, Tarja. Talk to me ..."  
Tarja stared at him.  
Her mouth hung open as she looked for a sign in his face, a sign that told her that he was only fooling her.  
Nothing.  
Only truth inside his eyes, truth, begging and love.  
And she started laughing.  
She laughed with her high soprano laugh, relieved, suddenly feeling as if she was flying. She was so relieved.  
"Ehm ... Tarja?" Tuomas asked. He looked hurt.  
"Oh gosh," Tarja laughed and cupped his face. "You aren't lying? We had - we had sex?"  
"You don't remember," Tuomas sighed. "Yes, we did. Last night at the cottage in Lappi. We danced and one thing led to another. I didn't know you were that drunk ..."  
"I was quite drunk," Tarja agreed seriously, before she bursted into laughter again.  
Poor Tuomas. Of course he misinterpreted her laughter completely wrong, thinking of it as a sign that she was ashamed about having slept with him, or at least amused. Or worse - disgusted.  
"Well, I'll drive you home then," he said angrily and circled the car, got inside and crashed the door close.  
"You'll drive me nowhere, future-daddy," Tarja said cheerfully and Tuomas turned to look at her.  
"... What?" he whispered.  
"Oh, silly," Tarja laughed. "I'm not laughing because of you, or because we - we did it." She took a strand of his long hair and stroke it behind his ear. "I'm laughing because I'm relieved, Tuomas. I got pregnant that night, and now I finally know who's the father ..."  
Tarja smiled at his shocked and unbelieving expression.  
"Congratulations, Daddy," she whispered and patted his cheek.


	5. Chapter 5

"Okay - can you just stop making fun of me??" Tuomas shouted and Tarja quickly pulled her hand back.  
"Fun?" she asked. "I'm - I'm not making fun of you. I'm pregnant. From you ..." Tarja smiled. "I know you're probably shocked now, believe me. I was also quite shocked but by now I've accepted it. I'm going to have a baby ... A little me. Little us."  
"Tarja - this is ridiculous!" Tuomas said, shaking his head. "You were on birth control."  
"What?" Tarja asked, almost about to laugh again. "Who told you that?"  
Tuomas stared at her. "Y-you did! I - I wanted to get a condom but you told me you've got it covered."  
"And that means?" Tarja asked, starting to giggle.  
Tuomas shrugged. "I thought you meant that you were on birth control ..." he mumbled and Tarja sighed. She touched his shoulder gently.  
"I never took the pill before," she told him. "I'm sorry I lied to you."  
Tuomas smiled at her weakly. "It's okay ... I'm sorry for everything I did to you," he said. "Shouting at you ... getting you pregnant ... secretly trying on your underwear after we did it ..."  
"I - what?!" Tarja stared at him. "You didn't!" She bursted into laughter.  
"I didn't," Tuomas pinched her nose. "You were beautiful in this underwear and all I did with it was tearing it off your amazing body."  
Tarja blushed. "Thanks," she whispered and Tuomas got closer to her. "Does that - does that mean you're not going to kick me out of Nightwish?"  
"What?" Tuomas asked. "No! Of course not! You're ... you're having my baby ..."  
"So you believe me now?" Tarja asked and Tuomas sighed.  
"I'm still waiting to wake up. But yes. I believe you."  
"And you're ... okay with it?" Tarja bit her lower lip and Tuomas shrugged.  
"What should I do, scream around? I love you, Tarja, and partly it was my faut ... no, it was completely my fault. I could have noticed how drunk you were, so I was the one who screwed this up."  
"You still love me?" Tarja mumbled.  
"I always will," Tuomas mumbled back, caressing her cheek. "I didn't fall in love with you only because that night, Tari ..."  
"Why did you never tell me?" Tarja asked softly. And why couldn't she love him back? Why was it so hard to ... love him that way?  
"I was only your best friend," Tuomas said. "But now I'm more, I'm the father of your child and - also your boyfriend ... if you allow me."  
"I'll think of it," Tarja mumbled and Tuomas kissed her cheek.  
"Want a cake? I'll invite you."  
"Oh yes!" Tarja squeaked.

"So," Tuomas said after they had found a place at a table inside the café in Kitee. "Since when do you know it?"  
"Remember the day I stormed out during rehearsal?" Tarja asked and Tuomas nodded.  
"You already knew back then?"  
"I didn't know, but figure," Tarja said. "I bought a pregnancy test right after it and the morning after I made the test. It showed positive, logically."  
"Oh," Tuomas said. "And in which month are you?"  
"Week 11, that's almost three months," Tarja said quietly. "So in a week my first trimester will be over."  
"Wow," Tuomas said quietly. "It's so amazing how something like ... what we did can create a completely new life! And we didn't even try ..."  
"Not at all," Tarja said with a sigh and then looked up as the waitress came to stand next to her. "A chocolate cake please," she said. "And a caffeine free coffee."  
"Caffeine free?" the waitress asked. "What happened to the Tarja who loves a strong coffee with all her passion?"  
Tarja shrugged. "I don't know, Tove. Hey, my mum wants to know if you could come over this weekend!"  
While Tarja talked to Marjatta's friend Tove, Tuomas observed the future mother of his baby.  
His baby.  
He couldn't believe it, he still had no idea what to think of it, to be honest. But he didn't doubt her anymore, not at all. His eyes wandered down to Tarja's stomach and he couldn't see anything. She was wearing a thick pullover that perfectly hid her few extra pounds.  
No matter what, she was beautiful.  
Her hair was curly and reached until her shoulders, her cheeks were rosy, her smile was broad and honest ... His look trailed a little upwards. Had her boobs already gotten bigger ...?  
He couldn't suppress a grin as he thought back of how they had looked that night ...  
And then it happened.  
While Tarja was still talking to Tove, her hand trailed down and covered her belly.  
Tuomas watched her hand caress her womb absently. Tuomas had to smile. She loved the baby, he could see that. And he loved her, and he was definitely going to love the baby as well. So maybe they could start a family ... A real family, Tarja, Tuomas and their little one.  
Tuomas swallowed. It was too perfect to be real ...  
"What do you want, Tuomas?" Tove suddenly asked and Tuomas had to tear away his eyes from Tarja's hand.  
"Ehm - just coffee, please."  
"Also decaf?" Tove asked with a grin and Tuomas shook his head.  
"A strong cappuccino, please."  
After Tove had left, Tuomas looked at Tarja's hand again. "You love the baby," he whispered and Tarja nodded.  
"Now I do. Thank God my mother could hold me back from having an abortion ..."  
"Did you consider it?" Tuomas whispered shocked and Tarja stared at her nails.  
"I had an appointment already," she admitted. "I didn't know who the father was, I thought no one would support me ... But my parents fully support me, Tuo. Even my father. He's not happy but ... Maybe they'll be happy now. They like you, so ..." Tarja smiled at him.  
"And we have to tell my parents as well," Tuomas groaned and Tarja covered her mouth with her hands.  
"Right! Oh no ..."   
"Let's wait with that," Tuomas said. "We don't have to tell them today."  
"Yeah, let's talk about everything first." Tarja smiled and Tuomas nodded.  
"Yeah ... Do you know what it's going to be?"  
"Not yet, it was too early last week," Tarja said and looked down. "But I have a feeling, and according to my father, Mum always has guessed right."  
"So what do you think -?" Tuomas started, but he had to stop as Tove brought the coffees and the cake.  
"One strong cappuccino for the young man," she said and placed the mug in front of Tuomas, "and a cup of decaf and chocolate cake for the young lady."  
"Kiitos, Tove," Tarja said and the waitress smiled at them before she turned and walked away.  
"I wanted to ask you what you think it's going to be," Tuomas continued quietly, "but I think I want to be surprised."  
"Really?" Tarja asked with a smile and let her fork sink into the cake. "So you ... you'll stay with me? With us?"  
"I told you that I love you," Tuomas replied gently. "So, yes. I am going to stay. I told you, if you let me, I wanna be your boyfriend ..."  
Tarja blushed and stared at her cake.  
"That will probably sound stupid out of my mouth but ... I need time, Tuo. You're my best friend ..."  
"Right." Tuomas' leaned back. "Sorry. I won't put you under pressure."  
*But I won't stop trying to convince you you belong to me,* he added in his thoughts as he took a sip of his cappuccino.  
For a while it was quiet as Tarja ate her cake and Tuomas sipped his coffee. Both teens were deep in thoughts and both only could think of the little miracle inside Tarja's womb, while Tarja herself still wished being able to remember conceiving it.

After finishing the cake and their coffees, Tuomas paid for them and a few minutes later they walked through the snowy town.  
"Why did you invite me?" Tarja asked and Tuomas sighed.  
"I - I just felt like it, okay? See, I want to help you -"  
Tarja stopped walking and so did Tuomas. "It's okay," Tarja said. "You're helping me more than you think."  
"Really?" Tuomas asked and stepped closer. "Cause I feel really useless, you know -"  
Tarja hushed him with a small peck she gave him right on his lips.  
Tuomas' eyes fluttered shut as he waited for more, but Tarja pulled back, biting her lower lip. She smiled as she saw his hopeful expression.  
"Awww, what a cute puppy face," she said gently and cupped his face. Tuomas opened his eyes.  
"You kissed me."  
"I kissed you, yes," Tarja said quietly and her heart started fluttering as he looked at her with so much ... love, adoration, tenderness, ...  
Tuomas couldn't answer.  
Was it possible that she was even more beautiful now? Well, to him she was. She looked so cute with the red bonnet that covered half her forehead and the blue scarf that covered her beautiful jawline. The black coat, which she had always had troubles with buttoning up, now even more.  
"Do you ... want to be my girlfriend?" he mumbled and Tarja sighed again.  
"I need time," she repeated, "but right now it looks good for you."

They had spent the rest of the afternoon walking through the dark town. Even though it was dark, it was quite romantic as well. Christmas was a week away and Tarja planned on spending Christmas eve with the father of her unborn child.  
After a while they decided to go to Tarja's home, talk to her parents about everything. About that Tuomas was the real father and that he would stay with her and support her. Probably she would also tell them that he loved her, if Tuomas didn't tell them before she could.  
She grasped his hand and smiled at him before they entered.  
"Mother! I brought someone!" she called, but no one replied. Instead she found a note written by her mother, telling her that they had gone out to eat.  
"No idea when they'll come back," Tarja said with a shrug and looked at the young future Daddy. "Do you want to sleep here?"  
Tuomas smiled at her. "Yes ... If I may? I'll take the couch ..."  
"You're crazy ..." Tarja mumbled, grabbed his hand and pulled him upstairs. She pulled him into her room without a word and closed the door.  
"Get ... comfortable," she said and pointed at her bed.  
"This is okay for you? Me in your bed?" he mumbled and Tarja nodded.  
"Obviously ... yeah." She grimaced and pointed at her stomach. Tuomas swallowed.  
"Can I see ... it?"  
Tarja nodded. "Sure, wait," she said softly and peeled off her pullover.  
Tuomas swallowed hard as he noticed that her breasts had gotten bigger indeed. They looked, well ... harder.  
She opened the button of her jeans and then sat down on the bed.  
Tuomas approached her and put his shaking hands on her stomach.  
"Deeper," Tarja whispered and guided his hands until they came to rest on her womb.  
They stayed like this for a while, Tuomas caressing the small bulge there. Until Tarja stood up to get her little book and mother and child programme. She gave them to him and Tuomas started reading week 6, where she had started to write down every week's changes.  
"That's from last week," Tarja said and opened the mother and child programme, showing him an ultrasound picture of a small thing that looked like a bean.  
"Wow," Tuomas whispered, feeling tears well up in his eyes. "That's our - baby." He couldn't believe it. It was so small ... And it was in there, inside her body, created by him ... "Is it ... is it healthy?"  
"It is," Tarja said gently and squeezed Tuomas' shoulder, watching the young father continue reading the diary.  
"It's funny how you write about me every week," he suddenly said. "Now you know why I brought you flowers almost everyday ..."  
"Yep," Tarja giggled.  
"Week 10," he read. "Does Tuomas even have lilies left in his garden? I mean it's cute, but in my room they're only going to die! One flower died after a day, how am I supposed go raise a baby?" Tuomas looked at Tarja. "You'll keep it?"  
"I don't know yet," Tarja admitted. "We'll see."  
"If you do, Tari," Tuomas answered, "I'll fully support you, I promise."

Twenty minutes later they were lying in Tarja's bed. Tuomas had been brave enough to spoon her and now his hand was resting on Tarja's abdomen, gently caressing it, but not wandering deeper.  
She sighed quietly, both happy and confused.  
Happy because she finally knew who the father of her baby was and happy that it was her best friend. Confused because he was her best friend and because her best friend loved her.  
"Tuo?" she whispered after a while and Tuomas stroke her hair back so he could see more of her face.  
"Hm?"  
"Could you ..." Tarja closed her eyes. "Do you think you could tell me about our night?"


	6. Chapter 6

Tuomas wasn't sure if he had understood her correctly, first. Still caressing her belly, he pulled himself closer to her back until his lips touched her neck. "What?"  
"Can you tell me about the night we ... did it?" Tarja whispered again and Tuomas swallowed.  
"Yes ... sure, Tarja. But don't you think that's a little awkward for both of us since you don't remember anything?"  
"That's why I want you to tell me," Tarja insisted. "Please, Tuomas. I need to remember and maybe you can help me with that."  
"Okay," Tuomas sighed and leaned his cheek against her back. "What is the last thing you remember?"  
"The last thing I remember of the last day," Tarja mumbled. "Salli said she brought alcohol and wanted to have a party and everyone was okay with it. Of course. We clinked glasses on new friends, laughed, had fun, I drank and drank, until one of the girls, Noora, pulled me aside."  
"Ah, I remember that," Tuomas said. "What did she want?"  
"She wanted to stay in contact and have my address. I can't remember giving it to her, but she hasn't written until now, so maybe I didn't."  
"That's the last thing you remember?" Tuomas asked. "Because when you came down again, you wore something different ..." He blushed, and so did Tarja.  
Both were happy that it was dark.  
"Right," Tarja said. "I remember. That was a dress I bought in Rovaniemi the day before. Noora, Salli and I went there and the girls told me I had a secret admirer."  
"Yeah, they noticed that I'm in love with you," Tuomas mumbled.  
"They were cuties," Tarja remembered. "They pushed me into a shop and while Noora stayed with me, Salli took every dress she could think and gave it to me. Noora and I then decided and we took -"  
"The red dress," Tuomas continued. "You came down with a deep red dress and I swear, Tarja. You look the best in red. I couldn't believe it when you came down but it was you ... Your hair was open and your eyes deep black, your lips dark red ... I couldn't believe my eyes. You looked around and Eerik was by your side immediately, asking you to dance."  
"I couldn't remember that," Tarja whispered and Tuomas nodded.  
"Then I'll tell you now. Noora and Salli came over to me and told me it was my chance. They told me they knew how much I love you and I should ask you to dance. But while you danced with Eerik, I lost my courage. And it looked as if all of the guys wanted to dance with you. I didn't notice though how much he gave you to drink."  
"Must've been quite a lot," Tarja chuckled. "Maybe he wanted to -"  
"Fuck you?" Tuomas snorted. "Of course he wanted to, every straight guy in the room wanted to!"  
"Aww," Tarja giggled and Tuomas sighed.  
"I took a glass of red wine because I know how much you love it ... and I approached you two. At first Eerik was a little mean, he said he has claimed you as his new girlfriend now."  
"Oh gosh," Tarja mumbled. "I never saw more in him than a friend."  
"I know," Tuomas replied with a smile. "You told him and he vanished, quite pissed. You though, you ... you took my hand and pulled me towards the couch. You embraced me, thanked me for saving you from him and told me I was the best friend you have. A while we sat there, just cuddling, sipping your red wine every now and then. Then suddenly ... suddenly you pulled me down. 'Can I tell you a secret?' you asked.  
'Sure, you can tell me everything,' I answered and you giggled a little. Then you whispered into my ear:  
'Red wine makes me horny.'"  
"I told you that??" Tarja asked shocked. "Oh my God, I can't believe I told you my biggest secret!"  
"So it's true??" Tuomas called and laughed. "Oh my God, that's great, Tarja. Must have been hard for you, holding back your horniness over the last years ..."  
"Oh, I hate you!" Tarja laughed and Tuomas kissed her shoulder.  
"Love you too," he said gently before he went on. "I couldn't believe my ears, of course. What an amazing secret. I was laughing, but you looked at me so seriously. 'No joke,' you told me and suddenly ... you - you touched my thigh and let your hand slowly wander closer to my private parts ..." Tuomas had gotten quieter, gently he breathed the story into Tarja's beautiful ear. "No one was looking, I looked around panicking and noticed that no one paid attention to us. There were many people, also some of other cottages had come to party with us, some of them I've never seen before. You came closer and I ... I was so hard already, just because of your touch. You covered my erection with your hand and you whispered, 'Does red wine make you horny too?'  
'No,' I answered. 'But you do.'  
And then I kissed you and you kissed me back. I have to admit, I couldn't taste the alcohol in your mouth, I had drunken quite an amount for myself. But for our first kiss it was perfect. I pulled you close to me and you just slung your arms around me, you blindly reached for the hem of my shirt ... I remember how you inserted your hand and laid it on my beating heart while your tongue fought with mine ... And then Noora saw us."  
Tuomas laughed shortly, not noticing that silent tears were running over Tarja's cheeks. Why couldn't she remember? Why?  
"'Go upstairs,' Noora told me in a whisper. 'Go to Tarja's and my room, Salli and I won't bother you, I promise.'  
'Thank you,' I whispered to Noora and you beamed at her as well.  
'He's my secret admirer, right?' you asked and Noora nodded before she gave me your keys. She wished us fun and we looked at each other.  
'Let's do it,' you whispered. 'Let's have sex.'  
'Are you sure?' I whispered back. 'You're drunk and so am I ...'  
'Drunk, horny and in need,' you told me. 'Please, Tuo, I want you to be my first ...'  
Already back then I didn't believe I'd be 'your first' but I pulled you upstairs anyway. It lasted minutes until I had locked the door and when I turned around, you had already taken off your dress. You stood there with your backside directed to me, humming a soft melody. Sorry, Tarja ... but your ass is amazing."  
"Seriously?" Tarja chuckled and wiped her tears away.  
"Totally," Tuomas answered and reached down to pinch her butt cheek. Tarja giggled and reached behind to smack his thigh. "I couldn't hold back my erection anymore now. I quickly opened my pants and pulled them down, then I embraced you from behind and kissed your shoulder ..."

"You're really in need," Tarja whispered as she felt his hardness press against her ass. "Oh, that's good, that's really good. I wonder how it's going to feel once you're inside of me."  
"You're no virgin," Tuomas said. "It's not possible."  
"Why not?" Tarja purred and turned around.  
"Because - eh, because ..." Tuomas' eyes met her cleavage just in that moment and he forgot how to breathe and how to talk properly. "Because ..."  
"Because?" Tarja whispered but instead of answering, Tuomas leaned down and kissed her again, dragging her over to the large bed, which she had shared with Noora over the last five days. She parted her legs and he laid down between them, his hardness pressing against her throbbing entry dangerously. The sensation was amazing.  
Yet fully covered by their undergarments, Tarja had never experienced something erotic like this.  
And then his hands found the clasp of her bra and only a few seconds after that, his lips were caressing her whole upper body.  
Tarja laid there, her eyes closed, while Tuomas' lips wandered over her body, licked her skin, sucked on her hardnened nipples, caressed her breasts gently.  
Tuomas had never seen such a beautiful woman before and he knew he'd never see someone more beautiful. While he was kissig her upper body, a dozen new lines came into his mind, one more erotic than the other.  
Until he was brave enough to slide his hand into her panties and between her thighs. He swallowed before he dipped a finger into her warm wetness, added a second finger, inserted them deeply.  
"Hurts," Tarja whispered and Tuomas looked at her.  
"Shall I stop?" he asked but Tarja shook her head.  
"Go on. I want to feel your dick fully inside me."  
"What a beautiful and dirty mouth," Tuomas chuckled and pulled her panties down. He crawled down and parted her legs to have a better look at her and after he had stared at her for a few seconds, he again had created several new lines for the most erotic songs in the history of Nightwish.  
He couldn't stop himself from kissing her private parts and tasting her juices. He heard a little gasp escape her lips as he drank from her thighs, making him wonder why he hadn't kissed her earlier. He hovered over her, and Tarja was staring at him. "Did you just ..."  
"I only did something I've always wanted to to with you," Tuomas answered gently and cupped her face. "Now ... ehm ... do you have a condom?"  
"No, why should I?" Tarja asked. "I'm a virgin."  
"First of all, you're not," Tuomas insisted. "Second, even if you were - that's no excuse for not having a condom."  
"Well, do you have one?" Tarja asked and Tuomas blushed.  
"No ... See, I didn't think I would get lucky ..."  
"Why do always underestimate yourself?" Tarja asked gently. "You're a great choice, Tuomas. A great choice for my first time. And don't worry ... I've got it covered."  
She winked at him and Tuomas smiled, carefully sinking down between her thighs. Slowly pushing forward.  
He could feel her wetness making it possible to him to slide into her, until he felt a soft resistance.  
"It hurts," Tarja suddenly said, her voice trembling. Tuomas looked down at her and bit his lip. No, she couldn't be a virgin, she was way too beautiful. And she had a boyfriend before she had joined his band, it wasn't possible that they never ...  
"Shhh," Tuomas mumbled and kissed her lips gently before he buried himself fully inside her with a push.  
Tarja let out a short wimper, followed by a moan.  
'See, she enjoys it,' Tuomas told himself and then he gave himself to the lust that carried him away. Only Tarja was important now, only Tarja and the love he held for her.

"Wow," Tarja whispered. "Nothing. I can't remember nothing ... But didn't I bleed afterwards?"  
"Not everyone bleeds and you obviously didn't," Tuomas mumbled and continued stroking her small baby bump. "So, the next day I woke up before you," he said. "I went down to have some breakfast, but as I came back, you were gone. I looked for you everywhere but I couldn't find you. I wanted to tell you that I loved you, and after Noora and Salli asked me if we did it and I said yes, they forced me to tell you."  
"That's why they asked me 'how it was'," Tarja remembered. "I thought they talked about dancing with Eerik, so I said it was great. And funny. They wanted to know 'how he was', so I told them that he was good ..."  
"Thank you," Tuomas chuckled kissed her shoulder. "Why did you ignore me?"  
"I didn't ignore you, I treated you as always," Tarja defended herself.  
"No," Tuomas said. "I wanted to talk to you but you didn't even look at me."  
"You asked me how I was feeling -," Tarja started and Tuomas interrupted her.  
"And you told me you didn't feel special, only hungover. Since then you ignored me and this ... what you said and the way you ignored me afterwards, this broke my heart."  
Tarja didn't reply. True, she had told him that she didn't feel special, only hungover. Of course she saw how much it must have hurt him.  
"Oh, Tuo ..." she whispered and turned around, melting inside his arms. "I'm sorry for breaking your heart."  
"You healed it again by telling me you're pregnant," Tuomas said gently and kissed her forehead.

An hour later Tarja's family came home. Quietly they went upstairs, figuring that Tarja would be asleep already.  
Marjatta opened the door quietly - and gasped. "Teuvo! Teuvo, quick!" she whispered and her husband came to stand next to her, smiling at the sight of a fast asleep, happy looking Tuomas, holding a peacefully slumbering and smiling Tarja in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

When Tarja woke up, Tuomas was already awake. "Hi, beautiful," he said gently and stroke her cheek. "Slept well?"  
"I did," Tarja replied with a small blush. She closed her eyes and smiled. "Somehow being held by you made me calm down a lot ..."  
"Mhh," Tuomas mumbled and kissed her lips. "You look so beautiful ..."  
"Thank you, charmer," Tarja whispered and sighed. "We have to go downstairs and ... talk to my parents."  
"Alright, let's go," Tuomas said and stood up, quickly putting on his clothes from the day before. Tarja tried to sit up, getting surprised by a wave of nausea.  
"Oh damn," she muttered and jumped out of the bed and over to her bathroom. Only a few seconds later Tuomas thought that Tarja was about to die in her bathroom.  
"Tari?"  
"Go away," Tarja called. "This is gross ..."  
But Tuomas entered, knelt down next to her to hold her hair and stroke over her back gently. "I'm sorry," he said, really meaning it. "What can I do for you?"  
"Nothing, really," Tarja sighed. "Go and prepare clothes for me, maybe ... Just anything."  
Tuomas kissed the back of her head and while Tarja continued with giving her insides to the toilet, Tuomas prepared simple jeans and a cute pullover that was very much Tarja. He sniffed into her closet as he always did when he was in her room and then he crawled on her bed to sniff on her pillow. He loved her scent so much and it was amazing how their scents had mixed in the night, almost created a new one.  
"What are you doing?"  
Tuomas looked at the questioning face of the girl he had impregnated and who looked at him with a cocked eyebrow and a toothbrush in her hand.  
He was still holding her pillow to his face.  
"I - I just love your scent so much," he admitted and put the pillow back. "I always smell on your things when you're not in the room ..."  
"Oh," Tarja said and returned back into the bathroom.  
Her heart was beating. He loved her scent so much. He had said he was sorry as she had vomited and he had kissed the back of her head. He really seemed to love her ... Tarja looked into the mirror.  
She looked tired, exhausted but somehow happy. Happy because she knew she was loved?  
Then why couldn't she just give in and love him back?  
He approached from behind and Tarja saw that he smiled. She smiled back into the mirror and he slung his arms around her. His lips pressed against her temple he mumbled, "And I love you so much," and Tarja closed her eyes.  
It would be easier if she could really love him back ... Not like a friend. Like a lover. Like the father of her baby ...  
But she didn't.

The grin that awaited her downstairs made her roll her eyes.  
"Good morning," she said stiffly and sat down at the table.  
"Where's your boyfriend?" Marjatta asked happily and Tarja sighed.  
"He's not my boyfriend, mother," Tarja said softly and grabbed some toast. "And he's brushing his teeth."  
"He's not your boyfriend?" Marjatta asked. "What was he doing in your bed then? Naked? With his arms around you? Oh, good morning, Tuomas."  
Tuomas sat down next to Tarja. "Good morning, Marjatta," he said shyly.  
"He wasn't naked," Tarja stated. "And he was in my bed because -" she looked at Tuomas, who nodded.  
"I am -" Tuomas stared at his plate. "I'm the baby's father."  
"You're -" Marjatta started and immediately got quiet, her eyes darting between the teenagers. "You -"  
"Tuomas and I slept with each other," Tarja said softly. "In Lappi. I couldn't remember but Tuomas told me about it ..."  
"First I told you we should talk about what happened," Tuomas said.  
"Right." Tarja nodded. "Then you told me you loved me."  
"And you laughed and told me you're pregnant," Tuomas ended and both teens giggled.  
Marjatta shook her head. "Crazy," she said. "That's crazy. But at least you know now who the father is. And that he loves you."  
"Speaking of it, did you know he did?" Tarja asked and Marjatta laughed.  
"Sure, honey. It was just too obvious."  
Tuomas stared at his plate, his face glowing. Tarja touched his shoulder.  
"Do you want a cup of coffee?" she asked gently and Tuomas nodded thankfully.  
Tarja vanished in the kitchen and Tuomas looked at the grinning elder woman.  
"Really, so obvious?" he asked quietly.  
"Oh. Yes." Marjatta just said and Tuomas sighed.  
"But she doesn't love me," he said sadly.  
"Why do you think that?" Marjatta asked and Tuomas shrugged.  
"She just acts like she doesn't. Doesn't want to be with me, doesn't tell me she loves me -"  
"Well of course she doesn't show or simply tell you her feelings, sweetie," Marjatta said. "She got bullied some years ago, she stopped showing her feelings at some point. And she's a Finn." Marjatta let out a short laugh. "That doesn't mean she doesn't love you."  
Tuomas smiled, a little calmer. She was right, Tarja didn't show her feelings much. He remembered what she used to do when she was about to cry: she would snap a rubber band against her wrist to prevent herself from crying.  
Maybe she did love him ... And if she didn't, he wouldn't stop to try. He still thought they belonged together, and if she needed time, he'd give it to her. And if she told him she loved him when their baby was born or when their baby was five years, ten years or even older ... He wouldn't care. He would wait and give her as much time as she needed.  
"I know Tarja," Marjatta went on. "If you wait for her to say 'I love you', have fun with waiting. She hasn't told me in years."  
Tuomas smiled at Marjatta, asking himself why he had been afraid. He knew that she loved him, she'd probably support them if they told her they would marry soon.  
Tarja came back with a cup of coffee. She told them she was still feeling sick and then sat down on Tuomas' lap, embracing him.  
"Thank you for everything," she mumbled and leaned her forehead against his.  
Marjatta smiled. Oh, her daughter did love him.

They continued eating their breakfast silently, only exchanging a few looks every now and then. Marjatta kept observing them, not sure if she should comment their cuteness or not. But just as she was about to say something, the telephone rang and she stood up to pick up.  
"I'm still waiting for her to ask us out," Tarja mumbled and Tuomas took her and.  
"About?" he asked gently.  
"Well, about us. Our plans once the baby is born, about our relationship, also our night ... or did she ask you when I was preparing your coffee?"  
"Oh no, no," Tuomas quickly said. "You're right. Guess she'll ask us soon. Did you see her look? Like we were getting interviewed ..."  
Tarja laughed.  
"Don't joke about getting interviewed," a sudden voice said and Marjatta came back to the dining room, "or else I'll have to tell Emppu you forgot about your interview today."  
"That's not an interview, it's a photo shooting," Tuomas said and suddenly his eyes went wide. "Oh no. I forgot about it."  
"Emppu said you better hurry up, they'll be here in half an hour," Marjatta said and Tarja stared at Tuomas.  
"A photo shooting? Are you serious??"  
"For the new German RockHard magazine," Tuomas said weakly. They'll publish a short story about Nightwish and I agreed to let them shoot a few -"  
"But Tuomas," Tarja said softly. "I don't fit into my stage clothes anymore."  
Marjatta's eyes darted between the teenagers once again. "You don't?" she then asked. "Why didn't you ask me to sew them wider? Now it's too late."  
"What else could I wear?" Tarja asked herself. "What are you going to wear, Tuo?"  
"Truth be told, I have no idea," Tuomas said, then he stood up. "Thank you very much for the breakfast and for letting me sleep here," he quickly said to the women. "I'm going to drive home to get my clothes, I'll be back soon. Tarja, if the guys are faster than I - just tell them I had to get my clothes."  
"So we're telling them indirectly that you slept here?" Tarja asked and Tuomas sighed.  
"Tari ... they know we slept with each other."  
Tarja groaned. "Did you also tell them that we're going to be parents??"  
"What? No! I didn't time to do that yet." Tuomas chuckled as Tarja groaned again. He kissed her cheek and mumbled, "And it's up to you when we're going to tell them. See you later, love you."  
And with that he vanished, Tarja staring after him. As she turned her head again, she caught her mother looking at her. "What?"  
"You're cute," Marjatta said. "He really loves you, baby."  
"I know," Tarja answered with a smile.

The guys were faster than Tuomas.  
"Tarja! Back from the dead?" Jukka greeted her with a slap on her shoulder.  
"Ouch - yes."  
"Tarja, hi!" Emppu greeted her with a hug and a, "So whom did you kiss to get so ill?"  
"You're so stupid," Tarja muttered and embraced Sami. "Tuomas," she then giggled and the guys cheered.  
"We knew it!" Sami.  
"No really, we knew it." Emppu.  
"So you're together now?" Jukka.  
Tarja sighed. "It's complicated, guys," she said calmly. "Can we explain it to you another time? You need your happy faces for the photoshoot."  
"We're Nightwish, Tarja, we don't do happy faces," Emppu said. "Only in private. Hey, the whole world thinks we're stern and serious, we can't suddenly laugh in our pictures!"  
"Okay, true," Tarja laughed and then she got serious again. "But still, it's too much to tell it to you now. No, we're not together."  
"What?" It was obvious that the guys couldn't believe it.  
"Please," Tarja said. "Another time - okay?"  
"Yeah, you better go and change," Jukka said. "That blouse is not very Tarja-like."  
Tarja blushed. "It's what I wanted to keep on for the shooting ..."  
"What?" Emppu asked again.  
"I feel uncomfortable in my stage clothes," Tarja sighed and the three guys eyed her. Luckily the doorbell rang just in that moment and Tarja hurried to open it. She almost got a heart attack as she saw what Tuomas was wearing:  
A grey blazer she had never seen on him before.  
"And who's that?" Sami asked.  
"Tuomas?" Tarja said and pulled Tuomas inside.  
"You two look like ... I can't find the right words for it," Jukka said and looked at Emppu and Sami, still trying to find the right words.  
"Boring?" Emppu tried to help. "As if they were two forty years old on their way to the Christmas party of their office?"  
"Haha," Tuomas commented, but Tarja was acting surprised as well.  
"What are you wearing?" she asked quietly and turned to only look at him.  
"I'm doing this for you," Tuomas replied as quiet and took her hand. "I didn't want you to be the only one dressing boring ... and I wanted to show you how adult I can be."  
Tarja's cheeks blushed. She smiled at him, not letting go of his hand, until they heard the guys clearing their throats behind them.  
"So, you're not together?" Sami asked and Tuomas shook his head, stepping away from the dark haired woman.  
"It's much more complicated," he said and the three other Finns rolled their eyes.  
"Let's just go, okay?"

"Tarja, Tuomas, smile!"  
They smiled and the photographer took a picture. "Cute," he said with a grin directed to his camera. "Tarja, isn't that Tuomas' blazer?"  
"It is," Tarja said. "It's December, I'm cold!"  
"Cute," the photographer said again and turned to the other Nightwish members.  
"And fat," Tarja muttered under her breath. "I'm cold and fat and hungry and pregnant as fuck."  
"You're everything of that but not fat," Tuomas said. "Tell me what you want to eat, I'll get it for you."  
Tarja looked at him in surprise. "What if I told you I want nothing from that buffet but a pizza?" she tried.  
"Tell me which pizza you want and I'll call the pizza delivery," Tuomas answered without a sign of joking in his face.  
"Oh, you're so stupid," Tarja sighed. "Get me those little breads from the buffet."  
And Tuomas rushed off to get them for her.  
And as Tarja watched him putting them on a little paper plate only for her, her heart started racing.  
Was he really trying to act more adult ... for her?  
For their baby?


	8. Chapter 8

"Seriously now" Jukka said as they all entered his car. "Tarja. Tuomas. What the hell is up with you two??"  
"Why are you asking?" Tuomas asked. "Nothing's up with us."  
"First of all, Tarja is still wearing your blazer. So are you together or not??"  
"No," Tarja and Tuomas replied in synch.  
"Next, you're holding her hand."  
Tuomas let go of Tarja's hand. "She felt sick," he muttered.  
"Oh, how cute," Sami said. "So what about before, when she sent you to the buffet to get some bread and you immediately rushed to it, murdering everyone who wanted to take her food from you with your eyes. Me, for example. 'Get away from the cheese, it's for Tarja!' Dude, what's up with you?"  
"Tarja wanted cheese," Tuomas said weakly and Tarja patted his arm.  
"I haven't had anything to eat this morning," she said. "Tuomas just wanted to help, but you can't stop interpreting something into it. Nothing has changed, Tuomas has ever been my best friend and he will ever be. Yes, we had sex but we agreed that it didn't mean anything."  
Tuomas just nodded, his heart aching madly. It didn't mean anything ...  
"Have you talked about what happened?" Emppu asked and the parents to be nodded.  
"We talked," Tarja said. "And we came to the end that it won't happen again."  
Thus, his heart clenched even more. *Why, Tarja? Why don't you love me the way I love you?*  
"Exactly," he said dryly. "Best friends don't sleep with each other."  
The guys eyed the two suspiciously, noticing that they avoided each others eyes as good as possible.  
Tuomas looked deeply sad, while Tarja just looked hella embarrassed.  
"And ..." Emppu said after a while. "Did you tell her, Tuo? You know what ..."  
Tuomas replied nothing at first and Tarja blushed.  
"I told her," he said quietly and Tarja nodded.  
"I - I know that he's in love with me," she whispered.  
The guys groaned. "Seriously??"  
"Then why aren't you together??"  
"Damn, Tarja!!"  
"Why are you so fucking stubborn??"  
"Tuomas is the best guy you'll ever -"  
"Stop!" Tuomas called as Tarja buried her face in his chest, sobbing quietly. "Are you nuts??"  
"Since when does Tarja cry?" Sami only asked.  
"She's - she's still not completely healthy," Tuomas said softly. "Could you please drive on? Bring us to Tarja."  
"You both?" Jukka asked and Tuomas nodded.  
"Please."  
And then the guys said nothing about the two anymore, they even ignored them completely. And Tuomas stroke Tarja's straightened black hair, while Tarja herself held her little belly.  
*Don't cry,* she told herself. *Yeah, the guys literally think you're a monster for what you did to Tuo, but they also don't know about your intentions. They don't know I'm pregnant and still have no idea what to do - if I keep it, my life is over and so is Tuomas'. But I also don't want to give it away. Oh what shall I do ...*

The guys ignored them until Jukka stopped his car in front of Tarja's house. There, the driver turned around and asked,  
"We're going out tonight, will you join? At least you, Tuomas?"  
But Tuomas shook his head. "I'll go home, haven't seen my mother in ages," he lied and he was sure that no one believed him.  
"Greet her from me," Emppu then said. "And Tarja, greet Marjatta as well."  
Tarja promised to greet her mother and they left the car.  
"How are you?" Tuomas asked gently and wrapped his arm around his Love.  
"Exhausted," Tarja mumbled. "And dizzy ... I'm close to collapsing again."  
"Oh boy," Tuomas said and pushed her inside and on the couch, preparing a glass of water for her.  
"Thanks," Tarja muttered and took a sip.  
"Your Dad's here," Tuomas said and Tarja coughed.  
"Oh God, did he see you?"  
Tuomas nodded. "Hasn't said something though. Either he doesn't know yet or he just doesn't know what to say."  
Tarja said nothing. All of a sudden she felt really uncomfortable with the whole situation. She had tried to tell herself it was okay, she would get the baby and give it away, but then there was Tuomas and he almost seemed to ... enjoy everything of that. Now she felt unhappy and guilty. Unhappy because she was pregnant and didn't want to be and guilty because she knew it was the best if she gave the baby away. Also she felt guilty because she knew she didn't want to give the baby away, only because of Tuomas. He would be such a wonderful father, she just knew he would be.  
"What are you thinking of?" Tuomas asked gently and Tarja sighed.  
"The baby ..."  
"About names?" Tuomas asked. "If yes, I have the perfect names for a boy and a girl. Soile and Lauri. Because -"  
"Our second names," Tarja said weakly and Tuomas nodded.  
"Exactly! And as second names Laura for a girl, so we would have a Soile Laura -"  
"No," Tarja interrupted him and touched his thigh. "That's so, so sweet, Tuo, but I think we should give it a name that's not related to us."  
"Oh, okay," Tuomas said dully. "Like what?"  
"I like the name Kaarina," Tarja said with a small blush.  
Tuomas said nothing. *Kaarina Holopainen,* he thought. *Doesn't even sound bad. And if she doesn't want the baby to have my name, Kaarina Turunen. If it's a girl, of course.* "Beautiful, Tarja," he then mumbled and kissed the top of her head. "Kaarina it is."  
For a few minutes they were cuddling, until Teuvo came in and the boy quickly let go of the girl. But Teuvo waved.  
"Go on. I won't disturb."  
Tarja pulled Tuomas against her again and put his hand on her stomach. Tuomas grinned. "Hello there, Kaarina," he said and Teuvo raised an eyebrow.  
"Hello, Daddy," Tarja replied with a baby-like voice and now both of Teuvo's eyebrows were raised.  
"How's my little one today?" Tuomas asked gently and Tarja replied, "Tired. I wanna sleep. And Mommy is tired as well."  
"Then what about sleeping a little?" Tuomas suggested and kissed Tarja's covered belly.  
"Okay, hold still!" Teuvo suddenly said. "What?!"  
Tarja and Tuomas bursted into laughter. "Didn't mother tell you?" Tarja asked after they had calmed down.  
"What exactly?" Teuvo asked slowly and Tarja took the young father's hand.  
"Tuomas ... Tuomas is the baby's father," she said softly and Teuvo leaned back.  
"I thought a guy called Eerik -"  
"I made him up," Tarja said and sighed. "Truth is, I couldn't remember who -"  
"You couldn't remember?" Teuvo interrupted his daughter. "Seriously, who are you? You usually don't drink so much."  
"I know," Tarja said helplessly. "But aren't you happy that it was Tuomas who - mhhh ..." Tarja blushed. "You know what."  
"Who got you pregnant?" Tuomas helped.  
"That. And who took my virginity," Tarja mumbled and Tuomas answered with a quiet "Ohhh".  
Teuvo said nothing first but then he sighed. "I'm not happy about anything," he said. "But truth be told, I'm relieved. I know what you feel for my daughter and I can see how much you love the baby already. But do me a favour - don't call her Kaarina."  
The teens laughed once more, then Tuomas helped Tarja up.  
"Let's sleep a little," he whispered and kissed her lips.  
"Okay," Tarja whispered back and after looking into his eyes for a few seconds, she kissed him back gently.

The next week Tarja joined in the studio again, always dressed in wide pullovers to cover her extra pounds as good as possible. Tuomas found her very cute with her cubby cheeks and he pinched them whenever he had the chance to.  
He paid attention to how much Tarja was drinking, he wanted to avoid her collapsing right in front of the guys.  
And he had noticed another side effect of her pregnancy - she went to the toilet almost every ten minutes.  
But he loved her more from one day to the other, and he still had no idea what to give her for Christmas. Eventually he went to the clothes store and bought baby shoes and a bodysuit in light green, much to the surprise of the clerk, who knew him.  
"Don't tell me you're going to be a father!" Eeva, a former classmate and colleague of the choir shouted.  
"No, I'm not," Tuomas said. "It's for a friend of mine. She doesn't know what it's going to be yet, so I decided to buy green stuff."  
"That's cute," Eeva commented and waved him after her. "Don't you want to buy a fitting soother?" she asked and Tuomas took the green rubber thing with a sigh.  
"You surely know how to make customers buy something they didn't even want to buy first, Eeva," he then chuckled a he paid.  
Eeva grinned. "Hey, how's Tarja?"  
"Fine," Tuomas said without looking the blonde woman in the eyes. "A little stressed, the band and stuff ..."  
"I may give her a little call for Christmas," she then said with a shrug. "Good luck to your friend! And happy Christmas and happy birthday to you."  
Tuomas thanked Eeva and quickly went outside. In his car he pulled the bodysuit and the shoes out of the paper bag.  
He had to fight back his tears as he observed the small things, not able to believe that his baby, his baby would soon wear those things.  
A single tear rolled down his cheek and he pressed the little bodysuit against his chest. He wanted to keep the baby, but something told him that it was better to give it away ... They were only eighteen and almost nineteen, they weren't able to raise a baby!  
He stuffed the things back into the paper bag and drove home, thinking of how he would wrap the present.  
At home he smuggled the bag past his mother and up to his room, where he quickly wrapped it. When should he give it to her? Best time would be Christmas eve of course, but could he risk to give her the parcel in front of his parents?  
Kirsti had immediately agreed as he had asked if Tarja could spend Christmas eve with them.  
"Sure, I love Tarja!" she had said and Tuomas had almost asked if she'd accept a baby in their lives ... But no, it was up to Tarja to tell the people around her. And the press ... What would the press say ...  
He put the parcel on his desk and decided that, if Tarja was alright with telling his parents soon, he'd give the present to her on Christmas eve.  
He laid down on his bed and sighed. He missed her so much already ... One day without her was pure torture. He had spent the night at home as well, but he hadn't been able to sleep much. He suddenly had the feeling that something could happen with Tarja and he wasn't there to help her. Even if she just needed to vomit, he wasn't here to hold back her hair.  
So he grabbed his phone and dialled the number of the Turunens.  
Toni answered and Tuomas had only greeted him with "Hi, Toni -" as Toni already called his sister's name.  
"Tuo?"  
"Hello, beauty," Tuomas said gently and Tarja on the other line smiled.  
"Hi," she whispered back.  
"How are my babies?"  
"Both fine," Tarja said. "And both are missing you ..."  
Tuomas signed quietly. When she talked to him like that it almost felt as if she loved him ... Why couldn't it just be true?  
"You can come over, by the way," Tuomas said. "For Christmas eve. And you can stay over night. We could party until it's my birthday and with party I mean eating."  
Tarja laughed. He was so, so cute. "That's a great idea," she replied. "I'd love to eat all night long. So, when can I come?"  
"After the mass maybe?" Tuomas said. "When will the mass be over? You know that I won't go there ..."  
"It's over around seven or something," Tarja said. "Then I'll receive my presents and then I could come over. At about eight."  
"Okay," Tuomas said. "I'm looking forward."  
"Me too," Tarja said and after hesitating for a moment she added, "and I want to tell your parents."  
"Okay," Tuomas said and stroke the package on his desk. "We'll tell them. Love you, Tari ..."  
And Tarja hung up.


	9. Chapter 9

He greeted her with a kiss and a mumbled "Merry Christmas" before his eyes fell on a plastic bag that was filled with parcels.  
"Oh no," Tuomas laughed and pulled her inside. "You didn't really get something for me, right?"  
Tarja blushed. "For you and your parents," she mumbled and Tuomas kissed her again, gently.  
"You shouldn't have," he whispered and Tarja smiled.  
"You shouldn't have either - kissed me and stuff ... got me pregnant ..." she whispered back and for a few seconds they looked at each other.  
"So ..." Tuomas then said and took her hand. "We are ... what are we?"  
"Future parents but no couple," Tarja said with a sigh. "Alright?"  
"Yeah," Tuomas replied without a smile. "Come on, we just wanted to eat."  
"Immediately, I'm just going to put the presents under the tree," Tarja announced and vanished in the living room, while Tuomas went back to the dining room.  
"She's here," he sighed. "And she's more beautiful than ever."  
"Aww," Kirsti said. "One day she'll notice how perfect you are for her, I'm sure."  
Tuomas didn't answer something, he just stared at his plate.   
"Oh, hello Tarja!" Tuomas' father greeted the young girl as she stepped inside.  
"Hi, Kirsti and Pentti," Tarja said shyly and took a seat next to Tuomas - where else?  
"Tuomas was right," Kirsti said. "You look more beautiful than ever."  
"Mum ..." Tuomas groaned and his parents laughed.  
They started eating.  
"Anyway, thanks for allowing me to be here," Tarja said after a while and Kirsti grinned.  
"Yeah, we already thought you two wanted to tell us something ..."  
The young parents to be changed a quick look and blushed.  
"I - Tuomas said he rather celebrates Christmas with me," Tarja muttered.  
"With his family," Pentti said with a wink and Tarja coughed. Did they ... know?  
"What did you get from your parents, Tari?" Tuomas quickly changed the subject, but he hadn't asked a good question.  
"I'll tell you later," Tarja, who had mostly gotten baby-related things, said. "But from Toni I got a new book." *Something not baby-related, thank God ...*  
"Great, which one?" Tuomas said, but he got interrupted by his mother.  
"Where will you sleep tonight, Tarja?"  
Tarja's face already resembled a tomato. "I ..."  
"In my room," Tuomas said with a shrug and his parents exchanged an amused look.  
"Don't be too loud, then," Kirsti chuckled and Tuomas glared at her.  
"And what are you going to do tomorrow?" Pentti asked and Tuomas shrugged.  
"No ideas yet. I'd like to go ice skating again."  
"That's a good idea," Tarja said and gave him a thankful look.  
"Okay ..." Kirsti went on. "Does anyone want another portion?"  
Tuomas and Pentti shook their heads but Tarja said shyly, "If I may?"  
Tuomas watched his beloved eat and his eyes travelled to her stomach. Did it grow during the last days? It surely did but he couldn't see anything. She still perfectly hid it.  
Her boobs though ...  
Tuomas quickly looked away, trying to suppress a grin. Yes, they had grown.  
Or did they only look bigger because of the pullover? She was wearing a red polo neck pullover which was reaching over her ass. But still somehow her belly wasn't visible ... Although, when she was sitting like this, there was a little bulge -  
"Tuo?"  
Tuomas looked up and into his mother's face who need him with one brow lifted up. "Hm?"  
"We wanted to unwrap the presents now ... Tarja's done eating," Kirsti announced and Tuomas nodded dully. Had he stared at her the whole time now?  
But now they would tell them. Soon they would know that they were going to be grandparents ... if they didn't know already.  
"Father -," Tuomas said and held the blonde man back as his mother and Tarja went to the living room. "What do you want us to tell you?"  
"Well that you're a couple," Pentti said and Tuomas' face fell. "You spent almost every night at her place last week, you're so in love with her -"  
"I am in love with her," Tuomas said quietly. "But she doesn't love me ..."  
"I don't think so," Pentti said. "She's searching for your look in the same desperate way than you do and when she looks at you she smiles ..."  
"That's because of something else," Tuomas muttered and then he entered the living room with a sigh.  
Tarja had taken a seat on the floor and now glanced up to Tuomas. "Come here," she said hopefully and Tuomas sat down next to her ... where else?  
"Do you want to start?" Kirsti asked excitedly but Tuomas shook his head. He didn't want to destroy their whole celebration.

Everyone had received their presents so far - besides Tarja. Tarja had given Tuomas a watch, the bands were leather and the clock face was black, the hands were white. It was a beautiful watch - and quite a metal one. Kirsti and Pentti were admiring the watch as Tuomas suddenly got uncomfortable.  
"I - I have something for you as well, Tari," he said and he swallowed. Suddenly it was quiet in the room - why? Did his parents expect him to propose to her now?  
The thought of proposing to her suddenly made his heart race. With shaking hands he took the parcel and gave it to her. "M - merry Christmas, Tari. I guess you've already received loads of that stuff but I - I couldn't think of something else."  
"It's okay," Tarja replied gently and took the present.  
"And is it okay that we'll -?" he nodded into the direction of his parents and Tarja nodded.  
"More than okay," she said without moving her lips and while her fingers brushed over the paper he noticed she was shaking. "Tuo ... I really appreciate -"  
"Open, please," Tuomas begged her. "Maybe you won't like it."  
"As long as I'm going to have use for it ..." she mumbled and finally opened it, the soother falling outside.  
"Oh, Tuo!" she breathed while Tuomas heard a gasp escape the lips of his mother. He ignored her and watched Tarja pull out the bodysuit and the babyshoes.  
"Aren't these cute!" Tarja cooed and smiled at Tuomas. "The shoes fit with the bonnet that mother gave me! She made it herself! Oh thank you, Tuo!" Tarja embraced Tuomas, completely unaware that his parents were still watching.  
Kirsti and Pentti were in total shock.  
They exchanged a look and Pentti finally dared to clear his throat.  
"Ahem ..."  
The teenagers looked up and into the flabbergasted faces of Tuomas' parents.  
"Tarja -" Kirsti finally managed to say. "Are you - are you pregnant?"  
"Yes," Tarja said softly and looked at the floor. Now they would ask who the father was ...  
But it came differently.  
"So were going to be grandparents."  
It was a statement, no question.  
Tarja looked at Kirsti in surprise. "Yes," she said and Tuomas nodded.  
The elder Finns exchanged a look.  
"So now you know what we needed to tell you," Tuomas said weakly as his father suddenly stood up.  
"Have you lost your mind??" he bellowed and the teens winced.  
"We didn't want this to happen!" Tuomas shouted and Pentti shook his head.  
"Even worse! Didn't you use protection??"  
"We - we thought we did," Tuomas said weakly.  
"You thought??" Kirsti asked shocked.  
"We were drunk -" Tarja started, but a shocked gasp made her shut up.  
"Drunk?!"  
"Yes ..." Tuomas groaned. "We didn't ... quite know what we did."  
"And I thought you were together," Kirsti said disappointed. "You know, without a baby and stuff. But no, you aren't together but you're going to have a baby."  
"Well," Tuomas started. "Tarja at least knows that I love her."  
The adults looked at Tarja, whose cheeks were deep red. She didn't answer though and Tuomas sighed. "She doesn't like to talk about that subject ..."  
"Doesn't matter now," Pentti growled. "How could you be so brainless to think you used protection?! No one can be that drunk!"  
"Dad!" Tuomas shouted and grasped Tarja's hand. Her eyes were full of tears. "Don't scream at her. She's innocent."  
"So it's your fault then," Pentti hissed. "See, I really thought you were smart enough to know when it's better not to do something."  
"I couldn't resist," Tuomas tried to defend himself. "And I didn't think -"  
"Oh yes, you didn't think," Kirsti chuckled and her husband sent her a glare. "Oh, come on!" she shouted. "As if men were able to think when there's a naked woman in front of them."  
"True," Tuomas said with a small grin. "Father, please. I know it's - it's early but ... we will raise this baby and we will love it. I will love it because it's mine and I love Tarja! I don't even expect you to do something with it -"  
"Pentti!" Kirsti now shouted. "It's our grandchild! You really don't want to see it and hold it?"  
"Sure," Pentti mumbled. "But sweetheart, the money! They will need money and as long as they won't make a world tour with Tarja being pregnant, they will ask us for money all the time!"  
"We make enough money with our band," Tuomas said defiantly.  
Tarja still didn't say a word, all in all she was staring at the future daddy's parents with a pale face.  
"Tarja, are you alright?" Kirsti suddenly asked and all eyes went to her.  
"No!" the girl shouted and stood up. "No, I'm not. I feel hurt, somehow. See, it happened and now it's too late to change something! I'm sorry for what we did but ... we really didn't think much while it happened, sorry. I hope you'll forgive us." And with a sob she quickly rushed upstairs and right into Tuomas' room.  
"Was this because of her mood swings?" The boy asked weakly and his mother nodded.  
"Probably. Go up to her, I'll talk to your Dad."  
Pentti snorted but didn't comment anything as his son walked upstairs.  
He knocked at the door of his room. "Tari?"  
"Go away!"  
Tuomas opened the door. "It's my room," he chuckled but quickly hushed as he saw that Tarja's face was wet and her eyes puffy and red.  
"T-Tari ...?"  
"No one accepts the baby," Tarja sobbed and buried her face in Tuomas' pillow. "No one! My parents don't show it but they also don't! I hate this. No one loves it!"  
"I love it," Tuomas said gently and stepped closer. "I told you already, and I told you again just some minutes ago. Don't be sad, please ..."  
"The money!" Tarja snorted. "You just have to write a few more songs, I'll sing them and we can sell a new album. I'd do everything for my baby."  
"Don't," Tuomas said gently and sat down on the edge of his bed, stroking her head gently. "And I already wrote a song to be honest ... For our child."  
Tarja looked at him again. "Really?"  
"Sure," Tuomas said. "I'll show you later, but now ..." He lay down next to her and embraced her. "Let's cuddle."

So they cuddled.  
Tarja's head lay on Tuomas' chest as she listened to his calm heartbeat. His one hand stroke her hair, his other hand held hers. With her free hand Tarja reached up and placed it on his chest next to her face. She closed her eyes, and with every heartbeat she felt against her skin she thought,  
*I love him ... Love him not ... Love him ... Love him not ...*  
She wanted to love him but she was so scared. What if he left her? He was about to turn 19 the next day what if he just didn't feel ready for a baby? Tarja wouldn't be mad if he left her, she would fully understand it even ... Of course he wasn't ready for a baby. She had practically taken him completely by surprise as she had told him ...  
But there he was and he was kissing the top of her head gently and he whispered "I love you so much" to her with a small hint of sadness in his voice ...  
Tarja looked up to him and Tuomas smiled down. And as Tarja closed her eyes, Tuomas got the hint and he slowly sunk his lips on hers, meeting her lips in a short but loving kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

Tarja woke up before Tuomas. First she thought she was about to vomit but then she noticed that she didn't feel sick at all! Only hungry.  
Tarja sighed as she decided to wait for her man and snuggled against him. She caressed his nose and he smiled in his sleep.  
Boy, he was so cute.  
Tarja's heart swelled at the sight of him. He was so adorable ... That little smile and his cute nose, his beautiful lashes ...  
Tarja snuggled up to him and kissed his shoulder.  
And Tuomas, who was obviously half awake, pulled her closer and sighed happily. If Tarja only knew what he had dreamt:  
She had gotten the baby and Tuomas had proposed to her. Tarja had started crying and agreed.  
Tarja embraced him, stroke his back and kissed his forehead.  
"Love you ..." Tuomas mumbled and Tarja grinned.  
"Happy birthday, Tuo ..."  
This made Tuomas' eyes go open.  
"Beautiful how you're the first one to congratulate me," he yawned and grinned. "Can we stay in bed and make out again?"  
Tarja pecked his lips. "Good?"  
"No," Tuomas muttered and pulled her down, locking their lips again.  
"Tuomas ..." Tarja mumbled and pulled away gently. "Don't. Remember what I told you."  
"Right," Tuomas mumbled but then he grinned at her. "I'm nineteen now. Don't you think it's time for me to grow up? I already got someone pregnant, time for me to change into a Daddy."  
"This is weird," Tarja said with a grimace.  
"Come to Daddy," he said and Tarja laughed.  
"And that's creepy."  
But she hugged him again, placing her head on his chest. For a while she listened to his beating heart, only thinking about him and the baby. It was bound to be perfect, he already looked forward to have the baby! Him accepting the baby, that was everything that Tarja had wished for, and now he loved it like crazy!  
He had showed the song to her the day before, it was simply called Kaarina and it was about a father's love to his child. It was written so beautifully, Tarja had started crying.  
"Do you think my parents will accept Kaarina?" Tarja asked after a while and Tuomas grinned.  
"Her name or what?"  
"The fact she's even there," Tarja replied and Tuomas nodded slowly.  
"I think they already have," he said. "They know I love you and I think they also thought that sooner or later we would create a baby."  
"I doubt they expected it to be sooner," Tarja mumbled.  
"Whatever, now it's too late," Tuomas said and got out of the bed. Tarja watched him undress and found herself admiring his ass. With red cheeks she turned away from him, cursing her hormones. Sometimes she could just kiss him, sometimes she just wanted to slap him and sometimes it was really bad as she thought of straddling him and forcing him to make love to her - after all she had no memories of her first time.  
But she always held back, telling herself that she'd make it even more complicated with that.  
Maybe she should just forget it and give in, maybe he really loved her enough -  
Tarja sat up, eager to jump on him and kissed him, as a wave of nausea hit her.  
"Oh damn," she muttered and ran to the bathroom in only her underwear. She was lucky that no one was there to see her as she puked her soul out of her body. Only Tuomas approached her from behind and wrapped his bathrobe around her.  
"How are you?" he asked gently after she had stopped and she gave him an angry look. Stupid question!  
Tarja stood up and slipped into the bathrobe, rushing back into Tuomas' room without looking at him.  
"Tari -" Tuomas started and went after her, his mouth going dry when she started undressing herself in his room. He quickly shut the door but he wasn't able to shut his eyes. How incredibly beautiful she just was.  
Tarja slipped into her red pullover from the day before, finally looking at him. "Are you okay?"  
Tuomas had to tear his gaze away from the beauty before him and he nodded, his blue eyes staring into her green ones. "Let's go downstairs."

A while later they were skating again. Hand in hand they skated side by side, both of them deep in thoughts.  
While Tarja's thoughts were with how the people around her would react to her baby, her fans, her band mates, her family ..., Tuomas was only thinking about the baby itself. How lucky he was that Tarja was the mother of his child. How lucky he had been the night she had conceived it. How lucky he had been last night as she had kissed him ...  
His hands had trailed lower, carefully touching her breasts. He knew he could hurt her. But Tarja had let him touch her boobs.  
Then he had travelled lower, until his hand had rested between her thighs. That was when she had pulled away.  
"I can't," she had whispered. "I'm sorry."  
"I understand," Tuomas had answered. "Don't stress yourself, Tarja. Do what is good for you and our baby."  
And Tarja had smiled and kissed him again, but this time his hands hadn't left her shoulders.  
"Tuo?" Tarja suddenly brought him back to reality.  
"Yes, angel?"  
Tarja sighed. "When did you intend to tell the guys?"  
"When did you?" Tuomas asked back and Tarja shrugged. "Maybe after the next ultrasonic testing?"  
Tuomas nodded. "When will that be?"  
Tarja was quiet for a moment. "January nineteenth I think," she then said. "Will you come along?"  
"And see my baby practically live?" Tuomas said and turned the young woman to make her look at him. "Of course I will, Tari."

Tuomas would throw a party that night. He had invited Tarja of course who had declined.  
"A bunch of drunken nineteen year old boys?? Ei, kiitos." Tarja shuddered.  
"What if I told you now that I invited Lauri and Eerik and they're bringing Noora and Salli?"  
"No you didn't!" Tarja shouted.  
"Lauri gave us his number and I invited him. According to him, Noora will only come if you're there. That girl likes you." He started laughing madly. "But you're mine," he then added seriously.  
"I know I'm yours," Tarja muttered and Tuomas pressed a small kiss on her lips.  
"Are you coming? I won't force you to drink alcohol." He smiled and Tarja rolled her eyes.  
"That I hope for you!" She smiled back. "I'll come. But Tuo - we're not together."  
"We're not," Tuomas sighed.

"You're not together?!" Noora was obviously surprised. "Did you sleep with each other or didn't you?"  
"We did," Tarja explained. "But ... Noora. He has been my best friend for so many years and he still is ... I doubt this would work out."  
"Why? He loves you." Noora raised a brow.  
"I know," Tarja said and shook her head again as Noora offered her a glass of something alcoholic.  
"What, afraid that you are going to sleep with him again?" Noora asked and Tarja shook her head.  
"I'm afraid my baby will suffer from alcoholism," she said and Noora coughed.  
"WHAT?! YOU'RE -"  
Tarja pressed her hand on Noora's mouth. "You're the first one besides Tuomas and our parents who knows!" she hissed.  
"Damn, girl," Noora said. "Didn't you take the pill?"  
"It was my first time," Tarja said shyly.  
"Ohhh." Noora's eyes wandered to Tarja's belly, which was covered by a black dress. "So it's Tuomas'?"  
"Of course," Tarja answered and her eyes wandered to the slightly drunken boy. She had to smile as she saw him and Emppu playing with the PlayStation - there was nothing funnier than gaming while being drunk. "The big baby's getting a small baby ..."  
Noora suddenly felt the urge to slap the black haired. "And you're not together?? Why??"  
Tarja had to tear her eyes away from Tuomas to look at the angry blonde.  
"Because it would make things more complicated."  
"It would make them easier!" Noora groaned.  
"I don't love him."  
"You so do."  
"I don't."  
"Oh, stop it. Just go to him and tell him."  
Tarja smiled sadly. "What if he leaves me one day? He may love me now but this won't be forever. He will have enough of me soon ..."  
"Tarja!" Noora whispered. The eyes of the younger girl were suddenly full of tears. Noora took her aside, away from nosy stares. "Why should he leave you? No, Tuomas isn't the type of man who leaves his pregnant girlfriend or who leaves her alone with the baby after it's born. Seriously, Tarja - that's not him."  
"Yes, but -"  
"No buts!" Noora said. "I'll get you a glass of cherry juice - it's not alcohol but it looks like wine. After that glass you'll be brave enough to tell him that you love him." Noora winked.  
Tarja declined but Noora got her a glass anyway. "I can't believe you're really going to be a Mommy," she said. "What are you going to do with the baby?"  
"Tuomas wants to keep it," Tarja replied. "And I ... I don't know. I also want to but I don't feel ready ... I am still looking for a place at college, singing in a band that's not very popular yet, ... I don't know what to do with my future."  
"Tuomas wants to keep it??" Noora gushed, followed by a long "Awwwwwww!" that made everyone look at them.  
"Tarja!" Tuomas suddenly screamed and Tarja winced.  
"Yes?!" she screamed back, right into his face. And Tuomas took the glass away from her.  
"Are you - are you crazy?!"  
"That's juice, no red wine," Tarja said coldly. "I'm not stupid, I know I can't drink."  
"Why - are you alcoholic, Tarja?" Enppu asked.  
Tarja rolled her eyes. "I still have to take antibiotics."  
"Oh, okay," Emppu said and continued the race. "Ha! I won, Tuo! Loser!"  
But Tuomas didn't care. "Come with me," he mumbled and took Tarja's hand.  
A few people screamed after them as they left ("Awww" and "Have fun!"), Tuomas pulling her upstairs into his room, where he started kissing her neck.  
"Tuomas, you're drunk," Tarja said and pushed him away.  
"I'm drunk and in love and need for my pregnant wife."  
"I'm not your wife," Tarja chuckled and Tuomas blushed.  
"Woman," he corrected. "I wanted to say woman."  
"Sure," Tarja said and suddenly felt horrible need for him as well. She closed her eyes as his lips met the sensible spot on her throat again. And faster than she had wanted to, he was sucking on her neck, eager to leave a lovebite - which he did.  
Tarja finally let it happen, let his hand slide between her thighs, massinging her through her panties - suddenly she was more aroused than she had ever felt before. Her private parts were basically aching with need and she let Tuomas carry her towards the bed.  
Was it right?  
Well, he was drunk but not as much as he had been the night they had done it ... And this time Tarja wasn't drunk at all.  
Only pregnant.  
She cried out in need again while Tuomas slowly took off her panties, gasping at the sight before him - a beautiful ocean, calling him from the depths of her soul.  
He now knew why he called himself an ocean soul.   
He kissed her thighs, dipped his tongue into the ocean to taste it, heard her cry out and dived into it, his finger massaging the swollen spot which made her lose her mind only a short time after. She held onto the bedsheets, not able to say something, only scream.  
She loved him! Of course she - no. It was only lust.  
Love or not, this feeling was beyong amazing. Tarja couldn't remember experiencing something like this. Who was Tarja?  
She had completely forgotten her name.  
She only knew one name, Tuomas.  
And said Tuomas covered her with him and kissed her deeply - not entering her though. He told her again how much he loved her and Tarja, sweaty and happy, smiled.  
"Do you - want to -?" Tuomas asked shyly and pressed his stiff manhood against her thigh, not able to ask her directly.  
"Not today, ocean soul," she answered him. "Let's wait until you don't drown in the waves of liquor anymore ..."  
Tuomas chuckled again.


	11. Chapter 11

'Week 14  
It's showing. I'm so scared to go outside because now I really look pregnant. I can still hide it but Tuomas says I should stop holding my belly. He says I look even more pregnant when I do that, I think I'm hiding it by doing that.  
... Tuomas.  
He is so, so cute. He worships me with every fibre of his body and I swear, he'd do everything for me. After that night on his birthday I haven't let him touch me again (in an intimate way) and he hasn't tried to. He respects me.  
I never thought he was like that ... Sure, I knew he was quite the romantic softie but that he is also a perfect future Daddy? Never.'  
Tarja smiled at the peacefully slumbering future Daddy. He had just cooked her a meal and then he had laid down to close his eyes a bit - and had fallen asleep immediately.  
'Soon the Nightwish rehearsals will start again and the guys still don't know. I guess I'll tell them after next week, after I've been to the doctor.  
Oh God, I'm so curious to get Kaarina's sex confirmed. I just know she's a girl ... My father's still not happy with the name, but it's my decision, mine and Tuomas'. The morning sickness is about to fade by the way, I haven't been feeling sick for the last week at all. The mood swings are starting, though ... And the hunger attacks. Tuomas has turned into a cook only because of me ... He really deserves a medal for the best - for the best what? Boyfriend? Lover? I think I'll stick with future Daddy.'  
Tarja looked at Tuomas again, her heart swelling. How could she have denied her love for him? She knew she only loved him because of her pregnant hormones and she knew that this feeling would go over as soon as she had given birth, that's why she couldn't just give in ...  
But still she didn't know how to go on - what if she didn't want the baby after it was there? Tuomas could have it ... He loved it so much already, Tarja sometimes thought he didn't really love her, he only loved Kaarina. But then she remembered that he had told her his feelings before she had revealed her pregnancy to him.  
Tarja leaned forward and stroke the young man's cheek. He was so cute ... And he hadn't shaved himself for a week, a light shadow on his face was showing that to her. Why? Did he want to seem more adult to her by letting himself grow a beard?  
Tarja smiled softly. She wanted to remember their night so, so madly. Tuomas' voice had held so much love as he had talked about it, so much love and adoration and lust ...  
Suddenly he opened his eyes, mumbling a soft "Hi ..."  
"Slept well?" Tarja giggled and Tuomas smiled.  
"Too short but seeing your beautiful face is better than sleeping," he said gently and Tarja blushed. And suddenly Tuomas' eyes lit up.  
"Do you want to go to the cinema tonight?" he asked.  
"You and I?" Tarja asked with a doubting look. "Alone?"  
"Yes. I mean, we could take Emppu along, or Toni if you don't want to be alone with me, I don't mind ... But I meant alone yeah. Well, us two and our baby ..."  
Tuomas avoided Tarja's eyes and the young woman understood that of course he wanted to be alone with her - as on a date.  
"Okay," she said and stroke his chin. "By the way, you forgot to shave ..."  
"I wanna have a beard," Tuomas answered, his cheeks pink.  
Tarja laughed. "It's okay, actually I thought so already. So, what do you want to watch tonight? Please no action and no horror movie."  
"I thought about a romantic comedy that you could like," Tuomas muttered, his cheeks only getting redder.  
"Okay, great," Tarja answered and patted his red cheek. "I'm glad you're showing enough respect not to force me into a horror movie."  
"I don't want my baby to get obsessed so it's logic."  
"Which baby?" Tarja asked with a teasing grin and Tuomas genly slapped his big baby's ass.  
"Both of them."

Two hours later they were seated in the back of the cinema, both of them clenching a bag of popcorn. For some reason Tuomas was excited, it was like a date for him:  
Him and Tarja alone in the back, watching a romantic movie ...  
His heart was beating crazily.  
"Is everything okay?" Tarja giggled. "You look like a shocked deer."  
"I'm - I'm a little nervous, actually," Tuomas admitted.  
"Why?" Tarja asked with a smile and Tuomas leaned in, kissing her cheek.  
"Because I've never been on a date with you ..."  
"This is a date?" Tarja asked in fake surprise. "I didn't know -"  
Tuomas quickly pressed his lips on hers. "Hope that's okay?" he mumbled.  
"Mhh, yeah ..." Tarja mumbled back and soon they were busy with kissing.  
One of Tuomas' hands wandered to her neck and cupped it, while his other hand stroke her belly. He could feel it, a small bump covered by a dark blue pullover ... His heart jumped as he felt Tarja sigh gently and then her hands went to his shoulders. She caressed them and finally dared to wrap her arms around his neck. She parted her lips and let the other tongue enter, slowly he caressed hers with his, gently, carefully, ... Tarja sighed again.  
"Tuomas!? Tarja!?"  
The kissing couple broke their kiss as the shocked and amused voice brought them back to reality.  
Jukka and Satu had just entered the room and had seen them on their way to their seats.  
"Damn, you can't tell me now you're not together," Jukka chuckled. "Congratulations, you two."  
"We're not together, sadly," Tuomas said and threw a look at Tarja, who was looking quite embarrassed.  
"Oh, come on," Jukka said with a grin but Satu frowned.  
"Jukka, maybe it's only their first date!"  
"They've already had their first date a while ago," Jukka said with an even wider grin.  
"Jukka, please leave us alone," Tarja begged. "It is our first date after what happened so ... We're not together ... yet."  
Tuomas looked at her again. "Yet?" he asked gently and took her hand.  
"Yet ..." Tarja mumbled and looked at Tuomas shyly, who grinned as if he had just won the jackpot.  
"You're seriously so cute," Satu gushed. "Well then - have fun you two."  
The Finns said goodbye to each other, and once Satu and Jukka had gone to their places, Tuomas pulled Tarja against him. "Come here, Love," he said gently and soon Tarja leaned against him, sighing happily.  
And as the movie started, Tarja took his hand and they didn't let go of each other's hands for the whole movie.

They decided to walk home and talk about the previous seen movie.  
"It was romantic," Tarja decided. "But in my opinion ... No matter which movie I see or which book I read, no one is as romantic as you are."  
Tuomas took her hand. "You know what's funny?" he said carefully. "They decided to stay together when Rachel got pregnant. And it worked ..."  
"You think that's a sign?" Tarja asked and Tuomas shrugged.  
"Maybe? I don't know ... I mean, we weren't together as I got you pregnant ... But maybe we should ... try?"  
"We should try," Tarja agreed. "It's only logic. And I owe you but - let me overthink it once more, okay? The night after your birthday was ... magical ..." Tarja blushed, glad that it was dark, "but it happened so all of a sudden and I had no time to think about if I wanted it or if I didn't ..."  
"You wanted it, believe me," Tuomas mumbled. "Just as you wanted me ... the other night."  
Tarja closed her eyes. "Let's change the subject," she begged. She'd tell him when she was ready. "I have an appointment next week - do you still want to come with me?"  
"More than anything," Tuomas answered, suddenly excited. "Are you going to ask the doctor about the sex?"  
"Yep," Tarja answered and rubbed her small belly. "It's still a Kaarina for me."  
"What if it's a boy?"  
Tarja shrugged. "We'll see."  
They walked on in silence until Tuomas spoke again. "When will you tell the guys?"  
"Soon," Tarja sighed. "And after that I have to make it public ..."  
A wave of sadness washed over her and made her look at the street. The whole country would know about how unwanted this baby was ... After all she couldn't simply pretend as if she and Tuomas had planned this with their young ages, right? No one would believe them ...  
"What are you thinking about?" Tuomas asked gently and squeezed her hand.  
"About ... us. And the baby. About the future ..." Tarja sighed as they suddenly they passed the café where Tove was working at and she felt how hungry she was. "Can we eat something?"  
Tuomas laughed and pulled her inside.  
Tove greeted them happily and after she had led them to a table and Tuomas had ordered a cup of cocoa, he announced that he had to go to the toilet.  
"Are you two together?" Tove asked and Tarja blushed.  
"We are ..." she said. "For a few weeks now ..."  
"My God, you're so cute together! To be honest, I always thought that." Tove was honestly happy. "It's not public yet, am I right?"  
Tarja nodded. "We're still waiting for the right time to announce those news," she said and started smiling as she saw Tuomas coming back.  
"My God, you're so in love," Tove said and winked at Tarja, before she turned to Tuomas. "Congrats," she said and winked at him as well.  
"Eh - thanks?" Tuomas said with a confused face and stared after Tove as she went back to the kitchen.  
Then he sat down. "Does she know you're -?!"  
"No, not at all," Tarja said. "I don't know why she said that, maybe she thinks we're together?" Tarja smiled at him. She cursed herself for lying but it made him happy ... His face was so happy ...  
He took her hands. "I'll give you as much time as you need," he promised again. "And I'll be here for you until you don't want me anymore."  
Tarja's heart ached. She knew she would want him forever - but as a best friend or a boyfriend? A husband?  
"Were you sad that Rachel and Henry didn't marry?"  
"Huh?" Tuomas first made until he understood that she was talking about the movie. "I think they did after the baby was born. Not immediately after the birth, about a year after? When the baby was old enough not to cry all the time and -"  
"Do you think -"  
"Hm?"  
Tarja blushed. "Nothing."  
"Tari ..." Tuomas said gently. "Just tell me."  
"Do you think we should marry one day?" Tarja whispered and Tuomas smiled.  
"If it will be because of the baby, then no," he said.   
"But you said that maybe it's a sign that Rachel and Henry stayed together as they got pregnant. And if they married, didn't they also marry because of the baby?"  
"If they married, they did it because they loved each other," Tuomas said. "And if we're going to marry, there will be only one person in this relationship who will love the other blindly and mindlessly and nonsensically ..."  
Tarja had tears in her eyes. "Tuomas, I do love you," she whispered and Tuomas took a deep breath.  
"Not the way I love you," he said sadly. "If you ever want to marry me only because we already made a baby, I'll have to say no."  
"Okay," Tarja said and took her hands from his. "Sorry if you don't believe me. Maybe I should go then."  
"Tari, no!" Tuomas called as she stood up. But Tarja turned around and rushed out of the café, ignoring the eyes on her.  
Tuomas crashed a five Euro note on the table and ran after her, just as Tove came out of the kitchen, carrying Tuomas' cocoa on a tray.

"Tarja, don't run! The baby!"  
Tarja ignored his words and continued running while she clenched her belly. But Tuomas was faster anyway, even with his lack of fitness.  
He circled his arms around her and held her tight enough to not let her run away.  
"I believe you," he whispered and stroke her hair while Tarja sobbed into his shirt. "I believe you, my Love ..."  
He lied - he knew that she didn't love him. It was the baby which made her feel love - but the love wasn't felt for him. It was love she felt for only the baby.


	12. Chapter 12

For a whole week they avoided the topic pregnancy and marriage. They acted like they had acted before everything had gotten complicated, so they just acted like best friends again, no mention of a relationship or something else. They didn't kiss, they didn't cuddle, they didn't even sleep in the same bed.  
They thought the most complicated thing they would have had to handle was behind them, long forgotten in a few months ...  
But then everything got even more complicated.  
It was Friday and the young parents were on their way to Dr Laukkanen, both of them shaking madly. Marjatta had agreed to drive them and somehow Kirsti had decided to go with them as well as Tarja and her mother had picked up Tuomas.  
Now the two women were sitting in the front of the car and the teens in the back - all four of them completely quiet.  
No one said a single word.  
Tarja only stared at the profile of her former piano teacher, wondering if she already accepted her pregnancy. She still didn't look happy but every time she looked at Tarja, she smiled slightly. As if she was happy that her son had impregnated her, not another girl, one of those it-girls for example.  
Tarja's cheeks started glowing as she immediately thought of Elvi in anger, one of those girls at school who had always thought she was better than Tarja. No, Tuomas wouldn't even touch Elvi with pincers.  
"What are you thinking about?" Tuomas asked gently, breaking the silence in the car. Kirsti turned around and looked at them.  
"Kaarina," Tarja mumbled and placed her hand on her belly.  
Tuomas did the same, placing his hand over hers. "She's okay. I promise. I mean look at yourself, you're fine too." He looked at his mother. "She'll be fine, right?"  
"Only because Tarja is fine it doesn't necessarily mean that the baby is fine as well," Kirsti replied and Tarja went pale. But Kirsti went on. "When I was pregnant with Sussu I was suffering from nausea, I fainted all the time and I had water in my feet, so much that I couldn't even walk anymore. Oh, and Sussu laid strangely, her feet punched into my bladder all the time. I suffered madly, but Susanna was healthy. But it could be the other way around as well, for example with Tuomas. The pregnancy with him was unproblematic, but then he had problems with breathing as a baby."  
"Tarja is in the beginning of her pregnancy," Marjatta suddenly chipped in. "No one suffers in the beginning. The problems will occur, at latest in her eighth month. I couldn't sit anymore and also lying on my back hurt, I had to walk all day long when I was pregnant with Tari here. And in the evening my belly was hard and it hurt. That was awful. And same with Toni, I didn't even suffer from nausea. And? What happened? I needed a c-section."  
"Ladies, could you please stop?" Tuomas suddenly shouted. "Tarja already thought about jumping out of the car and running into the next lorry."  
"Not true," Tarja croaked. "Go on, I wanna hear your stories. They calm me down."  
Tuomas rolled his eyes. She looked everything else but calm. He rather thought she looked like she was about to vomit as her mother talked about her c-section. And when Kirsti started talking about giving birth to her eldest son, Petri, he thought she was about to pass out.  
"I had contractions for more than a day," she remembered and Tarja groaned. "Pentti wrote down the times when they occurred, I still have the sheet somewhere. I was crying, I wanted to die. He says that, I can't remember it." Kirsti shrugged. "The birth itself lasted for - hm - ten hours?"  
Tarja whimpered.  
"I swore myself not to get pregnant again, but well. Now I'm glad I did."  
"Timo's pregnancy was unproblematic and so was his birth," Marjatta said and just as Tarja was about to calm down, she went on. "The first months were awful though. He screamed all night without stopping for a single minute. I didn't sleep for three months. And he didn't want to get breast fed, so I had to pump the milk -"  
"Okay, I don't wanna hear that," Tarja suddenly said.  
"Why, what if it's the same with you? You have no idea how much breasts filled with milk can hurt."  
"And I don't want to know it," Tarja said with a shudder. She didn't mention how sore her breasts felt already. "Thank you for telling me horror stories of your pregnancies but I'd like to write my own story, okay?"  
"Okay," the elder women replied with a chuckle.  
"Well it's your own fault," Marjatta suddenly said and Tarja glared at her.  
"It's true," Kirsti said. "You didn't use protection, just as if you were two uneducated dummies. Now feel the pain."  
"But why should I alone feel the pain!?" Tarja yelled. "Why didn't Tuomas get pregnant?! I wasn't the one who was starting this."  
"Actually, you started it," Tuomas said with a sulking face.  
"Yeah, but who was too drunk to take care? Me. Who should have taken care? You!" Tarja was angry. She couldn't even remember their night and she had to suffer for it? That was unfair!  
"And who was too drunk to tell the truth about that she wasn't taking the pill? You." Tuomas said. "And who was too much in love with you to decline your wish? Me! So don't make me alone responsible for this."  
"It was my first time!" Tarja hissed. "No one takes the pill before they consider to have intercourse."  
"And how could I have known that I was about to deflower you??" Tuomas asked and the mothers changed a quick and amused look. They had completely forgotten about them.  
"You could have asked me for example," Tarja said and crossed her arms.  
"Oh, you mean like, 'By the way, is this going to be your first time?' What would you have said?"  
"Like that, yeah. Then I would have said yes. Or you could have told me that it was your first time as well or something like that."  
"It wasn't," Tuomas answered and Tarja's heart sunk.  
"Okay ..." she whispered and Marjatta bit her lip. Uh-oh ...  
She knew her daughter and this wasn't good ...  
Kirsti noticed the change of mood as well, only Tuomas didn't.  
"And why didn't you just tell me?"  
Tarja didn't answer. Of course it hadn't been his first time! But who could have been his first? It was killing Tarja. She should have been!  
"Tarja, why -?" Tuomas started again, as Marjatta announced their arrival loudly.  
"We're there!" she yelled and everyone got out of the car, relieved.  
While walking towards the building, Tuomas watched Tarja. She looked quite unhappy and she was clenching her belly as if she was in pain.  
"Are you in pain?" Tuomas asked gently and Tarja snored.  
"Yes but not because of the baby."  
This made Tuomas shut up. Had he done something wrong?  
Tarja didn't talk to him the whole drive in the elevator, and for some reason his and Tarja's mother were just as quiet.  
But then they arrived at the third floor and walked to Dr Laukkanen's practice.  
Dr Maarta Laukkanen was a likeable older lady with grey hair and a soft face. She greeted the young parents to be and their mothers and asked them to sit down until she was done with another patient - a thirty year old woman in her ninth month. Tarja grew pale once again as the woman walked outside, her stomach as big as if she had swallowed a gymnastic ball.  
"I can't wait to squeeze it out of me," she commented and threw a look at the doctor. "It's way too big already."  
"It is, it could be time every minute," dr Laukkanen said and shook the woman's hand. "See you, Liina."  
Liina went outside and Dr Laukkanen asked Tarja and Tuomas to enter.  
"Well, the closer you'll get to the date of birth, the happier you'll be when it's finally time," the doctor chuckled and pointed at the chair. Tarja sat down and the doctor turned to Tuomas. "So you're the father, I guess?"  
"Yes, doctor. Tuomas Holopainen," Tuomas said quietly. Tarja was taking off her shirt and Tuomas avoided looking at her.  
Dr Laukkanen just nodded - she knew how unwanted her pregnancy had come. She had been too relieved when Tarja had cancelled the abortion.  
"Alright, then," she said as she put on her gloves and put ultrasound gel on Tarja's stomach, Tarja breathing in. "Any problems so far?"  
"Not really, besides the fact I could sleep all day long. And I have to pee all the time. And the mood swings - ugh."  
"So the basic stuff." Dr Laukkanen nodded and focused on the screen. "Hm. Your belly is pretty big for the fifteenth week, by the way."  
"I know, it's awful," Tarja groaned.  
Tuomas tried to figure out where his baby was but he couldn't recognise anything.  
"Morning sickness?" the doctor asked.  
"Yes, sometimes. Doctor ... is the sex visible?"  
"It is but -" Dr Laukkanen suddenly turned to the young girl, a worried look on her face. "Do you still have the pictures from the last check up?"  
"Yes, but at home," Tarja said panicking. "Why? Is something wrong??"  
"Not wrong but -"  
"I have a picture in my wallet outside," Tuomas suddenly said and the women looked at him.  
Tarja's heart swelled when he said that.  
"Could I see it?" Dr Laukkanen asked and Tuomas stood up and walked outside and into the waiting room to get his wallet. He ignored his mother, who asked him if everything was okay, and went back, closing the door behind him. He opened his wallet and gave the picture to the doctor, who squinted her eyes.  
"Oh no," she said and Tarja went pale.  
"What?" she whispered and Dr Laukkanen gave the picture back to Tuomas.  
"It wasn't visible the last time," she said and pointed at the little monitor. "Here you see one baby, a girl ..." Tarja smiled widely, but Tuomas frowned.  
"And ...?"  
Dr Laukkanen moved the device and the picture changed. "And here," she said, "there's the second baby."

It was completely quiet for a while, neither Tarja nor Tuomas said a word. The shocks sat deep in their bones and not even the doctor dared to say something.  
Instead she wiped off the gel and printed the pictures out, four in general. Tuomas took them and looked at them.  
And finally Tarja found her voice again. "Twins?" she whispered.  
"Yes, congratulations!" Dr Laukkanen beamed.  
"How?" Tarja asked. She was desperate. "No! I don't want that ...! I - I can't even raise a single baby, oh my God! How is that possible?!"  
She started sobbing and Tuomas hugged her. He was too overwhelmed.  
"Why didn't you see that before?" he asked quietly.  
"The other baby must have hidden, it did again today," Dr Laukkanen said. "The sex wasn't visible to me, only from the first one."  
"I can't raise two babies!" Tarja sobbed again and Tuomas stroke her head.  
"We'll all help you," he promised. "Me, my mum, your mum. Also Susanna can't wait for the baby by the way - babies, I mean ..."  
"How?" Tarja asked again. "We only ... it was our first and only time."  
"Well, that's really complicated, but what I could see is that they are identical, means they once were one egg which parted into two eggs in your uterus. And both of them got fertilised. Or the egg got fertilised and then parted - in this case they would have the same sex. Both is possible."  
"Why?" Tarja asked again. "How?" She couldn't and didn't want to understand. "It was our first and last time ... How?"  
Tuomas in the meantime was blessed. TWO BABIES. Two!  
One for him and one for Tarja ... Two perfect babies, created by him and the love of his life. Suddenly he was crying as well and Dr Laukkanen looked at the two crying teenagers helplessly, until she got up and opened the door.  
"Mrs Turunen and Mrs Holopainen I think?" she said and the women nodded. The doctor sighed. "Could you please come inside? We have a little drama here ..."  
She had never seen someone react so fast as the two grandmothers to be did.


	13. Chapter 13

"I should have aborted it!" Tarja raged. "Them. I should have aborted them when I hadn't told anyone yet! Would have been way easier!"  
"Calm down!" Marjatta bellowed. "One day you'll be happy you decided against abortion."  
"One day?" Tarja shrieked. "When - in forty years?? I can't believe it ... Twins!" She glared at Tuomas as if it was his fault. "How could you fertilise both my eggs??"  
"As if I did that on purpose!" Tuomas said and threw up his arms. "How could your eggs part??"  
"I have no idea!" Tarja shouted. "But - gaaah! Everything you do must be something special, right??"  
"What does -!?" Tuomas was shocked. "Tarja, I didn't even plan to get you pregnant and even less I planned to give you twins!"  
"Twins!" Kirsti suddenly shouted. "Twins, Tarja! It's a little miracle!"  
Tarja sat down on the couch. "Twins." she groaned. "What shall we do?"  
Tuomas knelt down next to her as she buried her face in her hands. "Maybe ... we could give one away ... or both if you want to."  
No one said a word as Tuomas offered something he didn't want to do, not at all. He had always wanted this baby and now he wanted both.  
"Give them away?" Tarja sniffed and looked at Tuomas. "You'd let me give them away?"  
"I'd do everything for you," Tuomas said quietly and Tarja wiped her eyes.  
"I don't know ... maybe we should give both of them away," she said quietly. "Maybe we should," Tuomas said sadly, knowing that, if she would really give both away, there was no reason for her to stay with him. But maybe this was better for her than suffering from being with someone she didn't love. For her it would be the best. But suddenly Marjatta said something ...  
"Well, you should decide quickly, Tarja. I want you to move out before the babies come."  
"What?!" Tarja shouted. "You're throwing me out??"  
"Yes, but not because I'm ashamed or something, no. Not at all. I simply don't want to be in the same house as the babies - I can already hear you asking me to feed them, asking me to look after them, asking me to go on walks with them ... I want you to take care on your own, and therefore you need an own apartment."  
Kirsti nodded. "I talked to Petri, since he still hasn't sold his old apartment. It's close to the centre of Kitee, which would be the best for you two and Petri agreed to give it to you. He didn't believe me when I told him you'd be a Daddy."  
"You think we ... we should move together?" Tuomas asked and the blonde women changed a look.  
"Well -" Marjatta started.  
"Yes," Kirsti said and both women nodded.  
"You - you can't let us live alone with two babies!" Tarja shouted.  
"We can," Marjatta said sternly. "It was your own fault, now live with it."  
While Tarja was angry, Tuomas was blessed. He'd live with his Tarja ... He would move into an apartment with the love of his life and their babies ... or baby, if she decided to give one of them away. And if she really wanted to give both ...?  
Tuomas hoped she decided against this option.   
"Two babies," Tarja groaned. "And we can bear with them on our own. Great. Really too great."  
"We'll move together, Tari!" Tuomas said happily, trying to cheer her up. "Us two and our babies ... Like a family!"  
He had no idea how desperate she was but he sensed as she started crying.  
He sat down next to Tarja and embraced the crying girl. "Shh ... Tari, please ... Don't cry ... it's not bad. Shh ..."  
"What's going on here?" a sudden voice said and Teuvo entered the Turunen's living room. "What's up with Tarja?"  
Kirsti and Marjatta exchanged a look. "Do you want a coffee, Kirsti?" Marjatta suddenly asked and Tuomas' mother nodded.  
"That'd be nice, yes!"  
Together they left the living room.  
"Tarja, what's wrong?" Tarja's father asked. "Is the baby okay?"  
"It's worse," Tarja groaned and buried her face in her hands.  
"Tarja, tell him," Tuomas mumbled.  
Tarja sighed and looked up. "The babies are alright. They're healthy."  
"They ... are?" Teuvo said and squinted his eyes at his daughter. Then he laughed. "Don't tell me you're getting twins!"  
No one answered him, but Tarja let herself fall back on the couch.  
Teuvo laughed.   
"Twins ... that's -" and then his laugh faded. "That'll be a lot of work."  
"I won't keep them," Tarja sulked. "I'll give away one. Or both. One of them is going to be a girl - Tuo, what if we keep Kaarina and give the other baby away?"  
"You can't do that," Teuvo said. "Tarja, you can't give one baby away and keep the other. You'll hate yourself forever if you do this. Kaarina will be angry if she ever finds out. Keep both or keep none."  
Tarja and her father stated at each other for a while and then Tarja sighed.  
"Fine. I've decided. Tuomas - I'll keep none."  
But no one answered for a while and as she looked up, Tuomas was gone.

He had lit a cigarette and was now smoking it in front of the house with shaking hands. He had left after Tarja had decided to give both babies away. He buried his face in one hand as he started crying. How could she do that to him? He had looked so forward already. He had always wanted a family, especially with her, but she ... Why didn't she let him decide as well? He was the father!  
He smoked the cigarette, deep in thoughts. Maybe ... Maybe he needed to woo her. Take her out, buy her things ... He hadn't tried that yet, well, if cinema and the Christmas present didn't count.  
Tuomas threw the cigarette into the snow and pulled out his phone, dialling his sister's number. Susanna would know where he could take the love of his life ...

Tarja found him outside. She sighed and wrapped the scarf around her throat, approaching him carefully. "Tuo ...?"  
Tuomas threw his third cigarette into the snow. "Yeah?"  
Tarja sighed and stepped closer. "Tuo - I'm sorry. I can't raise two babies. This is too much and my father is right, I can't give one away and keep the other."  
"Why didn't you ask me?" Tuomas asked.  
"What?"  
Tuomas didn't answer, with a stern face he stared into the snow.  
"Why I didn't ask you concerning giving them away?" Tarja sighed. "I'm sorry but I just feel as if it was my decision. They're in my body, they're eating what I eat and they'll destroy my body, not yours."  
"Destroy?" Tuomas asked, still not looking at her.  
"Well I'll get fat and the birth ... Gosh. My mum already prepared me."  
"You'll look beautiful," Tuomas mumbled. "But besides that - I didn't mean that. Tarja, why didn't you ask me to take the babies?"  
"You!?" Tarja gasped. "You'd adopt them?!"  
Tuomas clenched his fists. "I - I love you, Tarja, and I love the babies," he pressed out. "And I want these babies. You don't but I do. I'm sorry for what I did to you but I'm willing to take them."  
"Alone?" Tarja asked quietly.  
"In the beginning I hoped not to be alone," Tuomas said sadly. "But now ..."  
"You can't raise twins alone," Tarja said.  
"I'm sure my mum and Susanna will help me," Tuomas shrugged. "And maybe I'll find a woman one day who'll accept the fact I already have two kids ..."  
Tarja didn't reply. She couldn't talk. She was so, so shocked. She couldn't believe what he had said.  
"Okay," she finally whispered. "I also think they'll help you."  
And without looking back she turned around and walked inside the house again, tears streaming down her face.  
And Tuomas felt the sudden urge to scream, throw something, hurt himself for his stupidness ...  
Instead he sunk into the snow, rubbing his temples. Tarja was right, he couldn't raise twins alone. But she hadn't offered her help - of course.

Tarja was shocked. Tuomas ... How could he have said something like this? He didn't mean it. He couldn't. He just didn't want her to give the babies to someone foreign. Maybe they could start looking for someone now and then they could get to meet them and maybe they were nice and perfect and ...  
Tarja didn't want to give the babies to someone ...  
She rubbed her little bump and shook her head. She had to. Two babies. She would kill herself one day, she hadn't even felt ready to raise one baby!  
She had to ...  
"Mum?" she called. "I need the computer!"  
And only a few minutes later she was dialling the number of a baby wish institute, the one that Dr Laukkanen had recommended to her after Tarja's first appointment with ultrasound. She had told her she didn't want to keep it, so the doctor had told her to give it to a woman who really wanted a baby ... And now it was time.  
Tarja took a deep breath.  
"Hello, Turunen here. My gynaecologist Dr Laukkanen told me about you ... I'm pregnant but I can't keep the babies ... It's going to be twins." Tarja let out a short laugh. "So ... Could I have an appointment? I'm sure you're going to find some beautiful families for the twins ... Or one family. But I really can't keep them ..."  
Tuomas had just entered the living room as he heard her speaking on the telephone.  
And his heart broke.


	14. Chapter 14

"Welcome at Babywish," Tarja muttered. "Eh. Sounds like Nightwish."  
Tuomas threw a gaze at her. "There's a difference though," he said. "Nightwish is something I can have."  
"Oh, shut up," Tarja hissed.  
Their relationship had grown worse and worse and soon they spent their days hissing at each other, which only confirmed Tarja's decision to give away the twins. Tuomas was desperate but he had given up already. He didn't hiss at Tarja on purpose, but his desperateness made him unable to think. He just wanted their babies.  
"Let's go in," Tarja sighed and pulled the unwilling young man inside.  
What if someone knew them?  
No one did, at least no one showed recognition and for the first time Tuomas was happy that they weren't that known yet. "I had a phone call with Mrs Nissilä," Tarja now said to a blonde woman, who had asked her if she could help them. Tuomas just hadn't paid attention, his eyes wandered around the pink and light blue decorations ... He was sure he would vomit soon.  
"Tuomas? Are you coming?"  
"Huh -? Oh, yeah," Tuomas sighed and followed Tarja into a white room.

The woman whom Tarja had talked to was called Ritva Nissilä and she immediately smiled at the young parents warmly. "Call me Ritva," she said and pointed at the little couch. "And you are Tarja, right?"  
"Right, Tarja said and they sat down. "And this is Tuomas. The father."  
"Want some coffee, Tuomas?" Ritva asked but Tuomas shook his head. "Tarja? Water? Tea?"  
"No, it's alright, thank you," Tarja muttered and Ritva nodded.  
"So you're getting twins ..."  
"Yeah," Tarja sighed. "First I thought there was only one and I didn't even think of giving it away ... I even looked forward to it ..." She blushed a little as she admitted a fact she had never told anyone so far. Tuomas looked at her in surprise but he kept quiet. "But then I found out that there are two ... And even though Tuomas offered his help and so did his and mine parents ... you know, I can't raise two babies. Two! I didn't even want one baby!"  
Ritva nodded. "I already wanted to ask you if you two planned to have a baby but now I think that question is unnecessary."  
"Very," Tarja sighed. "We didn't plan it. We aren't even together."  
"Oh," Ritva said and turned to Tuomas. "Therefore I have to thank you for accompanying Tarja today, even though you aren't her boyfriend and thus not in charge of this all."  
"I am in charge." Tuomas said grumpily. "I'm the father, aren't I?"  
"Tuomas ..." Tarja mumbled.  
"No, go on," Ritva said. "What do you say about this?"  
"What do I say ..." Tuomas said and looked up to the ceiling. "I'm telling this stubborn woman everyday how much I love her and the babies, I used to beg not to give the babies away but she keeps on being fucking stubborn. I'm here now because I love her and she's my best friend and I want the best for my babies."  
"So if we found a family for them -" Ritva started and Tuomas nodded.  
"I just want to know if the babies will be safe and happy. I want to meet the future parents and I want to be able to decide if they are the right choice. I know I'm only the genitor of the babies and those usually don't have to say anything but I want to. Ritva, I love this woman more than anything ..." Now he looked at Tarja. "And I won't say anything against your choice as well. But I want to meet the future parents."  
Tarja took Tuomas' hands, nodding. "Is that possible?" she asked and Ritva nodded.  
"Sure. So, now I have an impression of you two, which will help me to find the perfect parents for your your babies. Tarja, I'll give you a call once I've found them, okay?"  
"You won't find better parents than the ones sitting opposite of you," Tuomas mumbled but whether Ritva nor Tarja commented on this.

Later they were sitting in the car on their way home. The ride was quiet, no one bothered to switch on the stereo, which was unusual to both of them.  
Tuomas drove directly to Emppu's house, where they wanted to meet for their first official band meeting of the new year. They were the last to arrive, and when the other guys saw their faces, they immediately sensed that they had fought.  
"Want some chips, Tarja?" Emppu offered and Tarja grabbed the bag, reached inside and stuffed a whole hand full of chips into her mouth.  
"Okay ... Let the meeting begin," Jukka, who had waited for Tuomas to speak up, started. "We haven't reached a lot in the last year besides a few gigs at the Karhu bar but that's a start I'd say. At least Kitee loves us!" He grinned into the round and his gaze stopped at Tuomas, whose face was dark. Tarja was still munching chips, her face not less dark than Tuomas'.  
"Eh," Jukka continued, "I think we should ask for gigs in different towns as well. Every town has a bar and if we just ask around we'll gain more fans. Tarja's voice is beyond enchanting and our instruments are quite good, maybe we can get even better ones after we mastered some gigs. I asked my cousin, who lives in Espoo, if there are many symphonic metal bands playing in bars and she said yes. She promised me to ask around their bars and call me as soon as she found a bar where we can play. So, as you see I was more productive than all of you."  
While Sami and Emppu cheered, Tuomas' face went darker and finally he clearer his throat.  
"We should take a break," he said and Sami and Emppu stopped cheering.  
"What?!" Emppu.  
"We can't take a break after one year!" Jukka.  
"Have you lost your mind?" Sami.  
"He's right." Tarja. Everyone stared at her.  
"And ... for how long?" Jukka asked. "Three months?"  
"Well ... Nine months definitely. And then ... What do you say, two more months? I have to get fit after the birth ..." Tarja looked at Tuomas.  
"A year is a good amount of time," Tuomas decided. "You can squeeze them out and give them away, then let's go on in the new year."  
"Okay," Tarja said and looked back at the guys, who looked at her with their eyes and mouths open.  
"What?"  
"You're pregnant," Sami said. He was the one to get his voice back.  
"Yes," Tarja said and Emppu fell back.   
"That explains everything."  
"Who's the father?" Jukka asked and everyone's eyes went to Tuomas.  
"Me," he said quietly and the guys exchanged a quick look.  
"Okay," Emppu said and added, "Squeeze them out?"  
"She'll get twins," Tuomas said and the guys gasped.  
"We'll get twins," Tarja mumbled and Tuomas glared at her.  
"No one of us will get them."  
"Exactly." Tarja glared back.  
They glared at each other, until Jukka cleared his throat. "Are they identical?"  
"Yes," Tarja answered. "Two girls."  
"Are you sure the second one is a girl as well?" Tuomas asked and Tarja shrugged.  
"If they're identical and the one's a girl -"  
"Do you have names yet?" Sami asked.  
"We liked Kaarina. As we thought there was only one baby." Tarja bit her lip. "Now it doesn't matter. We'll give them away. We've been to Babywish."  
After a quick share of laughter between the guys because of Babywish, they looked at Tuomas. Jukka knew his friend and he could see right through his mask.  
He didn't want to give the babies away.  
He loved Tarja.  
He loved the babies, their babies ...  
Jukka shook his head. What a mess ...

Later they went out to smoke a cigarette. Tuomas was sadder and quieter as usual, and even though Jukka was used to a quiet and deep in thoughts Tuomas - this time it was different.  
"Why does she do that to you, even though she knows that you love her?" he asked and Tuomas shook his head. "I mean, sure you can't raise two kids with your young age but - oh, Tuo ..." He took a long drag of his cigarette while Tuomas buried his face in his hands.  
Jukka never knew what to do when Tuomas cried. Tuomas was so emotional ...  
"I - I know this is hard ..."  
"What would you do if Satu told you she's pregnant?" Tuomas whispered and wiped his eyes.  
"I would ..." Jukka thought a little. "I would curse because we're only nineteen. But then I'd be happy, cause I love her ..."  
"Exactly how I reacted," Tuomas sobbed. "And if she told you you'd get twins?"  
"I'd be shocked but happy ..." Jukka took another drag. "I would know that this was going to be hard but I'd know that in the future -"  
"It still would be exhausting," Tuomas laughed a little. "I should be happy that she doesn't want them. I'm just a little sad that I wasn't allowed to decide too."  
"Well, it's her body that'll get destroyed after all," Jukka said.  
"She said the same, what does this mean?" Tuomas asked and Jukka shrugged.  
"Well think of it, how fat she's now -"  
"HEY!" Tuomas barked. "Don't call her fat."  
"But look how broad she already got -"  
"Jukka, I'll kill you," Tuomas growled and clenched his fists. "Don't call her fat again."  
"Okay, okay," Jukka chuckled.

Meanwhile Tarja had pulled up her pullover and now Sami and Emppu were touching her belly. While Sami still didn't seem too happy about her pregnancy, Emppu was blessed. He couldn't believe that his best friends were going to have a baby (two even!) and he couldn't stop touching her swollen belly, talking about how gorgeous she'd look once she was about to explode.  
Right now though, Tarja looked rather green.  
"A pity you won't keep them," Emppu said as Tarja pulled her pullover down again. "I'd gladly play babysitter and I bet Sami and Jukka would help me. We could take care of them when you need your peace and while you and Tuo would go to the cinema, we would play with them and stuff."  
"Yes, play the drums, bass and electric guitar to them," Sami commented dryly and Emppu nodded excitedly.  
"They'd be the most metal babies all around Kitee! Oh please, we have to do this! And once they're old enough they could join us! And - and -!" Emppu had to inhale, "They'd be so talented! They'd play the piano and sing like angels!" He jumped up and down. "Then I really want to know how your babies will look ... They must be gorgeous! Oh Tarja! Tarja!" Emppu was still jumping. "Don't give them away, they will be too amazing to give them to strangers."  
"I agree," Sami said and Tarja smiled lightly.  
"You only see the good things," she said gently. "Babies are cute and once they're older, they'll be talented and stuff. You see them as if they were dolls, as if they were going to sit there and listen to us playing. But guys - it will not be like that. This will be hard work, we won't be able to play to them for sure. They'll scream and cry and they need to get fed too often and they need to get carried around, they need to get understood when they cry. Are they hungry? Are they tired? Are they having any ache?"  
"You only see the bad things," Emppu said with a pout.  
"We will help you as much as we can," Sami promised. "But in the end it's your decision what to do. But I think you should let Tuomas decide as well ..."  
"We'll see," Tarja said and patted her bump. "I'm hungry."  
Emppy jumped up. "I'll prepare something. What aren't you allowed to eat?"  
That moment Tuomas and Jukka entered, a cloud of cigarette smoke around them. Tarja stood up and left the living room, close to vomiting.  
"We're going to drive!" Tuomas shouted after her and Tarja choked.  
"I'm not going to drive with a cigarette stub," Tarja sulked and Tuomas sighed.  
"Emppu, I need a deodorant."

"I'll quit," Tuomas promised five minutes later. "Okay?"  
"You'd do that for me?" Tarja mumbled and Tuomas nodded, starting the car.  
"And after all this time she still doesn't know how much I'd do for her," he whispered.


	15. Chapter 15

The expecting teens moved into the apartment only one week later.  
Everyone had helped them moving, Emppu, Sami, Jukka, Susanna, Kirsti and Marjatta.  
While Tarja did everything possible to ignore her and Tuomas' mothers, both of them ignored the girl's behaviour. They called it hormones and talked to her as normal as always.  
"I'm going to put this here. I know you won't like it here but since you don't tell me where you want it ..." Marjatta said everytime she carried something into the flat.  
Tarja groaned everytime. "Jukka, could you please take this flying pot with the plant and put it next to the couch?"  
"Kindergarten," Jukka mumbled as he took the plant from Marjatta. "Sorry, Mrs Turunen."  
"It's okay, it's not your fault," Marjatta chuckled in reply. "Kirsti, I think we aren't wanted here. Let's drink a coffee."  
"God idea. See you!" Kirsti shouted and within seconds the elder women had vanished.  
"Why don't you talk to them?" Emppu asked after the door went close.  
"Because they just threw us out!" Tarja raged. "They only said bye and now Tuomas and I have to live on our own. I mean, I'm going to give the babies away anyway but until they're here we'll be alone. What if my water suddenly breaks?"  
"Then I'll drive you to the hospital," Tuomas replied calmly. "Why do you think we're helpless? Hey, look. We have a successful band, we aren't helpless. We can do a lot if we want to. We made twins ... I think we can do everything."  
Tarja sighed. "Maybe. Well at least they promised us to help."  
"They did," Tuomas said and kissed Tarja's temple. "Let's go on."  
The guys shared a look.

Their first night in their apartment was horrible.  
It started fine, first, they cuddled themselves into the blanket and said good night to each other.  
But Tarja couldn't sleep.  
Why was Tuomas snoring?! He had never been snoring before.  
"Tuomas!" she called and slapped his arm.  
"Yikes! Tarja! You crazy?!"  
"Fucking stop snoring, okay?" Tarja hissed and Tuomas didn't dare to go back to sleep.  
And even though Tuomas was quiet now, Tarja still couldn't sleep.  
"It's so hot," she complained.  
"It's because you're lying next to me," he said and Tarja glared at him.  
"Asshole," she mumbled while she walked over to the window.  
"Don't open, crazy woman, it's January!" Tuomas groaned but Tarja opened anyway.  
"I'm hot," Tarja complained.  
"I know you are and I agree but please shut the window," Tuomas begged.  
Tarja sighed and shut the window again.

She couldn't sleep. Tuomas had stopped snoring but Tarja had the feeling that her babies were awake. First, she had to pee every ten minutes. Second, they were moving. One of them had a hiccup. And suddenly, around two in the morning ...  
"Ouch." Tarja sat up, clenching her belly. She was breathing fast and her heart was racing as if she had run a marathon. "Tuo? Tuomas?"  
"Hmmm?" Tuomas said sleepily and turned around.  
"Tuomas, the babies are kicking."  
Tuomas was awake immediately. "Both?"  
"Just one so far ... the right one. Kaarina."  
Tuomas bent down and touched her belly. "Hi, Kaarina," he said gently. "Hi, other baby. Here's your daddy ..."  
Tarja smiled as she watched Tuomas talk to their babies. And her heart melted. He would be a perfect daddy ... but two babies, that was just too much ...  
"Listen to me, your beautiful mommy needs plenty of sleep. How about sleep a little as well, hm? See, she doesn't drink coffee because of you so she needs her beauty sleep. Not that she needs it." Tarja grinned but Tuomas wasn't done. "In real I meant that it's too late for it anyway," he whispered to her belly.  
"You're such an ass!" Tarja laughed and Tuomas looked at her.  
"Please stop pushing me away, Tarja. I love you so, so much," he whispered, his eyes begging. And Tarja's face went soft.  
"I love you too," she finally said, not sure if she told him because she was tired as hell or because her hormones had let her say it.   
The only thing she knew was that she really loved him. And that he was hovering over her only seconds later, kissing her deeply.  
And that she kissed him back.

"Good morning," he whispered into her ear to check if she was awake already.  
And she was. "Good morning, Tuomas," she mumbled and Tuomas kissed her temple as he had done the day before.  
"What do you want to do today?"  
"I have no idea ..." Tarja mumbled. "What could two young parents to be do on a cold winter's day?"  
Tuomas raised a brow. "And you felt hot last night."  
"The hormones, Tuomas," she said. "It has nothing to do with you."  
"Suuuure," Tuomas commented dryly and started drawing small circles on her shoulder. "About last night ... wanna talk?"  
"About the kiss?" Tarja asked and Tuomas chuckled.  
"No, about the way you slapped me. Of course about the kiss ..."  
"I was tired and needy," Tarja replied and his face fell. But then Tarja turned around. "And I'm too much in love with you to not kiss you."  
Tuomas smiled. "Then you want to try it? A relationship?"  
Tarja looked at him. Into his loving eyes. "Yes, I want to try."  
"Then I have a plan for today," he said, smiling like a fool.

His plan turned out to be a date that lasted the whole day. They went ice skating in the morning, not on the lake but at the official ice skating place in the middle of Kitee. They tried not to look like a couple but the others didn't care anyway. For most of them they were just two young adults, nothing special.  
At lunchtime Tuomas took his beloved to his favourite Kiteen restaurant. He paid her food and couldn't take his eyes from her as she ate. She was his ...  
In the afternoon they took a walk and then went shopping for maternity clothes. Tarja was quite happy that the clerk obviously didn't know them, she was older than her parents and probably not really a metalhead. But she was a good advisor and Tarja left with various clothes that had been quite cheap. The clerk had probably sensed that they didn't have much money.  
They brought the new clothes to their flat before they went to the cinema. Tuomas had no idea where else he could take her but Tarja seemed to be happy.  
And this time she didn't only hold his hand; this time she cuddled herself against him and kissed him every now and then.  
This time they didn't quite concentrate on the movie, they were too busy with each other ...

Another week went by without incidents. They fought every day and made it up again shortly after, they went out almost every night and they hadn't told anyone about their relationship so far. They had decided not to pause Nightwish from recording songs but from playing gigs, at least after Tarja had hit the 25th week. She was in her 18th week now and couldn't hide it anymore. Sure, she wore the thickest jackets she owned when she went out, but now she only looked pregnant. And she feared the day when they would have an interview ... and the day eventually came.  
Jukka called them and told them they'd have an interview with the same magazine which had done the photoshooting with them a couple of weeks ago. It turned out that their German readers had liked their looks and wanted to know more about them ...  
"Shall I decline? I'm sure Klaus and Heidi will understand," Jukka offered and Tarja bit her lip.  
"No," she decided. "Don't decline, Jukka. I'm ready."  
So it came that on a beautiful but cold day in February the young Finns went to Helsinki again for the interview with the German HardRock magazine.  
Tarja was wearing one of the maternity clothes they had bought, a red pullover and a black sleeveless leather jacket with a fitting black jeans. She entered after the guys and (as she had thought already) the interviewers went silent as they saw her.  
"Wow, now that's a surprise," the woman said and embraced her. "Congratulations, Tarja!"  
"Thanks, Heidi," Tarja said with a forced smile. Klaus only stared.  
"Hey, what's with Klaus?" Jukka laughed and elbowed the German man.  
"Sit down, sit down quickly, Tarja," Heidi said and led her to the leather couch. "Can I switch on my recorder? Klaus will film it."  
"Please," Tarja said with a soft smile and Heidi and Klaus switched on their recorder and camera.  
"I'm sitting here with Nightwish," Heidi started. "The Finnish symphonic metal band we published pictures about last time. I had loads of questions, but now I only have one ..." she laughed. "Who's the father, Tarja?"  
Tarja blushed. "Don't you want to tell your watchers and readers first?"  
"You can tell them," Heidi said and threw a look at her partner. "Klaus is still shocked."  
"Surprised," Klaus threw in. "How far along are you?"  
Tarja was deep red. "Soon five months," she said and the interviewers congratulated her again.  
"Nightwish's nightingale is pregnant," Heidi explained in German into the camera. "And now we want to know who the father is ... Tarja. Tell us, who's the lucky man?"  
"My boyfriend," Tarja said and took Tuomas' hand. They shared a loving look and Heidi started squealing.  
"OH MY GOD! SERIOUSLY?! That is cute, oh my God I can't breathe ...!"  
"You're together now?" Sami suddenly asked.  
"Wait - you didn't know yet?" Heidi asked the guys and they shook their heads in unison.  
"We kept it a secret," Tuomas said. "It was our beautiful little secret ..."  
"We only knew that he was the father. They weren't together back then," Jukka said and Tarja stared at her hands. Oh no. The guys had said to much.  
"So the baby was an accident," Heidi said quietly. "I'm sorry."  
"I can't say they were an accident," Tarja said. "What if they watch the video one day and hate us and -"  
"They?" Heidi started jumping up and down on her seat. "You're getting twins??"  
"Oh. Yes." Tarja smiled. "But we won't keep them."  
Heidi stopped jumping. "What?"  
"Damn, Tarja," Emppu groaned. "Metal babies! I thought you'd think about it!"  
"I did but I don't want metal babies," Tarja sulked and Heidi shook her head.  
"I'm sorry, I don't want to be nosy. But why?"  
"Because we didn't plan them, not even one of them. And now they're two. We are eighteen and nineteen. We are too young for two babies. I don't say I don't love them and if it was only one baby I would have kept it but ... Tarja stared at her swollen bump. "We can't. We just discovered our love for each other, we need to concentrate on our love before we are ready to raise a baby. Oh, that sounds stupid ..."  
"No, not at all," Heidi insisted. "I understand that you're feeling too young. I understand it, really. And I do think you have many fans who wouldn't want to see Nightwish having a baby pause after only a year ... but also there will be many fans who will tell you to keep them."  
"I know and I'm ready to face death threats," Tarja giggled. "No, joke aside. Dear fans ... please don't hate me. Dear Emppu, I know you wanted metal babies but my babies won't be. Dear Sami and dear Jukka ... stop looking at me like that." She laughed and finally looked at Tuomas. "Dear Tuomas, I love you and I want to give our relationship a chance ... if you love me, you will understand."  
"I love you and I understand," Tuomas answered in Finnish and kissed her gently. Heidi awed and finally the young couple turned to the interviewers again.  
"Enough baby talk ... ask the questions you need to get off your chest."

"You assholes," Sami said as they walked over to Jukka's car. "Seriously. For how long have you been together??"  
"Nine days," Tuomas answered.   
"Okay, that's acceptable," Emppu decided. "I won't slap you."  
"If you slap Tarja I'll kill you," Tuomas said calmly.  
"Wow, Emppu, be careful," Jukka laughed. "He wanted to kill me too as I said that Tarja was fat."  
"You said I'm fat?" Tarja gasped.   
"No offence Tarja but ... you are," Jukka said and Tarja looked down.  
"Oh. You're right. Oh my God this ball is colossal! Why didn't you tell me??"  
The guys laughed and Tuomas took his girlfriend's hand.  
"Now everything is going to be fine," he whispered and Tarja believed him.


	16. Chapter 16

The news of Tarja's pregnancy seemed to be everywhere. In every rock and metal magazine, every rock channel. Every interviewer that called wanted to talk to Tarja. They asked basic questions, like which gender the babies were going to be or when the babies would be born.  
But one day in March someone else called ... someone they had almost forgotten already.  
"Tarja? This is Ritva from Babywish!"  
Tarja almost dropped her phone. "Oh! Hello, Ritva."  
Tarja eyed her boyfriend, who stared out of the window, pretending that Ritva's call didn't scare him to death.  
"I found the perfect parents, Tarja," Ritva went on. "They're called Ilona and Oskari and they live in Joensuu. If you want to meet them, I can give their address to you."  
"That would be amazing! Thank you so much," Tarja beamed, but Ritva wasn't done yet.   
"There's one thing ... they only want to adopt one baby."  
"Oh. Okay." Tarja started pacing. "And the other? Do you have other parents?"  
"No, not yet," Ritva answered. "I think you should visit them first and talk to them, maybe they will change their minds. And if not, at least we have parents for one baby already."  
"You're right," Tarja said. "Thank you, Ritva."  
Tuomas watched Tarja writing something on a piece of paper. "I'm fine, thank you," she said with a smile and then she giggled. "Yes, that's me ... yes, I'm in a metal band." A pause. Tuomas tried to read what she had written on the paper - Ilona ja Oskari Huhtinen ... an address and Joensuu.  
Tuomas swallowed.  
"Did they tell you a day they don't have time?" Tarja asked and waited. "Okay. Everyday but Monday and Thursday. And Tuesday not before three in the afternoon. Got it. Thank you so much, Ritva. Thank you."  
She hung up. "Ritva found parents."  
"Heard that," Tuomas said.  
"They only want one baby though, but we can visit them anyway. What about tomorrow?"  
"That's fine," Tuomas replied.  
Tarja looked at him.  
They hadn't talked about that subject for weeks now, lately only their newly found love had been a topic to them. "Come here," Tarja whispered and pulled Tuomas closer. "I thought about it and ... if we can't find another family, we're going to keep one of the babies. Like in the original story, where we thought there was only one. Okay? I know it's not the best thing to do but I know you want those babies ..."  
Tuomas stroke his love's cheek. "I want them because they're ours," he said gently. "Yours and mine, Tarja ... I want them because I want a family with you. And if you told me you wanted to keep them ... or at least one of them ... I'd be over the moon. I love you and I want you."  
Tarja blushed slightly. "I ... I want you too, baby," she mumbled and Tuomas placed a kiss on her nose.  
"Did Ritva see an interview with us?"  
"No, she saw our pictures in a magazine of her husband," Tarja laughed. "He was quite shocked when Ritva told him that she knew us because we wanted to give our babies away."  
Now Tuomas laughed as well.  
"Okay, seems as if not everyone knows yet ..." he pulled his woman close. "I love you," he said. He couldn't say it enough. "I've always loved you."  
"Love you too," Tarja whispered and pecked his lips. Tuomas caressed her belly, wishing again that she could just change her mind ...

She didn't, at least not the day after. It was Friday and they had just arrived in Joensuu. Currently they were fighting about where to drive, the map didn't help them. An exhausting hour later they finally rang the doorbell, their hearts beating.  
Ilona and Oskari turned out to be a nice couple in their late thirties. They had tried to get babies for ten years and a few months ago they had decided to adopt a baby. Ilona was a small blonde woman with glasses, Oskari was taller and he already was almost bald. They greeted Tuomas and Tarja friendly and let them enter. They offered tea and cookies and soon the young and older parents to be were sitting on the couch, sipping their herbal teas.  
The Huhtinens had quite a big house and Tarja immediately knew that she wanted to give her baby - or babies - to them.  
"So - when will the date of birth be?" Ilona asked and Tarja put her mug on the table.   
"If it was only one baby, around June 25th. But they're twins, so rather the end of May. Dr Laukkanen talked of somewhen between May 20th and 30th."  
Tuomas took his girlfriend's shivering hands. So soon ... It was clearly visible that she was afraid of the birth. "We'll do that," he promised and Tarja smiled.  
"So one of them will be a girl," Oskari continued and the teens nodded. "And the other?"  
"I'm quite certain that she'll be a girl as well," Tarja replied. "If they're really identical it can't be different."  
"You know that if they're identical they will have to make a c-section," Ilona said carefully and Tarja nodded.  
"I know. It doesn't matter to me."  
"To us it also doesn't," Oskari said. "So, Tarja ... what about names? Can we choose?"  
Tarja weighed her head and touched the left side of her belly. "For this baby, yes," she said and then caressed the side where Kaarina was lying. "For this baby, no. She's called Kaarina."  
"Cute," Ilona said. "So for example we took Kaarina -? Would that be possible?"  
"Or if we took the other baby and give her or him another name? Cause we like the name Kiara." Oskari added and Tarja nodded.  
"Exactly. I don't care which one you'll take, I'm only happy to give at least one away."  
"Tuomas, are you okay?" Ilona suddenly asked and everyone eyed the young man who was clenching his fists.  
"I'm fine," she said and Tarja touched his upper arm.  
"Tuo ..."  
"Tarja, no. It's okay."  
"I know you don't want that ..." Tarja whispered and Tuomas shook his head.  
"It's not about me, sweetheart. It's about us and our future. I want you and I know I can't have you and the babies ..."  
Oskari and Ilona changed a look. Was it possible that the mother wanted to give away the babies but the father didn't want to? But he'd do it, for her?

"They're nice," Tuomas said and Tarja nodded.  
"You're happy with them?"  
Tuomas swallowed but then he nodded. "I am. They should get one of the babies. They really want a baby and they are ready to take responsibility."  
"More than us in every way," Tarja said quietly and Tuomas didn't answer. For the rest of the car drive no one said a word. Tuomas concentrated on the street and Tarja on her belly. She caressed it and spoke to it soothingly. And at home she felt the sudden urge to lay down quite early, at seven already.  
But even though she had been to the toilet before and she had opened the window for a while, she couldn't sleep. Too much was going on in her head ...  
With a sigh she stood up to see what Tuomas was doing. He was sitting in front of his keyboard, a notepad on his lap. He was playing some tunes and writing them down.  
Okay. She couldn't disturb him while he was writing a song.  
She tiptoed back to the bedroom, went to her boyfriend's bookshelf and grabbed the book he had been reading the night before.  
Piano Black ...  
Sounded promising.

Sweetest music fading away, my dreams are lost forever now. Only silence will save the day and you'll be gone forever too.  
This was the last line of his newest song. A very sad and very dark one.  
He looked at the keys if his keyboard and started playing the melody he had in mind.  
"Tuomas ..."  
The voice came about of the bedroom and first he didn't hear it. He was too busy with playing.   
"Tuomas!"  
He backed away from the keyboard and jumped up. "What is it?" he called back worried. She had sounded quite hysterical.  
"Tuomas ... quick ..." Her moaning voice sounded out of the bedroom and Tuomas walked over slowly. If she had problems concerning her pregnancy - maybe she needed to do a perineal massage and needed help. Tuomas shook himself. Ew. No thanks.  
But what if her water -? No. She would have screamed. She was moaning.  
What if she -  
Now Tuomas started running and looked into the bedroom. And indeed.  
Tarja was trying to masturbate. Trying ... because she didn't seem to find the right spot.  
"I really need your help here," she sulked and Tuomas stared at her with his mouth hanging open.  
Of course he had thought that Tarja wanted to be intimate with him sooner or later but he had rather thought of later. After the babies' birth and after her genitals had calmed down again.  
But here she was, sexy as always, almost a virgin, fingering herself.  
"Wait I'll help you," he said and sat down on the bed. He chuckled when he saw the book on her nightstand - Piano Black. No wonder she was horny, that one was deep. He pulled her fingers out of herself and brought them up to her own mouth.  
"What are you -" Tarja gasped but Tuomas had already forced her to lick off her own fingers. "Mmh ... okay ... tastes ... interesting," she mumbled and Tuomas parted her legs.  
After weeks he could finally do this again.   
He carefully placed his hands on her swollen belly and brought his face down.  
Her screams were loud and he could tell she was enjoying it, and after she had come, she grabbed his collar and pulled him down to her.   
"Make love to me," she whispered and Tuomas' eyes grew wide.  
"R-really? I - I thought you wanted to wait ...?"  
"I've waited long enough," Tarja whispered and kissed him gently. "Make my first time - the one I can remember - beautiful."  
"Okay, wait ..." Tuomas whispered and stood up to shut the door and curtains of the window. Then he looked at her, she had supported herself on her elbows and looked at him.  
He swallowed and started opening his shirt.  
"Oh yes, strip for me," Tarja whispered and touched her breasts. "My God they're hard."  
"So am I," Tuomas mumbled and proved his words as he had problems with pulling down his pants.  
Tarja's eyes went even wider at the sight of his erected manhood (she had never seen it before after all, well, she couldn't remember). Her eyes darted up and down his naked body and slowly she pulled off her nightgown.  
She felt ashamed but she knew she didn't have to be. He had seen her naked already but this time ... this time she was pregnant.  
"Beautiful," Tuomas said and crawled on the bed, taking her boobs in his hands. "Does this hurt?"  
"If you're not too harsh," Tarja said and moaned when Tuomas took her left nipple between his lips and started nipping and sucking. He loved her breasts and he showed her and as he was done, he planted several kisses on her womb.  
"Love you, Kaarina ... love you, Kiara ..."  
Tarja chuckled and whispered, "They love you too."  
Tuomas was kneeling in front of her now, trying to figure out how to sleep with her.  
He couldn't lie on her, the bump was too big already. "Okay, close your eyes ..." he mumbled and she did. He looked down on his naked girlfriend. His beautiful, naked, pregnant girlfriend.   
Then he took her thighs and pressed them apart lightly; still on his knees he leant forward. With his hands he supported his weight right and left of her on the bed and slowly entered her.  
"Ouch ..." Tarja gasped but the pain was over quickly. Tuomas was so gentle and caring, the pain was soon fading away and lust took over.  
It was a perfect first time. For Tarja. For Tuomas it was their second time but it wasn't less perfect.  
They both came that night and fell asleep in each others arms, whispering love declarations over and over.


	17. Chapter 17

The weeks went by and the months went by. Tarja's belly grew bigger and bigger and soon she had entered the 32nd week of pregnancy.  
And she felt it.  
Walking hurt, sitting hurt, lying hurt. She ate all day long. Cried all day long. Shouted at Tuomas all day long and was horny in the evening. And when he was ready to sleep with her, she was too tired to do something.  
She couldn't sleep then, her babies were awake all night and kicking her. And her steady "Ouch!" or "Stop that, Kaarina" (or Kiara) or in the worst case "Fuck you, Kaarina or Kiara" kept Tuomas awake as well.  
One morning she couldn't stop crying. Tuomas embrace her and asked his love of she was okay.  
"Well -" Tarja sobbed, "I had a bad dream. You'd tell me when I'm unfair to you, right?"  
Tuomas chuckled. "Of course, Love. Why are you thinking you're unfair to me?"  
"Because I-" Tarja sobbed, "I dreamt you left me ... no, I dreamt you - you cheated on me because I was f-fat. And then you left me be-because I was unfair to you." She buried her face in her hands. "And - and Ilona and Oskari didn't want to take Kiara anymore and I gave birth to b-both babies and had to raise them a-alone ... would you ... would you cheat on me? I know I'm fat, I'm sorry ..." Tarja was shaking and Tuomas hugged her tighter.  
"Oh, honey," he said. "You don't even know how happy I am with you. You're not fat, you're pregnant. And if you weren't pregnant but fat, even then I wouldn't cheat on you. And I would never ever leave you. Remember when you got an anger attack last week because I bought the wrong pack of chips and I went to the store again, just to hear you sulk around that you rather want ice cream?"  
"Oh my God I'm a horrible person," Tarja groaned but Tuomas chuckled.  
"No, not at all. Actually I enjoyed it." Tuomas rocked her back and forth. "All the time I was driving back to the store and back to our flat I thought that I was doing it for you. For our babies. For our love. And that's what makes me happy the most, Tarja. You love me. And I will love you forever. I'm just too happy that you're mine." And to prove his words, he kissed her cheek and asked her to wait for a second, while he walked into the living room to get desired object out of the hidden shed of his keyboard. He took a deep breath and walked back into the bedroom, where Tarja was still sitting on the bed.  
And he knelt down, taking her hands in his.  
"Tarja? Look at me," he said gently and Tarja did. "I ... I wanted to wait until this is over. The birth and all," he started. "But ... you need a proof that I love you and here it is. So if you agree, we could wait until everything is over ..." he opened his hand and revealed a delicate, golden ring, whispering, "And then we could marry. If you want to."

For a while Tarja only stared a the ring on her boyfriend's palm.  
She couldn't believe it. A proposal?  
A proposal??  
"M-my water broke," Tarja mumbled but Tuomas shook his head.  
"That's not true, Tarja. Answer me, please."  
Now Tarja looked at Tuomas. "You want to marry me?"  
"Yes," Tuomas replied a little helplessly. "See, I've loved you for years. It didn't stop so far and it won't stop. And now that you're pregnant, I've noticed how much I want a family with you. I'm asking you to be my fiancée until we are ready to marry. It's a promise that I'll stay with you. You can say no but I'll ask you again ..."  
"Wait," Tarja gasped. "Tuomas, we're 19! Almost ... we can't marry. We're too young!"  
"That's why I said we can wait," Tuomas said. "But I want to marry you one day, no matter when. And if we marry in five years, okay."  
"Tuo ..." Tarja said gently, took Tuomas' hand and closed it, making the ring vanish. "Ask me again. For now I can't say yes."  
"Okay," Tuomas said quietly but just as he pulled back, she grabbed his hand.  
"Am I stupid?" she called. "Of course I want to marry you! My God I am stupid. I'd love to marry you after this shit is over, Tuo."  
Grinning, he opened his hand and put the ring on her finger. It was too tight.  
"I'm fat," Tarja complained, but Tuomas silenced her with a deep kiss.

And after another session of passionate lovemaking, the young engaged couple walked to the jewellery to ask the jeweler to enlarge the ring. He took measure of Tarja's finger and told them he'd be done in an hour. During that hour Tarja and Tuomas went to a café to celebrate their engagement. There they had to give some autographs first before they could go on with their lives, and after an hour they went back to the jewellery. This time the ring fitted perfectly and as Tuomas paid, the jeweler congratulated them to their pregnancy and engagement.  
"You're the first who knows about our engagement," Tuomas chuckled and thanked him. Then he took Tarja's hand and they walked to the car.  
And drove directly to the house of the Turunens.  
Marjatta and Teuvo greeted them surprised and asked if they were alright.  
"Well besides the fact that I'm about to explode soon - yes. Very." Tarja chuckled and stroke her hair back.  
No one noticed her ring.  
"Well ..." Tuomas now said. "Can we come in?"  
"Sure," Marjatta said and stepped aside. "Want a coffee, Tuo?"  
"Please," Tuomas said and the young couple took a seat.  
"Any news?" Teuvo asked and Tarja put her hand on her chin provoking.  
"Hmmmm." she said. "Besides that we have parents for one baby and that we still don't know if the other baby is going to be a girl too? Nothing new."  
"Well, nothing big or important," Tuomas said.  
"No, nothing. Nothing at all." Tarja played with her ring.  
"Why don't you know the other sex yet? Is it still hiding?" Marjatta asked.  
"No but since we're going to give it away anyway, I don't care about the gender. And Ilona and Oskari want to get surprised."  
"That's cute," Teuvo said. "And you still stick with Kaarina ...?"  
"Till the end," Tarja commented. "Why do you even hate that name?"  
Tarja's parents changed a look. "My first girlfriend was called Kaarina, nothing else," Teuvo said and Marjatta sighed.  
"Nothing else? She was my nemesis, honey."  
"Oh," Tarja said and blushed. She had never tried to find our about her parent's love story.  
"Yeah but that's over," Marjatta said. "If could want to call her like that then do it. You won't keep her anyway."  
"Actually -" Tarja started and looked at Tuomas.  
He was staring at her.  
"Mum ... Dad ... Tuo ..." she looked at her family. "We're going to keep one baby."  
"Really?" Tuomas whispered with tears in his eyes.  
Tarja nodded. "I already told Ritva she could stop looking for another family. Oskari and Ilona will take Kiara and we are going to keep Kaarina. And after our marriage, Tuomas, we'll be a happy little family."  
"Oh my God ..." Tuomas sobbed and cupped Tarja's cheeks, kissing her hard. "I love you, my God, I love you so much ... why are you so perfect?"  
Tarja chuckled. "I'm not, Tuomas, stop it."  
"That's amazing," Marjatta said gently and made the teens stop kissing. "When are you going to marry?"  
The couple changed a look and finally Tarja lifted up her hand and said "Soon."  
"You're engaged??" Marjatta squealed and jumped up.  
"Since when?" Teuvo asked stunned.  
"This morning," Tarja said happily. "First I said no but I changed my opinion within a second. Stupid pregnancy hormones."  
"But - you're not going to marry because of the baby, aren't you?" Marjatta asked carefully.  
"No! Of course not!" Tarja and Tuomas shouted in unison and the elder parents exchanged a look.  
"Mum, we love each other. We wanted to stay together also without babies."  
"When I proposed I thought she still wanted to give away both of them."  
"Okay, okay. Alright," Teuvo chuckled and hugged his daughter. "I don't know what to say. Pregnant and engaged - my daughter was getting adult way too early."  
Tarja smiled sadly. "I'm sorry. I know I'm disappointing ..."  
"Are you crazy?" Teuvo kissed his daughter's forehead. "I'm so, so proud of you, little Soile."  
Tarja smiled. Little Soile. He hadn't called her little Soile in ages. "So proud."  
Tarja smiled happily and closed her eyes. Suddenly life seemed to be perfect. Her parents didn't hate her for everything she had fucked up, they even supported her. Tuomas loved her with every fibre of his body.  
They would marry and have a perfect little baby. Maybe even more in the future, planned babies.  
Now all those babies had to do was come out of her and everything was about to be perfect ...  
She thought.


	18. Chapter 18

[Warning for this chapter: character death]

___

A week later they told the guys.  
And they were shocked.  
"Marriage?"  
"Marriage??"  
"Marriage!?"  
"You can calm down again," Tarja said with a pout. "Yes, marriage. Tuomas and I are going to keep one of the babies and we're going to marry."  
"So ... what about Nightwish?" Sami asked.  
"We'll continue," Tuomas said. "What did you think? There is nothing else in life I want to do - besides marrying Tarja. And Tarja won't stop singing ..."  
"Never," Tarja agreed in an operatic sound and the guys applauded.   
"And I've written several new songs," Tuomas said. "It's almost a whole new album."  
"I've read them," Tarja said with a nod. "They're good."  
"Hidden texts about having sex with Tarja?" Jukka asked.  
"Or hidden texts about having a baby with her?" Emppu guessed.  
"Or -" Sami started but Tuomas interrupted him.  
"Okayokayokay, they are about ... intimate things," he muttered and Jukka chuckled,  
"Fucking Tarja."  
"Now stop," Tuomas said angrily.  
"Something like touch my milklike skin ... feel the ocean?" Jukka asked.  
"Lick my deepest!" Emppu sing-songed.  
"Rip off this lace!" Jukka growled. "That keeps me imprisoned! Tarja! Join!"  
But Tarja didn't join. Pale as a sheet of paper she stared at the guys.  
"But beware the enchantment," Emppu continued. "For my eroticism is your oblivion! Tarja! Your turn!"  
Tuomas eyed Tarja. "Baby?"  
"What a bore," Sami said and continued. "Old love lies deep, you said. Deeper shall be the wound between your legs."  
"There - there will be a wound," Tarja whispered, her face still pale. "Be-between my l-legs ... Tuomas ..."  
"What's wrong, love?" Tuomas asked and then he saw it.  
Her jeans slowly started staining wet.  
"Tarja, you're peeing your pants," Jukka pointed out. "Emppu, show her where the toilet -"  
"Idiots!" Tuomas shouted. "Her water broke! The babies are coming! Help me!!"

And the guys helped him. They grabbed the chair which Tarja was sitting on and carried her outside and to the car. Tarja was whimpering, she was so afraid that it would hurt. "Tuomaaaas ..." she moaned. "I - I think I just had a contraction ..."  
"I don't think so," Tuomas calmed her while he and Jukka lifted her into the car. Sami had already started it and Emppu was sitting inside. Tarja in the middle, Emppu and Tuomas next to her, holding her hands. "Faster, faster!" Jukka said to Sami and switched on the radio as Tarja let out a scream.   
"That was a contraction!" Tuomas shouted over the loud metal screams. Jukka turned louder and soon the metal singer and Tarja were screaming as if they had betted who the best screamer was.  
Emppu typed a quick message to Marjatta and Kirsti and then he allowed Tarja to take his hand.  
Tarja squeezed his hand so hard that the poor Emppu soon had tears in his eyes. To his relief he didn't have to carry her inside, Tuomas alone did that. Emppu looked at his friend and saw how helpless he was, he had just gotten engaged and now he would be a daddy already. He looked so calm but Emppu could tell he was completely stressed inside.  
"Emppu - call - Ilona," Tarja gasped and grabbed Tuomas' shirt. "Emppu - should call - AHHHH!"  
"Emppu, please call Ilona Huhtinen, my phone is in the pocket of my jacket," Tuomas said and Emppu pulled the phone out of his pocket.  
"Huhtinen, right?"  
No one answered, only Tarja moaned. "Hurts," she groaned and then she screamed again.  
"Baby alarm!" Jukka announced loudly as the band entered the hospital.  
And the nurses grabbed her and only a few minutes later she was dressed in the white hospital dress and laying on a bed with her legs parted.  
She was crying. She was cursing Tuomas. She had never felt something like this before.  
Tuomas stood in the corner, feeling worse than he ever had.  
He watched the doctors discuss, Dr Laukkanen asked for a c-section but the other doctor said it wasn't necessary.  
"The twins are identical! A natural birth would be too risky!"  
"We just made a screening, Maarta," the other doctor said calmly. "The twins aren't identical. We're doing a normal birth."  
While Dr Laukkanen was raging, Tarja was whimpering.   
And after some more discussions, Tarja couldn't help it anymore and she started pushing.   
"Don't push!" Dr Laukkanen shouted, but it was too late.  
Tuomas felt as if his insides were turning and he left his corner, walking over to Tarja. She was crying and her face was red and she was whimpering and asking for help.  
"Fuck," he heard one of the nurses whisper as the doctor told her to push again.  
"Doctor, we should have made a c-section ..."  
"But -" the doctor was shocked. "The twins are fraternal."  
"They are, no doubt but -" another midwife started and gasped. "Doctor!"  
"Tarja! Stop pushing!" Dr Laukkanen shouted and this time the male doctor agreed with his colleague. "Stop pushing!"  
"Stop pushing, Tarja!" everyone shouted.  
Tarja tried to stop pushing but she was crying too hard to stop.  
She didn't see what the doctors did with her first baby, but after Dr Laukkanen came back, she held up the scalpel. Wordlessly she executed the c-section. It was so quiet in the room, only Tarja's cries and screams were heard.  
Tuomas had no idea what had happened, where they had brought the first baby.  
But when they laid the second baby on Tarja's chest, his heart melted. She was beautiful.  
She looked like Tarja. So much. And like him. Tarja's nose. Her lips. His own eyes.  
Tuomas' eyes got wet as he looked at his his daughter.  
His daughter ... "Kaarina ..." he whispered and Tarja smiled weakly.  
"Where is Kiara?" she whispered and Dr Laukkanen knelt down.  
"Tarja, I'm so sorry," she whispered and Tarja stared at her.  
"What - what happened?" she asked.  
"Your first baby ... Kiara ... she didn't survive. She got strangled by the umbilical cord ... That's why we had to do the cesarean, we had to save your second baby. I'm so sorry for your loss."

The shock sat deep in his bones.  
While Tarja was crying madly, Tuomas still couldn't believe it.  
He had lost a baby. They had lost one of the babies. It was dead ... it had lived inside of her for eight months and now it was just ... dead. Not here. Not alive ... an own life that could have existed ... just didn't exist anymore. An innocent life. Taken. No wonder he didn't belive in God.  
"The other doctors were right," Dr Laukkanen explained to him quietly. "They weren't identical, so a natural birth would have succeeded. They didn't share one placenta so it should have worked. But sadly the umbilical cord ... imagine that one of the babies laid with her head down all the time. And when she wanted out, the cord was in the way. It strangled her and while Tarja pushed and pushed -"  
"Stop," Tuomas whispered and Dr Laukkanen fell silent.  
"I'm so sorry," she said quietly and eyed the young couple. Tears were falling out of Tarja's eyes.  
They had taken a look at Kaarina and had noticed that she was the weaker baby. Kiara had weighed 2.1 kilos, Kaarina weighed about 1.9 kilos. She was inside the incubator now and air was given to her with the respiratory mask, the poor girl was way too weak to breathe alone. She didn't even cry. She wasn't able to eat.  
And Tuomas was scared that she would die too.  
She mostly had her eyes closed and was sleeping.  
On their second day in the hospital Tarja and Tuomas sat in front of the incubator. All they did was looking at their weak, sleeping daughter.  
"Remember when I was angry about the fact they were twins?" Tarja whispered and rubbed her nose against Tuomas' shoulder. "Now I'm only sad ..."  
"Of course you're sad, you gave birth to her," Tuomas said. "That made a stronger bond than the cesarean."  
"Are you saying I'm not bonded to Kaarina?" Tarja asked but Tuomas shook his head.  
"No, of course not," he said and hugged her. "I still wanted to tell you how absolutely amazing you've been."  
Tarja smiled. "Thanks. How long did it last?"  
"The birth of Kiara lasted about two hours," Tuomas said quietly. "Kaarina's birth went by faster, ten minutes, if even."  
"Wow ... it felt like two days or something," Tarja said and rubbed her eyes. "Why doesn't she wake up ..."  
"She's weak," Tuomas said gently. "They tried to feed her. She can't drink."  
Tarja now buried her face in her hands. "Why?" she sobbed. "Everything was so perfect and now ... my first baby dies and my second baby is too weak too eat ... what did I do, Tuomas??"  
"You did nothing wrong," Tuomas tried to calm her and hugged her. "It was bad luck."  
"Bad luck. Better luck next time, right?" Tarja hissed and then started sobbing. "I ... I ..."  
"Shhh ..." Tuomas mumbled and looked up as someone knocked at the door.   
"Mr Holopainen? Mrs Huhtinen wants to talk to you."  
"Tell her I'm coming," Tuomas replied and looked at Tarja. "Can I leave you alone for a while?"  
Tarja nodded. "Tell Ilona I'm sorry."  
"Ilona is not angry," Tuomas said gently and kissed his Love's forehead. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Ilona really wasn't angry. "How is she?" she asked as Tuomas sat down next to her.  
"Weak," he replied. "She can't eat and she can't breathe alone -"  
"I meant your fiancée," Ilona said and Tuomas' cheeks went pink.  
"She's fine," he said but Ilona shook her head.  
"I bet she isn't. Please take care of her, Tuomas. She lost her child."  
"So did I," Tuomas said and clenched his fists. "And so did you and Oskari."  
"Oskari and I will come over it and you will too," Ilona said. "Tarja never will. That's why we want you to keep Kaarina. My husband and I agree over that. We'll find another woman who doesn't want her baby. Ritva will help us, she connected us to you so quickly."  
"Thank you," Tuomas said and smiled. "I hope you'll get a baby soon."  
"Me too," Ilona sighed and then she smiled at him as well. "Do you think I can talk to Tarja? I want to give her a hug and take a look at Kaarina."  
"She's not really the type for hugs," Tuomas chuckled but he nodded. "I guess she won't say no though."

Tarja didn't say no and after hugging the elder woman for felt minutes where Tarja cried bitterly, Ilona got to hold Kaarina.   
"She's so beautiful," the woman whispered. "She looks so much like you ..."  
"Everyone says that," Tarja said and took back her daughter. "I wish she would cry ..."  
"That will come," Ilona promised. "She came seven weeks early. In two or three weeks she will be stronger, believe me."  
"I hope you're right," Tarja said and rocked her daughter in her arms. "I can't even breast feed."  
"That will change too," Ilona promised.  
"I hope. My breasts are so hard already, they hurt."  
"You could let me drink," Tuomas suggested and both women threw an icy look at him. "Sorry," he chuckled and Ilona turned back to the young mother.   
"Tarja ... if you ever need a babysitter for her once she's older ... I'd love to look after her. Really. Just give me a call."  
"Thank you," Tarja said and put the tiny baby back into the incubator. "I'm sure I'll give you a call." The women hugged again. "And thank you again ..." Tarja closed her eyes.  
"No need. You wanted to keep her ... we just had bad luck."  
Tarja was sobbing again.  
"Shh ... it's okay," Ilona mumbled.  
"I just ... I've never thought it would end like this ..." Tarja sobbed.  
"At least Kaarina is fine," Ilona tried to calm the girl.  
"She's so weak," Tarja sobbed and Ilona hugged her tighter.  
"No, baby. She's strong. And so are you. You are so strong ..."  
They let go of each other. "We - we called her Kaarina Kiara," Tarja told Ilona and the blonde woman smiled.  
"Really?"  
"Yes," Tuomas said and took his fiancée's hand. "Kaarina Kiara Holopainen."  
Ilona looked at the sleeping girl. "Beautiful," she said. "Just as the girl herself."


	19. Chapter 19

Twelve days later Tarja and little Kaarina Kiara were allowed to leave the hospital. The baby had learned to drink from Tarja's breasts at last and soon she had started to cry because of everything. Tarja was over the moon. She was so happy because it meant her baby was healthy and would survive.  
And Kaarina survived.  
She slowly became the baby that Tarja had wished her to be, she cried and screamed all night long and wouldn't let her parents sleep.  
But Tarja didn't complain. She had already faced the worse thing that could have happened and the only thing that counted now, was that Kaarina was healthy.  
And now she was. She grew faster than Tarja had thought and soon she was strong enough to survive without a doubt.  
As she turned one month, Tarja weighed her.  
"3.5 kilos," she said and raised her brows, looking at Tuomas. "Imagine if she had been an only child," she said. "Could be that I would have given birth to her now and imagine I'd have to press this hunk out of my tiny vagina just in this moment."  
"Hunk," Tuomas chuckled and so did Kaarina as she saw her father laugh. "Tiny vagina. Did you see yourself already?"  
Tarja snorted and slapped her fiancé's arm.  
Kaarina was such a happy girl - if she felt deep inside that a part of her was missing? She had lived inside Tarja with another person for eight months, she had to feel that something was missing ... right?  
"Who's my beautiful girl?" Tuomas cooed and kissed Kaarina's exposed stomach. "How tall is she?"  
"I first have to measure her," Tarja said and closed her eyes for a moment. It wasn't even hard. Not as hard as she had thought. Tuomas helped her wherever he could. Both of them had their duties and since Tuomas couldn't breast feed her, it was his duty to change her diaper. Soon he was better with changing diapers than Tarja. She would get a rage attack whenever she had to change it and Tuomas would help her, laughing.   
The nights were horrible though.  
Kaarina always had stomach ache and Tarja sometimes sat with her for the whole night. The girl only stopped crying when Tarja sang to her, and so Tuomas sat awake too at night, writing new songs for his fiancée and his daughter.   
Tarja lost the gained weight quickly, she simply had no time to eat anymore. Soon she asked herself how Jukka could have ever called her fat.  
Everything she ate was taken away by her daughter, since the girl needed much energy and Tarja didn't eat enough for both of them.  
Kaarina was four months as Tarja rolled over one night and smiled at Tuomas.  
"She's sleeping ..." the young mother whispered. "Do you want to make love?"  
Tuomas looked at his fiancée. "You feel ready to?"  
"Yes, totally," Tarja said with shining eyes. "I don't feel anything anymore down there."  
Tarja's private parts had calmed down indeed, the only thing that was still visible, and would always be, was the rosy scar on her womb. But Tuomas loved this scar, he always stroke over it, remembered how the doctors had pulled his daughter outside ...  
Tarja was undressing herself quickly now, she needed to fasten, in case their daughter woke up. Tuomas rolled the condom over his manhood and parted her legs gently. First time he'd made love to her after the birth. He caressed her slim thighs and bent down to kiss her breasts. He took one nipple between his lips and sucked like a baby. And let go. "Tastes ... strange," he mumbled and looked up to her. "Have you tasted your milk before?"  
"Of course I have, now fuck me quickly," Tarja whispered. "Before Kaarina wakes up."  
And Tuomas slid into her, creating a lustful world for both of them. And after they had come, Tuomas hugged her.  
"You're so thin," he mumbled.  
"I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant," Tarja said proudly and Tuomas looked at her.  
"I don't think that's good," he said. "After all you need to be healthy and strong to give Kaarina all this strength."  
Tarja didn't answer.  
She was giving Kaarina all her strength already ...

Everything Tarja was eating, Kaarina took from her. Tarja still swallowed vitamin supplements but that was everything she was taking benefit from.  
Kaarina needed everything she was eating. And Tarja got weaker and weaker as she gave all her energy to her little daughter. Of course she wanted her daughter to be healthy - but sadly forgot to stay healthy herself.  
And one day, while Tuomas was changing their daughter's diaper, he heard a crash from the kitchen.  
"Tari?" he called worried and tickled Kaarina's stomach. The baby chuckled and cooed at her daddy. "Love? Are you okay?" He dressed his daughter quickly as he didn't get an answer and rushed into the kitchen. "Tarja!" he called as he saw his fiancée lying on the floor. Motionless. Her eyes closed. "Oh God ..."  
He put Kaarina in the highchair, ignored her protests, and knelt down. "Tari? Tarja ... sweetheart ... What's wrong?"  
She had fainted. He panicked. "TARJA!" He slapped her cheek. Once. A second time, harder this time. Nothing. "Vittu ..." he mumbled and looked around. Too bad he was alone. "Stay here," he told Kaarina, who was still protesting, her face red. Then he lifted his love from the floor, surprised that she didn't weigh as much as he had suspected (even though she had fainted), and carried her out of the flat. He knew he couldn't let Kaarina alone but it was only for a few minutes, if even two! He prayed to God that she wouldn't try to climb out of the chair and fall out.  
He carried Tarja down and stuffed her onto the backseat of the car, then rushed back to get their daughter.  
God had heard him, Kaarina was still there. She was screaming and Tuomas grabbed her without a word. He suddenly felt unable to cope with the burden and almost started crying at the thought that Tarja could die ... what had happened? Inner bleedings? What if she ...? What if he had to raise Kaarina on his own now?  
He started crying while driving the car and cursed himself for it. He would cause a car crash, with the two loves of his life in the backseat. He couldn't risk it, yet he didn't stop crying.  
And Kaarina was still screaming. The lifeless Tarja next to her didn't make it better.

Completely done and stressed he arrived at the hospital. "Shut up, please Kaarina," he sobbed and looked at his daughter. The girl sensed her father's dismay and screamed even louder. Tarja winced.  
"TARJA!" Tuomas screamed at her and it seemed as if Kaarina wanted to help him waking up her Mommy.  
Tuomas left the car as he saw someone crossing the car park, an older lady on the way to her car.  
"Help!" he called and the lady first seemed as if she didn't hear him (or didn't want to). "Help!" he called again and ran to her. "Please help me, my wife has fainted and I need to carry her but we have a baby and she's constantly screaming if she doesn't get carried ... I can't leave her alone ..." Tuomas' desperate face probably convinced her and she rushed to the car with him. She took Kaarina out while Tuomas pulled Tarja into his arms.  
"Shh, baby," the elder woman cooed and Kaarina shut up immediately, trying to grab the woman's glasses.  
And together they went into the hospital.

"What happened?" the woman, Anne, asked later. She had agreed to stay with Tuomas. She didn't want to let him alone, plus, Kaarina seemed to like her.  
Tuomas looked at her. "I don't know ... I was with Kaarina here as I heard a crash ... she has just fainted. I already thought of inner bleedings ... something left from the miscarriage ..."  
"Miscarriage?" Anne whispered and Tuomas sighed.  
"No ... not miscarriage. It's just - Kaarina was supposed to have a twin sister but she died while Tarja gave birth. I didn't think it could have affected her ... Maybe they fucked up the cesarean section ..."  
"I don't think so," Anne tried to calm him but she didn't succeed.   
"I bet they did ... they didn't even know if the twins were identical or not. I bet they cut something wrong. I can't believe it, the scar looks beautiful!"

Painfully slow passing minutes later, the doctors came out of the emergency room.  
"She's awake," one of them said with a smile. "It's nothing bad. She's getting infusions and that's it."  
"What happened?" Tuomas asked.  
"Weakness," the doctor replied. "That's it. Try to look what she's eating, she's close to being anorexic."  
In this moment he was happy he didn't have Kaarina in his arms, otherwise he would have dropped her.  
"Anorexic ...? But she's ... she's eating ..."  
"Is she breastfeeding?" the doctor asked with a look at Kaarina.  
"Well ... yes," Tuomas said with a blush.  
"She simply needs to eat more," the doctor said. "Everything's she's eating now isn't staying in her body, well, the energy she'd need at least. She broke together because she was too weak for anything. Having a baby seems to stress her ..."  
With a smile the doctor vanished.  
"My daughter-in-law had the same problem after her first baby," Anne said. "It'll be over soon but maybe you should start thinking about ablactating. How old is Kaarina?"  
"Four months, almost five," Tuomas mumbled. "Why did she never tell me she was stressed?"  
"Tuomas ... she's a mother now. She'd do everything for her baby and she probably didn't even notice how weak she was. I know that feeling."  
"I'm such a bad fiancé," he said and looked at Anne helplessly. "I knew I was too young for this ... I knew I wasn't ready ..."  
"You're doing great, Tuomas," Anne said with a smile. "Look at how happy this little girl is and how much she loves you." She laughed as Kaarina started pulling Tuomas' long hair. "And it has nothing to do with your age. My husband was long over 30 as we got our first son and he was way too stressed with the situation. The older our son got, the better our whole family situation got. It'll be better, believe me." Anne smiled gently. "And now take back your beautiful daughter."

"Anorexic ..." Tarja mumbled and shook her head. "They're stupid ..."  
"Well I thought that you lost weight but I didn't really think of a reason why," Tuomas said gently. It was horrible for him seeing Tarja in the hospital bed again, this time with a needle in her arm.  
"You thought I ... oh right, I was chubby before I got pregnant."  
"You were curvy and that was the most beautiful thing on you," Tuomas mumbled. "Would I have jumped on you otherwise?"  
"It has been a year already ..." Tarja started and then her eyes widened. "Did I - did I fall on my head?"  
"What ... why?" Tuomas panicked again. "Are you hurt?"  
"No but -" Tarja's eyes were full of tears. "You told me you loved me ..."  
"I told you several times."  
"N-no! In our night. You were almost desperate. You cried."  
Tuomas went pale. "What are you talking about?"  
Tarja leant back, laughing. "You cried. After the climax. You cried of happiness and you told me you loved me. Oh, you naughty boy left out that part. Why did you? Were you ashamed?"  
"Tarja ... do you remember our night?" Tuomas whispered and grabbed his fiancée's hands. Her eyes were shining.  
"Everything detail. Funny." She chuckled. "How you looked at me when I came down with the red dress, how you danced with me, how we flirted, ... how I took you upstairs and ... I remember how I felt." Tarja smiled. "I remember that I didn't care about the fact that I wasn't taking the pill ... I wanted you so badly. Wow."  
"Why do you suddenly remember?" Tuomas whispered. He was happy but shocked.  
"I have no idea - it's been a year!" Tarja laughed. "Maybe I really fell on my head."  
"Your mind is strange," Tuomas chuckled but he smiled. She could remember their night ... she could remember the night she had conceived twins.  
Maybe now everything would really turn out to be perfect after all ...  
Finally.


	20. Chapter 20

"I'm sitting here with Tarja Holopainen," Heidi started the interview. "Tarja. How does it feel to have a two year old kid on the road?"  
"First of all," Tarja started, "it feels so strange to have another last name. Like I've been Tarja Turunen for twenty years and now I'm suddenly Tarja Soile Susanna Holopainen. It's strange but I enjoy it." Tarja chuckled. "It makes me happy. I get reminded of that I have a husband every day. Plus, that ring also does." Tarja smiled happily and showed her ring to Heidi.   
"It's beautiful," the German woman admired the ring. "But back to my question -"  
"Right," Tarja said. "I'm sorry. About how it is to have our little one with us when we tour around." Tarja thought a few seconds. "It's not that hard. During the day we take her to parks and play with her and at night the nanny looks after her. It's not bad, really not. It's just ... she's too smart. She knows that, if I say no she only has to ask Tuomas. And I always say no."  
Heidi laughed. "And she's talking already?"  
"Blabbing." Tarja smiled. "She can say Daddy but refuses to say Mommy. She's constantly angry at me cause I don't allow to give her sweets. But boy, she's running like no one else."  
"And what is she called again? Her whole name?"  
"It's not that spectacular," Tarja said. "It's Kaarina Kiara Holopainen."  
"Beautiful though," Heidi said. "Why Kiara?"  
"Her sister was supposed to get called Kiara," Tarja answered softly.  
"Oh," Heidi said quietly. "I'm sorry for asking."  
"You couldn't know." Tarja took a breath. "Well - God decided that she wasn't meant to be."  
"That's so sad," Heidi commented. "To talk about something else, what exactly happened in Mexico?? If I may ask."  
"Sure," Tarja shrugged. "I got attacked on stage but Tuomas immediately saved me. I was so proud of him, "Let go of my wife!" he screamed. He has grown to be so adult and perfect. You should see him, he's so gorgeous with Kaarina and he's so caring and loving ... he's the best father and husband I could imagine." Tarja smiled. "I know I didn't make a mistake. We're only together for about two years but it's still like on our first day ..."  
"So cute," Heidi said. "And the wedding was great?"  
"The wedding was small and boring," Tarja said and laughed. "That's the only thing that we hated. So we decided to marry again. In a few years. And this wedding will be a big one."  
"That's great news. And you'll stay with Nightwish?"  
"Well ..." Tarja nodded. "For the start and as long as Tuomas wants me to be the singer in the band."  
"So you don't have plans for the future yet?"  
"Not really ... as long as I'll be with Tuomas forever, I'll be happy forever."

This wasn't quite right but neither Tarja nor Tuomas had told anyone yet. Tarja would soon go to Germany to study at another university, and of course she'd take her daughter and husband along. It had been Tuomas' idea.  
"Have you ever thought about a solo career?" Tuomas had casually asked a few days after their wedding. Tarja had stared at him.  
"Are you ... are you kicking me out of Nightwish?"  
"God, no," Tuomas had said. "It's just ... Tarja, your voice has too much potential to stay in a poor little metal band forever. If you want to take more singing lessons or anything else just tell me, I'll support you. And if you ever get famous, I'd love to be your manager."  
Tarja had smiled at her husband and finally told him her secret. "I've always wanted to study abroad ..."  
And Tuomas had nodded. "If you still want that as soon as our little one is old enough to go to Kindergarten, we'll go. All together."  
Tarja had - once more - marvelled at her husband and not for the first time she had felt happy that she had changed her mind about being with him.  
He was simply perfect.

And a year later, the little family moved to Karlsruhe. Still in the band they flew to Helsinki whenever they had to, leaving Kaarina with her new nanny or taking her with them.  
Nothing changed ... until the 21st of October 2005.  
It was their last concert after their world tour and it got recorded.  
And Tarja had a plan ... she knew it wasn't good to tell them right after the concert but she had to ...

They took bows and waved their fans.  
It was different. It would be the last time Tarja would never sing with Nightwish again, well, besides if they wanted to collaborate.  
They went backstage and took the towels and water from the roadies. Tarja emptied her bottle at once and after the guys had dried themselves (and Jukka had put his shirt back on), she cleared her throat.  
"Guys?"  
Tuomas swept his wife into his arms and gave her a long kiss. "You were amazing," he whispered and Tarja smiled at him.  
"Guys, I have to tell you something."  
Within a second it got quiet. They all looked at her, at her broad grin.  
"You're pregnant," Emppu guessed.  
"It's going to be twins," Jukka added.  
"You're stupid, all of you," Tarja pouted. "No ... I - I signed a contract."  
"For an open marriage?" Marco joked.  
"No!" Tarja shouted and blushed. "For - a solo album ..."  
Now no one said a word.  
"I'm going to make a solo album!" Tarja said enthusiastically. "Alone!"  
"Oooookay?" Emppu said, looking at Tuomas.  
Tuomas stared at his wife.  
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, a little hurt. "I told you I wanted to help you."  
"And I want to do this alone," Tarja said gently. "It's a classical album, so I doubt you would even want to help me."  
"That's great, Tarja," Marco chipped in. "Congrats. But ... does that mean you want to stop with Nightwish?"  
"Well ..." Tarja looked around. "Yes. I'm sorry."  
Silence.   
Then - "We'll find a new singer." Jukka.  
"Tuomas could sing." Emppu.  
"No, never." Tuomas.  
"Seriously, this had to happen one day. We already guessed that it would happen soon." Marco.  
"You deserve being successful without us, really." Jukka.  
"I told you I'd support you." Tuomas.  
"We'll be your number one fans." Emppu.  
Tarja squealed and embraced the guys.  
"Okay seriously - I love you. All of you. Guys, you're the best." She was sobbing.  
"Aww," Marco said. "We love you too, dumpling."  
Tarja chuckled and kissed his cheek. "I think I never told you how thankful I am to have you as my friends," she said and kissed Emppu's cheek as well as Jukka's.   
"And me?" Tuomas asked and Tarja pulled her husband close.  
"What I'm thankful for?" she whispered and slung his arms around his neck, brought his face close to hers and kissed him passionately.  
She'd never be able to put her feelings for him into words.

She succeeded one day.  
She was in the studio again, currently recording a new song of her second studio album.  
"Falling awake from a walking sleep, and all that remains is a -" she sang, just as a déjà vu feeling swept over her. She put her hand in front of her mouth.  
"Okay - I'm going to take a break," she said and fled out of the studio. Mike and Max changed a look.

"Where's Kaarina?" Tuomas asked as he came home and found no one but Tarja on the couch, looking at something he didn't recognise.  
"I brought her to your mother," Tarja answered quietly.  
"Why?" Tuomas asked and put his bag down. "Is everything alright? Baby?"  
Tarja looked at him, her eyes filled with tears. "I thought we - we should celebrate ..." she whispered softly.  
"You certainly don't look as if you felt like celebrating," Tuomas teased her. "Really now, what's wrong?"  
And Tarja smiled broadly and finally showed him the positive pregnancy test she had been looking at.

\--- End of Lost Dreams ---


End file.
